Sunday, September 20, 2009

And I think I am just as torn inside...


Well, I'm probably to emotionally tied into to many TV shows to even think straight right now, but even so I am choosing to catch the few that read this up to the things in my life. Well... let me just get my TV show rants out of the way. Why on earth would they ever bring April into Luke’s life NOW, and why would he be such a jerk about it and push Lorelai so far away!? Why didn’t he accept Lorelai’s ultimatum. Jerk. Why don't writers ever put those who belong together... TOGETHER. Booth & Bones!? MAC & STELLA, shall I really start on Mac & Stella!? No... I won't. I have put my hope in the fact that the Mac/Stella/Adam "triangle" is like the Brooke/Peyton/Lucas triangle. This is all worthless nonsense though, let's move on.
Let's just dive right into the wrath I have burning in my heart right now. There are two wraths, actually. One, the wrath of Stephanie Harp. No, Stephanie Harp didn't put a label on me, don't worry. I love her to death, anyways, on with the anger. Why on earth would someone put a label on me!? It's just annoying, I don't want to be labeled, and it’s just so annoying, especially when the label is just completely ridiculous. I mean, it’s always bothered me when people call me ‘religious’, because quite frankly, that is not the right word. Now it’s just frustrating and it turns me away from people and ‘religiousness’. Well, wrath number two, myself. Since when am I the girl I never wanted to be? Let’s not get into that though. NO. Let's dig into it. Let's dig deep. I hate the girl I see when I look in the mirror now, my emotions are all over the place, I'm never stable and feel the one emotion I miss the most. Joyful. It only comes in waves, lonely waves that we're calling happiness. It's just... I know it's okay to be angry and to have emotions as a Christian, but things are wrong here. I just, love sinning more then I love God. That turns my heart upside down in my heart when I say that but that's the way I am acting. I don't like it. I don't think about God anymore, I mean I do, but not like I used to, not like I should. I just don't really know what to do because it hurts. I'm perfectly capable of being happy, it just never lasts. It's just not... right.
I’ve got a good pitch for the Good News Daily though. I am exhilarated when I say that I am going to be playing soccer this season. Yes, it’s going to suck with the headaches but this is worth it, it’s so worth it. If the pain is to much I’ll pull a Lucas Scott, but for now I’m going to do what I love. It was just perfect timing when I signed onto the website and realized that the last sign up was a day away. Glorious. I finally got some new medicine that I've heared works for a lot of people with chronic migraine headaches. (don't get me started on my chronic migraine headaches that occur when exerting physical activity rant) Of course, I've been perscribed over 6 medicatoins that have also helped others headaches, but hey. This could be the time! Seventh times a charm. No really, minus the sarcasm and everything, I really want this to work, so if you have any beleif in God himself and the power of prayer, please throw my name in there this time.. not only for the headache thing, just, everything. I havn't asked for prayer in a long time, because something's telling me I don't diserve it, and something else is telling me it doesn't work. I know better then that though...
This isn’t very… well written or anything because my emotions are all mixed up, but I don’t really have much control over any of that. This is just what I’m up to…

'just when things went right, doesn't mean they were always wrong...'

Monday, September 7, 2009

Some things we don't talk about

rather do without
just hold a smile

I've got a lot going on in my heart lately, but I've noticed lately I don't ever want to talk about it. I mean, I'm sure if someone offered to listen, I'd love to go on a rampage and draw a lot of attention to myself, because quite frankly I do enjoy attention. I'm sure it would be better to talk, but lately I just feel like if no one wants to hear it, that's cool. I mean, yeah, I have friends who'd care to hear about my burdons but, why trouble them? I'm being totally contradictory to the person I was in the past, but I just don't feel like it's a big deal anymore. I just don't want to break down over every simple thing. I just feel like I care way to much about people who don't give a 'jit' about me. I'm just not going to deal with that anymore.

"So you want me to tell you something about myself? I don't have anything to say. Even if I did you'd be wrong to believe me. Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows any more."
- Nathan Scott

Anyways, I don't want to talk about it. Writing in a blog and a works document are two completely different things, I'm still not very real writing in a blog. So, I've come to the conclusion this is pretty pointless. Maybe I'm PMSing or maybe I really am just angry today. I'm actually very angry cause I don't know how to do Hope freakin' online, and I have so much homework and I don't know what I'm going to wear this week and I think I have a cold and I don't want swine flu and you know, I used to be a REALLY big fan of friendship. Friends were VERY important to me, everything about them, ya know? I loved having friends, I always wanted a good friend, a best friend, I always wanted to be the good friend someone would come to if they needed me. I've come to the conclusion I DON'T CARE. No one needs me as a friend, friends I've had for years don't seem to care. Okay, Okay, I'm being very selective here. I do have some who care, but assume we're excluding them. Does anyone on a deep, real level actually care anymore!? I'm quite convinced they don't? Arn't most things we do as humans selfish anyways? Do we even care about the people around us? Even me, sometimes I just I don't care that much, I matter more then others around me. You would think though, if you cared about someone as much as I've cared about people, you would want NOT to hurt them. Nope, apparently not. People are jerks. I've come to the conclusion.

"People are going to disappoint you. I get that.I kind of expect that. But i don’t know; what if you wake up one day and realize that you are the disappointment?"
-Peyton Sawyer

Well, maybe this is me letting it out. I really never know until a few days later, what I am feeling. Anyways. Kids keep surrounding me and I feel as though they are looking over my shoulder, and I can't write with that. This clearly wasn't a very profound post, it was spur of the moment and what came out of it, I don't really control that, or maybe I do. Things really arn't to bad in my life, haha, I was told I'm over dramatic today, THANKS STEPH. That, however, was only about the swine flu. On a GREAT note I got a new scent today! If you think I smell Very Sexy... I've got my reasoning. HAHA. Actually today I was drowning my oh so many sorrows in shopping. I don't remember what my sorrows were, oh! Probably that all my TV shows are going straight to Hell! Jayyykayyy, but really. Oh, I'm just frustrated.
I should probably quit ranting, but that would mean me moving on to doing homework, and I'm afraid that once I stop writing, my point of veiw will change on life, and then this post will be worth nothing, because I'm actually gunna go hang out with some pretty neat kids and do homework. Or as I would say, a fun fest. I've got a 4-day week of school to look forward too! Wednesday I get to see Mrs. Beckett & Steph! Then this weekend, RTU, hopefully that will be... good. Hopefully Steph will go, because if she dosn't I'll probably have to bring a shotgun with me....

Alright. Time to buckle down and get to work. Ha, I'm really funny guys. Kate Voegele is my new fav! Oh, and Lizzie McGuire is coming back on Disney Channel FULL TIME, WHAT UP.
Watch that, you will honestly laugh.

I can't let you bring me down anymore.
Peace, have a good week. <3

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hear Me Now,

You will never be alone.

The sky stayed closed around dusk, with cracks through the clouds like on an old sidewalk. The sun scorched across the bottom of the clouds making them pink, leaving the clouds above them looking mean with torturous blues and grays. Those mean clouds had been like that all day, making the world seem like a dreary place to be. As the sun hurriedly creped underneath them though, at the end of a long day, our past seemed to matter.
It was as though the time we spent apart was not even a day, and that we could go back in a brisk moment of remembrance. The sun trickled down through the clouds onto the water, and into our eyes making tears fall slowly. Our time together meant something, and our time together is now. Nothing here has neared its end, if anything, things are just beginning for the two of us.

Today I hung out with a bunch of kids again, so smiles were abundant. Mostly, I hung out with Zukie and my best childhood friend, Kelly. We road down to Crystal Beach and remembered for a little bit. We watched these two kids climb a tree we used to climb, and it looks so small now, we couldn’t help but laugh. Kelly has and always will be one of my closest friends, how can she not be? She knows who I am, what I’m proud of and what I’m not so proud of, most of all we have that mutual understanding towards each other. I’m not talking to her to prove a point, but just to talk to her. We listen to each other like we actually care about what the other person is saying. I don’t think there’s any other friends like the ones you grow up with, and who stick with you.
School has gotten harder this week, and the Devil has been invading my life like there’s no tomorrow! Jerk. I really need to get a few things right with God, we have quite a messy relationship right now, and it’s all on my part, I accept that much. I know God doesn’t tempt, but the Devil is really, very good at it. I’ve decided I’m going to start watching what I eat and exercising. Zukie and I have a mutual fear of getting fat, haha. Tomorrow is the long awaited and dreaded picture day!
This weekend I am hoping for a good weekend. I get to hang out with Dimitra tomorrow, Jasmin Saturday, and Stephanie possibly Sunday. I am amped, because I miss them all so much. It will be good to talk with Deedee, laugh with Jasmin, and hear Stephanie. I think the rest of this year is going to be eventful. Literally, straight up full of events. I’m really excited for the girls Chrysalis flight and also Fall Retreat to Warren W. Willis! I am completely thrilled.
I've really got to get to bed though. I'm so soar from bike riding on Kellys bike, hardest thing ever! Mile run this weekend! Woohoo for not BS-ing Hope online, because that would just be wrong, right? RIGHT. You want to know what else is wrong? Stella sleeping with some lab-rat when she should clearly be in bed with Mac Taylor! Goodness, goodness. Good thing Jordan covered for me with my tearing up story over that. Haha, I love her! Anyways, goodnight week 2 of junior year. :D

"My hearts like an open book for the whole world to read. Sometimes nothing, it keeps me together at the seames."
- Home Sweet Home, Carrie Underwood

PS, today I ate / DOMINATED my first Big Mac! :D