and I may be weak but I'm never defeated

and I'll keep believin' in clouds with that sweet silver lining.

This won't stop getting better.

Things were bad, but they are finally looking up again. Rogo is gone, but I have been seeing him quite a bit lately. Youth group is still really good, I really like Faith. The youth are pretty close also, I've hung out with a bunch of them all this summer and it's been awesome. I think things will continue to be good, hopefully. I'm flying up to NC on sunday, and camp is in 19 days!!!!!!!!!!!! I am absolutely estatic. I also will probably drive up to NC again late July. This summer is going to be pretty epic. I'm not trying to look into teh future so much, as just live now. Which is kind of awesome, btw.

<3

Searching for a Former Sense of Clarity

Neil Rogo is probably the greatest person I've ever known.

To Be Continued...

Not here, where I feel safe.

What are you doing? - Victoria Davis
I'm trying to find a place to hang myself. - Brooke Davis

World crumbling, heart crushing, life ending, not eating, eyes trying, depression shifting, alcohol wanting, escape worthy, ignorance blossoming, fate killing, laughter writhing, pain begining, blood rushing, hate sparking, no talking, teeth brushing, chemistry pushing, not thinking, friend ditching, alone being, elders dissapointing, emotionally abusing, joyful composing, heat rising, death commensing, faith breaking, dream stealking, future taking, tears rolling, cat scratching, hope for me is a place unchartered and overgrown...

Whatever anything means anymore. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to deal with it, I just want to sit in it. I hate it. I can't do this.

Umph.

In a room with ones who know all my secrets, there is no feeling like that.

Inspired by another wednesday, and brought down again by the world. Story of my life. Life is hard. I still don't know what I'm doing, where to go, where to turn, who to believe, who to look to for strength, who can see me break, who can see me die, who can break down the walls, why I feel so alone, why I'm slackin. I just don't know. Life is unbelievably hard for me right now. So many options, choices, people... questions, answers, stories. I just don't know what's up. Usually I know whas up & whas right. Today I don't. I'm sitting here thinking... I'll burry myself in school... or sleep. Yet school is boring me... and when I sleep I dream.. and I think it's real. I just need something real. TV shows & dreams are not doing it for me and they shouldn't. I just want to canoe at sunset again. I want to break 100 on the interstate again. I want to drive and drive and drive until I don't know where I am. I want to know for sure where my life is headed. I want to be hundreds of feet above the ocean with my feet hanging down. I want to be on a dock in Leesburg being constantly reassured by nature that everything is okay. I want to be in a room with glass walls that I feel will break down because of the greatness that is being contained within them. I want to know what I want. I want not to want so much. I want to eat pistashios around a campfire. I want to walk down a dark trail. I want to dance or lay in a field. I want to hold on so tight to someone that I feel if I let go the world would crumble. I want to be in a room filled with tears yet joy is radiating off the mirrored, echoing walls. I want to see someone come to Christ. I want something more to want. I want to not be so nieve and be more rational. I want somebody to believe in me. I want somebody to love me. I want someone not to leave me. I want to watch someone lay on the ground and eat the dirt. I want someone to tell me their goals. I want in a group of people where we are the only ones dancing & pelvic thrusting. I want to be driving up to the pinical of a mountain. I want to be awake in a hotel at 4am trying to find a pizza place that's open. I want to jump into the ocean when the sky looks like death. I want to be on the rivercourt in Wilmington. I want to be surrounded by hope. I want to be open enough to pick up that hose. I want to hear the crowd banging on phew seats, aggrivating the air with my eyes closed feeling God. I want to be trapped in a room with my friends outside the window and a pastor bringing me communion. I want to be on a dock with my best friend worshping God. I want to be sitting on a rock pretending I'm queen. I want to freeze life. I want things to be easier. I want to ace the ACT. I want to much from the past. I want the future to treat me well. I want to stop commiting this stupid sin. I want Booth & Bones to be together and for the show to end. I want abusive fathers to drown. I want teachers to stop getting arrested. I want the devil to not have one more. I want to breathe in each day as a beautiful day. I want to be able to play soccer without getting a headache. I want to stop having headaches period. I want to take three sciences next year and not fail. I want to not be in high school anymore. I want my father to stop being high. I want my brother to have his best friend back. I want my moms back fixed. I want to eat carbinated fruit. I want to stop making lists of what I want... when I have no idea.

I just want to have it....

The sun starts to fade.

Emily: It's like a canoe.
Lorelai: What's like a canoe?
Emily: Life. You're just paddling along in a canoe.
Lorelai: Mother have you been in a canoe? I just can't picture you in a canoe.
Emily: Lorelai, your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years, only now, he's dropped it. He just dropped it. Not only that but now the canoe is going in circles. Without your father there I'm paddling and the canoe is going in circles, and the harder I paddle the faster the canoe spins and it's hard work and I'm getting tired.
Lorelai: Dizzy I would think.
Emily: You are in a kayak. You know how to do all of this.
Lorelai: How does that put me in a kayak?
Emily: Kayaks have paddles on both ends. You steer it by yourself.

Emily: You're independent. You provide for yourself.
Lorelai: I am kayak. Hear me roar.

The cold weather has vanished from the majority of Florida but continues to hover over everwhere I step. Someone, someone with an unbreakable bond in my life has stepped out, and left a cold spot there. Maybe it's always been there, but I can't tell. I can't tell what I feel or what I want to feel. I am lost. There are things in my life that are clear, but nothing is crystal. Then there are the foggy things. So many foggy things. Then Slam Bam, as if the Lord has blessed us he spewed an angel out of his mouth and sent him right into my life. I have no idea what is occuring in my life. I don't know where it's going. I don't know where I'm going.

Beautiful moments.

Beautiful things occurred on this Easter morning. I awoke to a realization that having only 2-3 hours asleep was going to effect me, but it is not like I had any other option. I awoke in panic, because that is who I am. I drove to Skycrest in the dark on a dead road with absolutely no one on it, I liked it that way. I got to church and was of course the first one there besides the obvious Rogo. People of the youth group slowly started to arrive as we started to set up the Easter Sunrise Service. Later, when it was closer to the time where we needed to start, a beautiful moment unfolded. Hands were lain on me, and our heads were pressed together. I never broke a sweat, because in this moment there was no fear. I was shaking, but in that moment I could feel that I was surrounded by loving hearts. So we talked afterwords about what we were going to say, and then we went into the bathroom to pray one more time, and the nerves just kept coming, but I tried to regulate my breathing and I had confidence in the soul fact that it's not about me. All of us prayed together once more, gathered outside in hopes that this final prayer would prepare our hearts for good. The service started, and there's no doubt in my mind that every word that was sung & read was sung straight to God. The singing helped everything. Slowly but surely the time when I had to give my testimony approached, and I guess that God himself took over me as I went up to speak, because surely I could not have made eye contact with those people, or shared God's goodness with them all by myself. Everything I spoke was true, all to declare that God is good. We preformed our skit and it felt beautiful. The feeling after that service holds no explanation. The fact that everything in me had no desire to throw up or clinging to someone, it was all made easy. All because God had calmed the thrashing nerves that had been as wicked as the ocean inside of me. I am forever grateful.

He is risen indeed!

:)

Everyone knows I'm in over my head...[except.for.you.]

Cute.

Moving on to real life...

You take the little bit of strength & belief that I have left in me... and you blow it out of proportion. I am eternally grateful. You people look at me and you see the things that I cannot. You talk to me like I am real, and the things you say to me always seem real. You are the truest friends that I have.
Wednesday nights are the times that give the week a true perspective. Beautiful moments where the definition of hope is redefined completely. Where weak touches can break your composure in an instant, but it's all for the good of this everlasting moment. Before, during, and after are all times that I treasure. Before: We sit there and we talk truthfully. We laugh and are thankful. The lighting is pure and I feel comfortable. We enjoy stupid jokes. During: Laughter is a reoccurring event, and so is the Lords presence in and around us. We talk again, we share our hearts and we are now just girls in a thermos of a hallway. Most of our weeks have been normal days or piled with hardship. We cry for each other, some of us don't share all, but in this dim lighting, we are alone with the realness of this life. We have each other, and we pray for each other. It is amazing, our love for each other, our ability to share, and the little knowledge we have. We come together, being "such girls", and we hug. It always starts with a group hug and separates into smaller hugs. We laugh and make jokes afterward, but it all is still so real. We come back to a bigger, darker place, and there is more sharing. Things are different but we are still together. There is one candle and we share in the worship of our wonderful God. There is more sharing, more worship, and more sharing. You mention my name, and I know your story, and I am so thankful for it. Your walk with the Lord has always strengthened mine. In the darkness we worship. We jump and we sing at the top of our lungs. There are shakers and big movements, because our God's love never fails, and His mercy is new each morning. After: We are sad it is over but grateful that it happened. We say our goodbyes, but I could stay here forever. I leave with a sense of knowing that I can do this.

That is only one Wednesday night for me. That is not all that it is about, but it is all that makes my life beautiful. Life is hard & life is good. Mostly hard. But good too.

I'm. Alone. In. This.

This is going to be a post of disregard, realization, and hurt. Are you ready?

Disregard/Realization:
My last post was a tad, false. I feel most of it. Most of it. However, I realized the most amazing thing. I bury myself in all this stuff to cloud my head of the things that are actually worth thinking about right? I make it so my mind can't even see... truth. However, sitting in my bathroom the other day (weirdbeard) just me, alone, for once in a long while, just me and my thoughts. I realised... that I believe in God. I just... I said that out loud and tears came to my eyes. None of my problems... are God's problems. They're problems that I create and.. maybe, I don't know, I blame God, because "He's in charge"? He is great though. In that moment I realised that my faith in Him is real and that matters so much more than anything else. It doesn't sound moving typed out. That moment however gave me so much perspective, and "perspective is a lovely hand to hold".

"God, he suddenly understood, was love in its purest form.."


"Hurt":
Yes, I am hurt. My soul is wounded with open scars. Actually maybe the title of this section should be Change. I have realised lately that change happens. Whether we want it or not, it is an inevitable factor that haunts each and every one of our lives. Everyone changes at different times, the ever so slightest change occurs day to day. Our rate of change though... it's just not the same as someone elses. So, what if one day, we change. Can others still feel the same about us? Can they love a changed person? The change could be for better or for worse... but it not might work into someone elses, someone elses who you were once close to, life. "People change and promises are broken, clouds will move and skies will be wide open." I often find that when I change, I push people out. I've recently learned what real friendship is. Yet I can't seem to apply that in my own friendships and life. Anyway, I can't explain this ramble. It's really just a bunch of things flying around in my heart. I am hurt, and things are bound to change. I am going to make things change.

Things you should know:
-When you doubt me, all it does is motivate me.
-I'm an undercover vegetarian.
-I do what I want, sometimes I know what I want and sometimes I don't.


Well, here we are. Who knows what I'm talking about.

Just go get your shovel.

That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him that they world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without."

The earth shattered as the rain fell and pelted my skin like it had the summer before. It didn't feel the same though, the rain didn't feel like a knife now, so much as it did a cold drop of water. Which is perhaps, exactly what it was. For me however, it was only a reminder of how lost I am. It's like... food still tastes good, and I can still be overcome by a powerful spell of influencive beauty that is captured in only one room... but none of it's real. It all just quickly fades into the black and white picture film of my past, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Yet, there has to be. There has to be something to do with it, yet I still resort to what I know is wrong. I go back to the plan of summer 2009, and I hide under books, tv shows, and my best friend. Mostly my days are a battle. They are filled with half of me wanting to serve my God, and half of me wanting to do what I want. I still want to be the girl who can light up a room, one singular face that has lost it's hope in a sea of high school students. My pride tells me I can do it alone. Of course, the knowledge I have, which is quite a lot by the way, brings me back to what I already know: I. Can't. I've already tried, and I thought I had learned my lesson. I guess it's just one of the waves, one of the huge, huge, HUGE waves. No. Not even that. It's just a lot of waves. It's the consistency of seven foot waves continuing to rain down on me. It's just me, fifty feet out from the shore, and these waves, they just keep coming. I think, "Hey, look, I can breathe, I'm good--" BAM, there comes another one, so I tumble underwater for what seems like forever yet again. They never stop coming. No, no. It's like I'm a bookshelf. A big seventeen shelf bookshelf, and there are just so many books, so many of them. There's books from school, and from friends, and from family, and from God, and the unknown, and about so much other miscellaneous stuff that they literally go in the miscellaneous category. All the books are all mixed up though, not in place. Not one of them though, contrary to Taylor Swifts' beliefs, is a fairytale. They're all huge books, we're not talking paperback. Well, maybe some are paperbacks. Yeah. Definitely, the ones that I want to get rid of but they keep sticking around, because once, they were a good story. It's so hard to see past the books and the waves. I can't see past them, and when I do, it's vast and it's vacant. That's more scary then the waves and the books themselves. Maybe it's all about the struggles though. The Old Man(from The Old Man and The Sea) he had his struggles, yet he got what he wanted because he persevered. Now, he wasn't defeated... yet he ended up with nothing... nothing. Yet again, he did it alone.

Sometimes I guess you just write things because that's what you're feeling and you have no one to talk to. Either because the courage to talk to them isn't there, or you just don't think your problems are worth it. "Sometimes people write the things they can't say." That sounds better, thank you Haley James Scott. Anyways... Maybe I'm feeling a bit jealous. Today is my old Best Friends birthday, and I'm not sad we're not as good friends any more... but... I'm so proud of her. She has come so far. So far in her faith. It is the most beautiful thing, and renews my faith daily. Dimitra Russert may have been a sinner, but the Lord has made her beautiful. I guess, this is where the jealousy comes in, because I am so far behind her in that area of my life. It just used to be.. different. I feel like I pulled an Andrew Garcia and just peaked way to early... but all the triple dots are starting to freak me out... So we move on.

So sometimes I wish I would have never found God, that would give me an excuse for never knowing what to do. It would give me an excuse for not being able to ask my best friend to pray for me. It would give me the privlage of being able to do what I want. It all sounds bad, and I don't like admiting it, because in all honestly.. well I just don't know. I have found God though, and He's saved me from it all. I always know He'll welcome me back with open arms, though I know I don't diserve that. Tonight I hope to have dashboard confessional, US 19, and God knows what else. I'd like to believe that all things will work themselfs out. "And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works." The hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see, which is another Relient K song... possibly the same one, but if I put quotes around to many thing's I'll look unorriginal. I drive wreckless sometimes, and I like it. My heart pumps, it beats and I don't know what it's beating for. If it's just an organ then it contains nothing but blood and is keeping me alive, but I believe in more then science, yet I'm made up of lamenin which is incredible. I just feel like I'm in this state of having a breaking heart again and I just don't think I can deal with it. Let alone can I explain it. Wtih God, there are no completly bad days, because there's always the joy, but here. Here, trapped in this state of discomfort... I just feel trapped. There's a lot of locks. I don't see any keys though. I only see the window.

Quotes? Relient K, Looking for Alaska, and I don't care to go back and read my rant again to see the other ones. Great, I'm not even entertaining myself. So, if anyone actually reads this, if I get one question asking "what's wrong?" don't ask me that. Sure, I appriciate the concern, but I just don't want to hear it. I'm fine. Sometimes your fingers just get carried awayyyyy.

The Confusion in the Head.

Do you ever feel like you give your all to someone who just takes you completely for granted? I'm sure you have. I'm sure you were angry, hurt, and just kept questioning as to why. Honestly, because why in the world would someone push away your good favors and brush you off like you are nothing to them and have never done anything in your life? Well, I am completely and insanly sure that this is the way that God feels about me. I used to be the girl who was in love with Him, just Him & only Him. My worldly desires have gotten the best of me lately. Don't get me wrong, I love my God. I do not honor Him the way he diserves though. Why? Because I'm human. I know what's right, yet I do what's wrong. Romans 7 describes perfectly the way I feel.

School's hard but it's good. I've found out I am a science/math person, and I'm a fan of this discovery. My friends at school, even though I don't see them as much anymore are most definitly awesome. They get me through it. Haha, we're having a Bones marathon this weekend. And you know dats rightttt.

My weekends been good. Spent it with my BFF & going to soccer tournaments. My last "3" games ever. Not that I played anything but goalie. It was cool though. Our team has surely improved, I just wish I could have been out on that field. These headaches make me mad, but not as mad as when I hear my brother telling me he's also getting them when he plays. I'd rather take that hit. Our team came in 3rd in our flight, not that we diserved it. Haha. Zukies team also came in 3rd, but trust me, they diserved second. That reff was the devil. Stupid woman. Whatever, hopefully he'll be playing club next year and will get a break. I had fun this weekend. I am SO soar, sunburnt, & tired. I really wanted to break my leg. At least I'll never stop being surrounded by soccer, as long as Z keeps playing. That makes me glad.

This week should be okay, I don't get to hang out with Steph Monday or Tuseday. That sounds pathetic. Haha. We usually get to hang out every day though for at least 30 minutes. I can live though. Things scare me soemtimes. Like seeing others loose/strugle/not understand their faith. It takes away from me a little bit each time. However, to see that moment of recovery, of regainment, and rejoice is all worth it. Hopefully it comes sooner then later though.

Whateva whateva life is still good. Lent is going... decently. I've been letting my praying knees get way to lazy though. I can't get as close with God as I once was and sometimes that... is a little.... weird. Time to go watch Zukie play COD until I haveta go to bed. I'm legit gunna be dead tomorrow. It's gunna be brutal. Only like a month or so though until Spring Break. Dats rightttt. Oh junior year....


Godspeed.

Why? I’ll tell you why. Here we are, all of us, basically alone, separate creatures, just circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places. Some — they just give up hope because, in their mind, they’re thinking, ‘Oh, there’s nobody out there for me,’ but all of us we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while…every once in a while, two people meet and there’s that spark, and, yes, Bones, he’s handsome and she’s beautiful and maybe that’s all they see at first, but making love…making love…that’s when two people become one.
-Special Agent Seely Booth.

Now that would have been a good Valentines day post. :)
Anywho, I've had a pretty good... Life. What? 200/200 on my Chem test, 51/50 on my math... Scoreeee. If only I could do that good on the SATs, what? Anywho. I have the best friend in Stephanie Harp, and the best brother ever: Zukie. Also, ZJ. :) Life is difficult, but we make it work. I've actually got it quite easy. None the less, Junior year is buttlove. I just need to get through the CPT sometime this month, the ACT April 10th, and the SAT again May 1st. Oh, atleast I've got my God. Without Him I am not even here. Luckily, I do have Him. :) Ash Wednesday is... this Wednesday. Time to give some stuff up that is hindering my relationship with the Morning star. The four year anniversery of my baptism is friday. Febuary 19th. I can not believe it's been four years. This is the year that I doubted that on that day I could say my relationship with my God has improved, but I can say that we are closer now. I can say that now. I'll never fall out of love with You.

♥

It is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space. - Bones
Yeah, but what’s important is we try, and when we do it right, we get close. - Booth
To what? Breaking the laws of physics? - Bones
Yeah, Bones — a miracle. - Booth

Sometimes...

Sometimes people walk out of your life. I consider those people to be unforgivable jerks. You know what I say to them?: You know what!? You know what!? Hey! Never come back here again, okay!? On a more serious note, who is a person to all of a sudden pick up and leave? Am I being hypocritical, yes. I just don't understand how us humans could be so heartless. I hate my dad, but at least he's never left me. Whem someone leaves it hurts, whether it is subconsious or not. They don't even have to go far, they can be around you all the time, but when you look into their eyes, you don't see that person you once shared your heart with. You no longer can find truth in their words, and love on their face. That just hurts.

My life has been facing a lot of ups and downs lately. Nevertheless, God is the dominant part of my life, and when he continues to be, then I continue to have an everlasting joy in my heart taht goes no where. My darkest moments are never to dark when I acknowledge God's presence in my life. Never ceases to amaze me.

I have the greatest family. I have a really grand best friend. I've got the best buddys in my faith. I've basically got it goin' on... However, sometimes things get bad. Sometimes things are harder then they should be.

"Num Nummmm" - Me.

"That's bad, right?" - Neil.

"No...." - Katie & I.

"Oh well I thought good was yum yum. What's bad then?" - Neil.

"Num noooooooooo!" - Katie & I.

Anyways, things have secretly, SECRETLY, been going well lately. Only in secret though. I'm just very happy right now. I think that God's love will conqure all. Even though sometimes I don't know how to believe or how to live out Gods will.. I think it will all unfold. Whatever anything means anymore. I don't know what I say sometimes...

Sometimes people walk into your life, they don't have to be a big part of it to have a huge impact on it. You can see them once or twice, know them for years, or live with them for a lifetime. The people who come in, the people who stay, the people who have made a difference.. Those are the ones who matter.

Sometimes forgiveness is neccissary for the people who walk out. It was most likely for the better. "If you find someone you can trust, hold onto them". They'll let you down, and it'll hurt like hell to love them, but I think you know that it's best to have them there... by your side. Even when they leave, even when they betray you, even when they break your heart...

"wouldn't it be nice to leave it open ended & pretend it could go either way..."

I will leave it open ended, because I'm not quite sure how to finish it.

He's not finished with me yet.

♥

P.S. I really love being "April Mills". :)

It's all about You,

it's not about me.

not much of a blog post,
but at least i have a blog.
whatever the heck that means.

I'm so gangster,

I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of, ya see? :)


Well I've had a bit of a crazy weekend. I turned seventeen, and I've never had a better birthday. My school friends spoiled me up the butt and I probably gained five pounds. I even got to be "that girl with the obnoxious balloon." :) Then I hung out with the Harp (alllllllll weekend) and we just laughed. I had dinner with the fam, and of course it was great. My mom got me glorious presents which had me questioning if she was my boyfriend. Haha. Big joke, but seriously, diamond earings mother? Then, Katie the creeper Brown sent me on a scavanger hunt. Which had me go to Rogo's house (which was probably my favorite part, because he's the funniest person alive. Downing popcorn like there is no tomorrow.) to Windseths, to the Russerts, to Stephs, then all the way back to the church where Miley Cyrus was boomin' and there were Christmas lights, Hannah balloons and greatness. Haha. I litterally am surrounded by the greatest people.


Saturday was more laid back, but a day of realization.
1. Car accidents are serious. Honestly, I never noticed how careful you need to be when driving. I also didn't notice how much it freaked me out to have Steph get into an accident. Honestly, at the scene of the acident, my insides had a melt down. That's not the point though. "Dipstick" is all I will say.


Okay, so not that much of a realization. Sunday I went to Journey and wanted to vomit all over everyone. However, then I hung out at Stephs for the day and Davy is just my favorite little boy ever! :) So adorable. Steph, Momster, Zuk, and I went out to Olive Garden. I almost got hit. Haha. Ridiculous old men backing straight into you no matter how many times you honk your horn. Dude, Steph's moving into her new appartment soon. Work out room & Pool. Can you say tan & skinny!? Victory! It was a crazy weekend, but all the stress was off and it felt great.
The stress is back on now, and it is ridiculous how hard second semester is in comparison to the first. I just got to seriously buckle down, like right now. Time to go dominate Huck Finn.


Southern Voice - Tim McGraw. JAMMER.
Haaa. Peace in the Mid-Ramen east. :)

I'm alive.

He's alive in me. ;)

Sorry if you guys don't like the ranty-God posts, it's really all I know, and in all honestly... it's what it's all about. I have absolutely no idea how I did on the SAT's. I won't discuss it further.

I love Sunday mornings at Skycrest. Honestly. I love the embrace I feel from those people every time we're all in a room together. Oh man. Haha. I got to eat Neil's moms veggie squares, aka, all is right in the world today. I also look really cute, and smell really good. I have a soccer game in a few, I can only play like 15 minutes to avoid getting a headache. We won our game yesterday, but of course I wasn't there. You know, it's just what happens.

^Mmmm, Sunday. Now it's Monday! I honestly expected today to be one of the worst days.... as it turns out, God is glorious. Yes, I will give Him all the credit. Sure, my classes aren't as great & friend filled as they were first semester, but they have this new feel about them and I could really get used to that! :) It was crazy, cause I woke up and picked a bible verse for the good morning text, and it ended up being Romans 8:18, now Romans 8 is probably one of my favorite chapters in the bible, but i have never really recognized this verse before, and I kept rereading it and couldn't find out what it truly meant, I even looked in the Message Remix version and could not figure it out for the life of me. I don't think I still fully know what it means, but I do know that the part that I could comprehend got me through all of today! I miss all my friends but it makes seeing them a lot more eventful.

God is so good when you are open to Him. I swear. Swearing is a sin. Really though, it just never gets old and never stops being new to me how good He can be. I'm hoping that this semester turns out to be really good. I know it's gunna be hella hard, but I said that about first semester, and made it out with straight A's for the semester, WHATUPP. :]

This ought to be good.

Romans 8:18 - The Message:

That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times.

Time for my favorite part of the day: Brush, floss, & rinse. Feel free to call me a nerd.

Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side.

it's not the end of the world...

just a calamity...

alright! SAT's tomorrow.... GET STOKED.

gripes00: do you have the book
xLaughTilWeCry: yeah i've got the book.
gripes00: burn it

Ha, I'm a little nervous, and very ill prepared. I've been siting around all day watching Bones, eating ENDLESS amounts of food, and I'll probably have gained 10 pounds by the time tomorrow rolls around. I'm trying to avoid the SAT book today, just so I don't lower my confidence for tomorrow, I need all the self belief I can get.


xLaughTilWeCry: yeah but. some people don't give flying flips and they still dominate. i'm like. eff.
gripes00: elf?
gripes00: jk
gripes00: yeah god doesnt like those people anyway
gripes00: jk again...full of jokes...
gripes00: i dont know why that happens, but people dont try and they dominate
gripes00: i was wathcing an episode of fresh prince yesterday where this occured
xLaughTilWeCry: haha. mm
gripes00: will scored higher than carlton
gripes00: and he didnt even try
gripes00: and he was dumb
gripes00: and carlton studied and worried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
xLaughTilWeCry: ahwww.
gripes00: dont worry april
gripes00: youll end up like carlton

Basically I just keep quoting Rogo, because he gave me all the confidence I needed for a tad bit of time. So, I'm just sitting here eating some steak. Now I think it's time to rant about the past few days. Well I dominated my exams if I have yet to tell about that. A on chem & B on anal. However, my schedule is COMPLETELY effed up at this point, I haven't seen it yet but I know it's been moved around, and that upsets me greatly. I'm kinda stressing about Monday, second semester...


gripes00: no need to freak out like fred ball
xLaughTilWeCry: i am fred ball.
gripes00: just the face

I don't really know what else there is to talk about. Pray for me. SAT's are pretty hard, time wise, from what I've heard. Anyways, the best advice anyone could have given anyone:

gripes00: i will begin with phil 4:6
gripes00: and then move to matt 6:25-34
gripes00: but finally, the peace that comes with phil 4:7

just like when you were fallin'...

I will be there when you rise...

So there are tons of emotions raging through me all at once, and it is all adding up to an unusual state of contentment. I'm stressed, I'm ecstatic, I'm in over my head, I'm tired, I'm angry, I don't care, and all at once... It's just great. It's amazing to find the calm in the calamity. It's so easy to see God when things are going spectacular for you.

I don't know how faithful of a daughter to the King that I actually am. I don't understand barely any of the bible. I don't know why earthly things matter more to me when I KNOW what the truth is, and what is more important. I do know, however, that God's love for me will never end, and that has been keeping me going.

I've got all my TV shows for every night, I've got great friends, I have another four day weekend coming up... everything is just coming at me at the speed of light and somehow I'm making it through, surely it is not my strength...

I don't know. Today has been a great day. I love hanging out with Stephanie Harp, talking, studying, laughing. I love getting A's on Chem exams. I love quoting the Hangover and 'dramatic reading of a breakup letter' all day long. I love study groups at Starbucks. I love life coming at me at full force, no matter how much it scares me. There are so many open doors around me lately, and a lot of it is on me.

Everything is scary, but secretly great. I just hope that I am not drifting away from God in the process of finding so many new things in life... I hope it's all Him. It's easier when I can see Him, when I can feel Him in every smile... I don't want life to get hard again and loose him. I guess I have to realise... that generally this WOULD be one of the hardest times of my life, but HE is here. HE is pulling me through it. "I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me" - P. 4:13. It's all Him. Not one bit of it is me.

Pray for me, please. Math exam tomorrow, and SAT's Saturday! :) Life is unbelievably good, hard, but good. It will all be okay, because every day's a new day.

Stolen - Dashboard Confessional <3

I'm a ghost overground on parade.

always learning : always begining

and it can always be a new day when You're here

So, if I haven't said this already, January 2010 has been the most stressful, busy, ridiculous month I've ever had in my life. There is just so much to be done, and so much that is still going to happen. I've got exams this week... I don't doubt that I can dominate them, but they just worry me. I have to finish moving everything back into my room. I'm turning 17 in like... well soon. Getting old. I'm so stressed whenever I sit down and think about everything, so I've been trying not to, but it's not working out to well. Basically, we're halfway through January... I'm just typing what comes to mind, I can't even think straight at this point. However, life is good, and God is better.

Take me back to the days

when the only think i needed

to feel safe was a seatbelt,

mommy & daddy.

Move me forward to days that are brighter,

days when i'll be done with you forever.

Take me back to the sunflowers we planted;

Move me forward from days where

I couldn't speak without raising my voice

Take me back to cool Christmas mornings

where I thought you were even better then Santa.

Move me forward to days

where i can feel love for someone

who loves me.

Take me back to show me where everything went wrong

take me back to answer one single question,

why does forgiveness play no roll in this relationship?

I'll never be like you.

I can't, and i don't want to.

Move me forward to a cloudless day without you,

move me forward to a day

where I can actually believe

that I have a shot at getting into Heaven.

Move me away from you

Let.

Me.

Out.

What? Just a snidbit of what comes to mind when I'm really angry... Anyways, this has been a tough week at times, but next week will only be harder. Reading the Bible actually helped calm my nerves a lot... it was strange for me. I have SAT's next saturday. Thank GOD for this four day weekend I've had and a three day weekend next week. I'm just really stressed, so if any of you (if anyone actually reads this...) wants to send out a prayer for me, it would be much appriciated. I shouldn't worry, it won't give me one more moment of life, but you know, I'm only human. Anyways, I better go study Chem & get back to the moving process.

'the currents will pull you away from your love,

just keep your head above'

Honestly, despite the whole stress thing, my life is really good right now. Ha, I feel like I just sat here and complained, but no. My life is amazing, there is nothing I would change besides the workload, which is in my own hands. :)

Mmmmm.

Just sitting around... Doing Zukie's homework. No big deal. It's been a crazy twenty-four hours.

How can God even think of being so good to us, I don't know, I guess He's just that good. He is. It's beautiful to see how far we have come. Our youth group, and the individual people within it. It is absolutely amazing to see that he has carried me this far. Our relationship, God & I's, has never been like this before. It's never like... I sit up and cry every night and every morning because of how thankful I am for his being in my life. Okay, I'm being slightly over dramatic. Without a doubt though, there's been tears shed the past few nights and mornings. I'm finally getting back to praying, and worshiping in general. It's just this amazing feeling, but I think I am doing something incredibly different then the last time that I fell in love with Him: I'm not ignoring all the problems around me, I don't just tune them out, I'm actually realising that just because He's in my life doesn't mean I can shut the world out, I can talk to Him about it. I finally have so many sisters & brothers in Christ too that I can talk to and just share my life and faith with and it is an incredible feeling. Sometimes things hurt, I'm clearly still human, and they hurt for a while and knowing God is with me does not immediately take those feelings away, but these are things I have to slowly learn and experience.

Last night at youth group, a lot of us shared our testimonies. It's one of those moments that I didn't realise could happen between those walls. I figured it was something that could only happen when we're in a far away town, but it's not. He was in that place. I found it inspiring that all these people, we are actually... united through God. I forget sometimes. I just forget so much, and I am scared of forgetting again.

"no room for fear, only faith."

It's something I wasn't expecting, and it's something I can't write down, let alone say out loud. Usually I go to school on Thursdays ready to face the world, the aftermath of Wednesdays. Today however, not so much. It turns out making God famous scares me, because the fear of being accepted still overtakes me a lot, it shouldn't. It's not about me.... but it does effecft me. You call it pride, I call it Satan. I finally have friends in school, and I know "they're not real friends if they don't accept you for who you are", but that's not what it is. I know they'll accept me, it's just different... I'm going to take this slow. I've got a lot to learn. Just when you think you know something... ;)

Nevertheless, I remain amazed on what He can do. How he can turn peoples lives upside down completely. Everything... so fantastic. In this moment, this moment of looking back and realising how things have changed, how all the hell that we bared is worth it! Now, because of what we suffered, we've ended up here. Now, we can be who we are.

"Sophomore year... right!?" Haha, I love those people.

I'm just consumed by Him, and I love seeing other people consumed by Him too. Oh, and Jasmin was there, so I was excited. We were BOOMIN'. =] I think it's even more amazing, not more amazing, but... inspiring, surely, that not only do I see these people and see God, but... some of these people see God when they see me, it's insanity. It's so reassuring to see these peoples faith's blossom.

Just some crap that I randomly write before bed.... what? ...

Okay... one thing.

I can see it coming

I see through your eyes

Like I see through this world

Your heart is defected

Your feelings artificial

You draw a line

Because you think crossing it may lead to questions

That you don't' want to answer

You don't even want it

You never even wanted it,

Why are you here?

Surely, you're not one of us.

We're starving for truth

Your idea of truth is a fake smile

And laughs that won't last

You talk to build yourself up

But you can't even see

What you're doing to yourself,

What you are doing to me

I've experienced this betrayal before,

But I expected more from you

I thought your eyes could see what is real

But your heart won't open enough to ever let in what you'll need one day

You underestimate this power

That I can't live without

You underestimate me

And all you do is doubt

I won't live with this burden

It can't be worth the pain to come

You can't answer my question truthfully

Brave your own self

For the life filled with unhappiness

That you have to come

Mm, a little mean, a little true. Needs some more work, and not grammatically correct at all. But, please, tell me why I should always be so down on myself? Oh wait, I shouldn't. Thanks, Alex Waldron for inspiring me to share, in the smallest ways that I don't think you know.

I'm refusing to go back and reread this before I post, so if it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish, it's not, but who cares. God's so good.

"Your daughter's in love,
You've won Your children!"

Goodnight. =]

it's all wrong the way we're working

towards a goal that's nonexistent,

it's not existent,

but we just keep believing

Sometimes I cover up the girl that I am. I look for people who seem to be content with their lives and I wish I were them. Sometimes the girl I wish I was isn't proving anything, and in trying to be her, I am not proving anything. I look up to people with flaws and I aspire to be these people because their lives... they seem fulfilling, real, productive, worthy. Sometimes these people aren't real, sometimes it's just someone I'd rather be, because I don't consider myself "good enough". There is a big difference between growing and changing. There's an even bigger difference between changing by living and changing because of something you want... especially when that thing you went is unrealistic or just not what you actually need.

It's a new year and I'm refusing to look back. Learn from the past, obviously. Dwell on it, not anymore. It's just hurting me... not anyone else, but I'm not going to let it anymore. I'm bigger then it. Sometimes I attempt to give off this different exterior of myself... it's not who I am, and people who have been just meeting me for the first time lately, they aren't meeting the April they should be. I've been this different person all throughout 2009. Learning, trying to hard, and confused. In all different aspects of my life. Things get hard, and sometimes when they get hard I ignore what should be happening in these hard times. I should be turning to God, and to a friend who actually cares. Instead, I've been pushing these two things away, because this pride I've built up inside of me tells me that I will be okay on my own. I'm not. I have false thoughts quite a lot, but there is no one there brave enough to tell me, 'you're wrong'.

In my heart I am a God fearing girl filled with love and hope. I don't come off that way a lot, because sometimes it's hard. It shouldn't be. You know, I don't really know. I'm kind of just ranting to rant, and so it's not all in my head! :) I spent the day with Alex on Sunday, secretly she's one of those people who pulls the words out of you're heart, no matter how close you are you are compelled and confident in talking to her because of the compassion she offers and in the way she responds, you know it's not criticism. I don't know, I got that 'good friend' feeling from her, that I can't really explain. Actually I could, I just don't want to because I'm afraid if I say some things out loud they won't be real any more. Another false though, but some things are better kept inside. Not all things though.

Goodnight, and look out January, I'm about to dominate.