Searching for a Former Sense of Clarity

Neil Rogo is probably the greatest person I've ever known.

To Be Continued...

Not here, where I feel safe.

What are you doing? - Victoria Davis
I'm trying to find a place to hang myself. - Brooke Davis

World crumbling, heart crushing, life ending, not eating, eyes trying, depression shifting, alcohol wanting, escape worthy, ignorance blossoming, fate killing, laughter writhing, pain begining, blood rushing, hate sparking, no talking, teeth brushing, chemistry pushing, not thinking, friend ditching, alone being, elders dissapointing, emotionally abusing, joyful composing, heat rising, death commensing, faith breaking, dream stealking, future taking, tears rolling, cat scratching, hope for me is a place unchartered and overgrown...

Whatever anything means anymore. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to deal with it, I just want to sit in it. I hate it. I can't do this.

Umph.

In a room with ones who know all my secrets, there is no feeling like that.

Inspired by another wednesday, and brought down again by the world. Story of my life. Life is hard. I still don't know what I'm doing, where to go, where to turn, who to believe, who to look to for strength, who can see me break, who can see me die, who can break down the walls, why I feel so alone, why I'm slackin. I just don't know. Life is unbelievably hard for me right now. So many options, choices, people... questions, answers, stories. I just don't know what's up. Usually I know whas up & whas right. Today I don't. I'm sitting here thinking... I'll burry myself in school... or sleep. Yet school is boring me... and when I sleep I dream.. and I think it's real. I just need something real. TV shows & dreams are not doing it for me and they shouldn't. I just want to canoe at sunset again. I want to break 100 on the interstate again. I want to drive and drive and drive until I don't know where I am. I want to know for sure where my life is headed. I want to be hundreds of feet above the ocean with my feet hanging down. I want to be on a dock in Leesburg being constantly reassured by nature that everything is okay. I want to be in a room with glass walls that I feel will break down because of the greatness that is being contained within them. I want to know what I want. I want not to want so much. I want to eat pistashios around a campfire. I want to walk down a dark trail. I want to dance or lay in a field. I want to hold on so tight to someone that I feel if I let go the world would crumble. I want to be in a room filled with tears yet joy is radiating off the mirrored, echoing walls. I want to see someone come to Christ. I want something more to want. I want to not be so nieve and be more rational. I want somebody to believe in me. I want somebody to love me. I want someone not to leave me. I want to watch someone lay on the ground and eat the dirt. I want someone to tell me their goals. I want in a group of people where we are the only ones dancing & pelvic thrusting. I want to be driving up to the pinical of a mountain. I want to be awake in a hotel at 4am trying to find a pizza place that's open. I want to jump into the ocean when the sky looks like death. I want to be on the rivercourt in Wilmington. I want to be surrounded by hope. I want to be open enough to pick up that hose. I want to hear the crowd banging on phew seats, aggrivating the air with my eyes closed feeling God. I want to be trapped in a room with my friends outside the window and a pastor bringing me communion. I want to be on a dock with my best friend worshping God. I want to be sitting on a rock pretending I'm queen. I want to freeze life. I want things to be easier. I want to ace the ACT. I want to much from the past. I want the future to treat me well. I want to stop commiting this stupid sin. I want Booth & Bones to be together and for the show to end. I want abusive fathers to drown. I want teachers to stop getting arrested. I want the devil to not have one more. I want to breathe in each day as a beautiful day. I want to be able to play soccer without getting a headache. I want to stop having headaches period. I want to take three sciences next year and not fail. I want to not be in high school anymore. I want my father to stop being high. I want my brother to have his best friend back. I want my moms back fixed. I want to eat carbinated fruit. I want to stop making lists of what I want... when I have no idea.

I just want to have it....

The sun starts to fade.

Emily: It's like a canoe.
Lorelai: What's like a canoe?
Emily: Life. You're just paddling along in a canoe.
Lorelai: Mother have you been in a canoe? I just can't picture you in a canoe.
Emily: Lorelai, your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years, only now, he's dropped it. He just dropped it. Not only that but now the canoe is going in circles. Without your father there I'm paddling and the canoe is going in circles, and the harder I paddle the faster the canoe spins and it's hard work and I'm getting tired.
Lorelai: Dizzy I would think.
Emily: You are in a kayak. You know how to do all of this.
Lorelai: How does that put me in a kayak?
Emily: Kayaks have paddles on both ends. You steer it by yourself.

Emily: You're independent. You provide for yourself.
Lorelai: I am kayak. Hear me roar.

The cold weather has vanished from the majority of Florida but continues to hover over everwhere I step. Someone, someone with an unbreakable bond in my life has stepped out, and left a cold spot there. Maybe it's always been there, but I can't tell. I can't tell what I feel or what I want to feel. I am lost. There are things in my life that are clear, but nothing is crystal. Then there are the foggy things. So many foggy things. Then Slam Bam, as if the Lord has blessed us he spewed an angel out of his mouth and sent him right into my life. I have no idea what is occuring in my life. I don't know where it's going. I don't know where I'm going.

Beautiful moments.

Beautiful things occurred on this Easter morning. I awoke to a realization that having only 2-3 hours asleep was going to effect me, but it is not like I had any other option. I awoke in panic, because that is who I am. I drove to Skycrest in the dark on a dead road with absolutely no one on it, I liked it that way. I got to church and was of course the first one there besides the obvious Rogo. People of the youth group slowly started to arrive as we started to set up the Easter Sunrise Service. Later, when it was closer to the time where we needed to start, a beautiful moment unfolded. Hands were lain on me, and our heads were pressed together. I never broke a sweat, because in this moment there was no fear. I was shaking, but in that moment I could feel that I was surrounded by loving hearts. So we talked afterwords about what we were going to say, and then we went into the bathroom to pray one more time, and the nerves just kept coming, but I tried to regulate my breathing and I had confidence in the soul fact that it's not about me. All of us prayed together once more, gathered outside in hopes that this final prayer would prepare our hearts for good. The service started, and there's no doubt in my mind that every word that was sung & read was sung straight to God. The singing helped everything. Slowly but surely the time when I had to give my testimony approached, and I guess that God himself took over me as I went up to speak, because surely I could not have made eye contact with those people, or shared God's goodness with them all by myself. Everything I spoke was true, all to declare that God is good. We preformed our skit and it felt beautiful. The feeling after that service holds no explanation. The fact that everything in me had no desire to throw up or clinging to someone, it was all made easy. All because God had calmed the thrashing nerves that had been as wicked as the ocean inside of me. I am forever grateful.

He is risen indeed!

:)