Not here, where I feel safe.

What are you doing? - Victoria Davis
I'm trying to find a place to hang myself. - Brooke Davis

World crumbling, heart crushing, life ending, not eating, eyes trying, depression shifting, alcohol wanting, escape worthy, ignorance blossoming, fate killing, laughter writhing, pain begining, blood rushing, hate sparking, no talking, teeth brushing, chemistry pushing, not thinking, friend ditching, alone being, elders dissapointing, emotionally abusing, joyful composing, heat rising, death commensing, faith breaking, dream stealking, future taking, tears rolling, cat scratching, hope for me is a place unchartered and overgrown...

Whatever anything means anymore. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to deal with it, I just want to sit in it. I hate it. I can't do this.

Umph.

In a room with ones who know all my secrets, there is no feeling like that.

Inspired by another wednesday, and brought down again by the world. Story of my life. Life is hard. I still don't know what I'm doing, where to go, where to turn, who to believe, who to look to for strength, who can see me break, who can see me die, who can break down the walls, why I feel so alone, why I'm slackin. I just don't know. Life is unbelievably hard for me right now. So many options, choices, people... questions, answers, stories. I just don't know what's up. Usually I know whas up & whas right. Today I don't. I'm sitting here thinking... I'll burry myself in school... or sleep. Yet school is boring me... and when I sleep I dream.. and I think it's real. I just need something real. TV shows & dreams are not doing it for me and they shouldn't. I just want to canoe at sunset again. I want to break 100 on the interstate again. I want to drive and drive and drive until I don't know where I am. I want to know for sure where my life is headed. I want to be hundreds of feet above the ocean with my feet hanging down. I want to be on a dock in Leesburg being constantly reassured by nature that everything is okay. I want to be in a room with glass walls that I feel will break down because of the greatness that is being contained within them. I want to know what I want. I want not to want so much. I want to eat pistashios around a campfire. I want to walk down a dark trail. I want to dance or lay in a field. I want to hold on so tight to someone that I feel if I let go the world would crumble. I want to be in a room filled with tears yet joy is radiating off the mirrored, echoing walls. I want to see someone come to Christ. I want something more to want. I want to not be so nieve and be more rational. I want somebody to believe in me. I want somebody to love me. I want someone not to leave me. I want to watch someone lay on the ground and eat the dirt. I want someone to tell me their goals. I want in a group of people where we are the only ones dancing & pelvic thrusting. I want to be driving up to the pinical of a mountain. I want to be awake in a hotel at 4am trying to find a pizza place that's open. I want to jump into the ocean when the sky looks like death. I want to be on the rivercourt in Wilmington. I want to be surrounded by hope. I want to be open enough to pick up that hose. I want to hear the crowd banging on phew seats, aggrivating the air with my eyes closed feeling God. I want to be trapped in a room with my friends outside the window and a pastor bringing me communion. I want to be on a dock with my best friend worshping God. I want to be sitting on a rock pretending I'm queen. I want to freeze life. I want things to be easier. I want to ace the ACT. I want to much from the past. I want the future to treat me well. I want to stop commiting this stupid sin. I want Booth & Bones to be together and for the show to end. I want abusive fathers to drown. I want teachers to stop getting arrested. I want the devil to not have one more. I want to breathe in each day as a beautiful day. I want to be able to play soccer without getting a headache. I want to stop having headaches period. I want to take three sciences next year and not fail. I want to not be in high school anymore. I want my father to stop being high. I want my brother to have his best friend back. I want my moms back fixed. I want to eat carbinated fruit. I want to stop making lists of what I want... when I have no idea.

I just want to have it....

The sun starts to fade.

Emily: It's like a canoe.
Lorelai: What's like a canoe?
Emily: Life. You're just paddling along in a canoe.
Lorelai: Mother have you been in a canoe? I just can't picture you in a canoe.
Emily: Lorelai, your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years, only now, he's dropped it. He just dropped it. Not only that but now the canoe is going in circles. Without your father there I'm paddling and the canoe is going in circles, and the harder I paddle the faster the canoe spins and it's hard work and I'm getting tired.
Lorelai: Dizzy I would think.
Emily: You are in a kayak. You know how to do all of this.
Lorelai: How does that put me in a kayak?
Emily: Kayaks have paddles on both ends. You steer it by yourself.

Emily: You're independent. You provide for yourself.
Lorelai: I am kayak. Hear me roar.

The cold weather has vanished from the majority of Florida but continues to hover over everwhere I step. Someone, someone with an unbreakable bond in my life has stepped out, and left a cold spot there. Maybe it's always been there, but I can't tell. I can't tell what I feel or what I want to feel. I am lost. There are things in my life that are clear, but nothing is crystal. Then there are the foggy things. So many foggy things. Then Slam Bam, as if the Lord has blessed us he spewed an angel out of his mouth and sent him right into my life. I have no idea what is occuring in my life. I don't know where it's going. I don't know where I'm going.

Beautiful moments.

Beautiful things occurred on this Easter morning. I awoke to a realization that having only 2-3 hours asleep was going to effect me, but it is not like I had any other option. I awoke in panic, because that is who I am. I drove to Skycrest in the dark on a dead road with absolutely no one on it, I liked it that way. I got to church and was of course the first one there besides the obvious Rogo. People of the youth group slowly started to arrive as we started to set up the Easter Sunrise Service. Later, when it was closer to the time where we needed to start, a beautiful moment unfolded. Hands were lain on me, and our heads were pressed together. I never broke a sweat, because in this moment there was no fear. I was shaking, but in that moment I could feel that I was surrounded by loving hearts. So we talked afterwords about what we were going to say, and then we went into the bathroom to pray one more time, and the nerves just kept coming, but I tried to regulate my breathing and I had confidence in the soul fact that it's not about me. All of us prayed together once more, gathered outside in hopes that this final prayer would prepare our hearts for good. The service started, and there's no doubt in my mind that every word that was sung & read was sung straight to God. The singing helped everything. Slowly but surely the time when I had to give my testimony approached, and I guess that God himself took over me as I went up to speak, because surely I could not have made eye contact with those people, or shared God's goodness with them all by myself. Everything I spoke was true, all to declare that God is good. We preformed our skit and it felt beautiful. The feeling after that service holds no explanation. The fact that everything in me had no desire to throw up or clinging to someone, it was all made easy. All because God had calmed the thrashing nerves that had been as wicked as the ocean inside of me. I am forever grateful.

He is risen indeed!

:)

Everyone knows I'm in over my head...[except.for.you.]

Cute.

Moving on to real life...

You take the little bit of strength & belief that I have left in me... and you blow it out of proportion. I am eternally grateful. You people look at me and you see the things that I cannot. You talk to me like I am real, and the things you say to me always seem real. You are the truest friends that I have.
Wednesday nights are the times that give the week a true perspective. Beautiful moments where the definition of hope is redefined completely. Where weak touches can break your composure in an instant, but it's all for the good of this everlasting moment. Before, during, and after are all times that I treasure. Before: We sit there and we talk truthfully. We laugh and are thankful. The lighting is pure and I feel comfortable. We enjoy stupid jokes. During: Laughter is a reoccurring event, and so is the Lords presence in and around us. We talk again, we share our hearts and we are now just girls in a thermos of a hallway. Most of our weeks have been normal days or piled with hardship. We cry for each other, some of us don't share all, but in this dim lighting, we are alone with the realness of this life. We have each other, and we pray for each other. It is amazing, our love for each other, our ability to share, and the little knowledge we have. We come together, being "such girls", and we hug. It always starts with a group hug and separates into smaller hugs. We laugh and make jokes afterward, but it all is still so real. We come back to a bigger, darker place, and there is more sharing. Things are different but we are still together. There is one candle and we share in the worship of our wonderful God. There is more sharing, more worship, and more sharing. You mention my name, and I know your story, and I am so thankful for it. Your walk with the Lord has always strengthened mine. In the darkness we worship. We jump and we sing at the top of our lungs. There are shakers and big movements, because our God's love never fails, and His mercy is new each morning. After: We are sad it is over but grateful that it happened. We say our goodbyes, but I could stay here forever. I leave with a sense of knowing that I can do this.

That is only one Wednesday night for me. That is not all that it is about, but it is all that makes my life beautiful. Life is hard & life is good. Mostly hard. But good too.

I'm. Alone. In. This.

This is going to be a post of disregard, realization, and hurt. Are you ready?

Disregard/Realization:
My last post was a tad, false. I feel most of it. Most of it. However, I realized the most amazing thing. I bury myself in all this stuff to cloud my head of the things that are actually worth thinking about right? I make it so my mind can't even see... truth. However, sitting in my bathroom the other day (weirdbeard) just me, alone, for once in a long while, just me and my thoughts. I realised... that I believe in God. I just... I said that out loud and tears came to my eyes. None of my problems... are God's problems. They're problems that I create and.. maybe, I don't know, I blame God, because "He's in charge"? He is great though. In that moment I realised that my faith in Him is real and that matters so much more than anything else. It doesn't sound moving typed out. That moment however gave me so much perspective, and "perspective is a lovely hand to hold".

"God, he suddenly understood, was love in its purest form.."


"Hurt":
Yes, I am hurt. My soul is wounded with open scars. Actually maybe the title of this section should be Change. I have realised lately that change happens. Whether we want it or not, it is an inevitable factor that haunts each and every one of our lives. Everyone changes at different times, the ever so slightest change occurs day to day. Our rate of change though... it's just not the same as someone elses. So, what if one day, we change. Can others still feel the same about us? Can they love a changed person? The change could be for better or for worse... but it not might work into someone elses, someone elses who you were once close to, life. "People change and promises are broken, clouds will move and skies will be wide open." I often find that when I change, I push people out. I've recently learned what real friendship is. Yet I can't seem to apply that in my own friendships and life. Anyway, I can't explain this ramble. It's really just a bunch of things flying around in my heart. I am hurt, and things are bound to change. I am going to make things change.

Things you should know:
-When you doubt me, all it does is motivate me.
-I'm an undercover vegetarian.
-I do what I want, sometimes I know what I want and sometimes I don't.


Well, here we are. Who knows what I'm talking about.

Just go get your shovel.

That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him that they world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without."

The earth shattered as the rain fell and pelted my skin like it had the summer before. It didn't feel the same though, the rain didn't feel like a knife now, so much as it did a cold drop of water. Which is perhaps, exactly what it was. For me however, it was only a reminder of how lost I am. It's like... food still tastes good, and I can still be overcome by a powerful spell of influencive beauty that is captured in only one room... but none of it's real. It all just quickly fades into the black and white picture film of my past, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Yet, there has to be. There has to be something to do with it, yet I still resort to what I know is wrong. I go back to the plan of summer 2009, and I hide under books, tv shows, and my best friend. Mostly my days are a battle. They are filled with half of me wanting to serve my God, and half of me wanting to do what I want. I still want to be the girl who can light up a room, one singular face that has lost it's hope in a sea of high school students. My pride tells me I can do it alone. Of course, the knowledge I have, which is quite a lot by the way, brings me back to what I already know: I. Can't. I've already tried, and I thought I had learned my lesson. I guess it's just one of the waves, one of the huge, huge, HUGE waves. No. Not even that. It's just a lot of waves. It's the consistency of seven foot waves continuing to rain down on me. It's just me, fifty feet out from the shore, and these waves, they just keep coming. I think, "Hey, look, I can breathe, I'm good--" BAM, there comes another one, so I tumble underwater for what seems like forever yet again. They never stop coming. No, no. It's like I'm a bookshelf. A big seventeen shelf bookshelf, and there are just so many books, so many of them. There's books from school, and from friends, and from family, and from God, and the unknown, and about so much other miscellaneous stuff that they literally go in the miscellaneous category. All the books are all mixed up though, not in place. Not one of them though, contrary to Taylor Swifts' beliefs, is a fairytale. They're all huge books, we're not talking paperback. Well, maybe some are paperbacks. Yeah. Definitely, the ones that I want to get rid of but they keep sticking around, because once, they were a good story. It's so hard to see past the books and the waves. I can't see past them, and when I do, it's vast and it's vacant. That's more scary then the waves and the books themselves. Maybe it's all about the struggles though. The Old Man(from The Old Man and The Sea) he had his struggles, yet he got what he wanted because he persevered. Now, he wasn't defeated... yet he ended up with nothing... nothing. Yet again, he did it alone.

Sometimes I guess you just write things because that's what you're feeling and you have no one to talk to. Either because the courage to talk to them isn't there, or you just don't think your problems are worth it. "Sometimes people write the things they can't say." That sounds better, thank you Haley James Scott. Anyways... Maybe I'm feeling a bit jealous. Today is my old Best Friends birthday, and I'm not sad we're not as good friends any more... but... I'm so proud of her. She has come so far. So far in her faith. It is the most beautiful thing, and renews my faith daily. Dimitra Russert may have been a sinner, but the Lord has made her beautiful. I guess, this is where the jealousy comes in, because I am so far behind her in that area of my life. It just used to be.. different. I feel like I pulled an Andrew Garcia and just peaked way to early... but all the triple dots are starting to freak me out... So we move on.

So sometimes I wish I would have never found God, that would give me an excuse for never knowing what to do. It would give me an excuse for not being able to ask my best friend to pray for me. It would give me the privlage of being able to do what I want. It all sounds bad, and I don't like admiting it, because in all honestly.. well I just don't know. I have found God though, and He's saved me from it all. I always know He'll welcome me back with open arms, though I know I don't diserve that. Tonight I hope to have dashboard confessional, US 19, and God knows what else. I'd like to believe that all things will work themselfs out. "And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works." The hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see, which is another Relient K song... possibly the same one, but if I put quotes around to many thing's I'll look unorriginal. I drive wreckless sometimes, and I like it. My heart pumps, it beats and I don't know what it's beating for. If it's just an organ then it contains nothing but blood and is keeping me alive, but I believe in more then science, yet I'm made up of lamenin which is incredible. I just feel like I'm in this state of having a breaking heart again and I just don't think I can deal with it. Let alone can I explain it. Wtih God, there are no completly bad days, because there's always the joy, but here. Here, trapped in this state of discomfort... I just feel trapped. There's a lot of locks. I don't see any keys though. I only see the window.

Quotes? Relient K, Looking for Alaska, and I don't care to go back and read my rant again to see the other ones. Great, I'm not even entertaining myself. So, if anyone actually reads this, if I get one question asking "what's wrong?" don't ask me that. Sure, I appriciate the concern, but I just don't want to hear it. I'm fine. Sometimes your fingers just get carried awayyyyy.