This is me afraid...

Life is life. It's up, and it's down. It's hard, and it's simple. It varies.

Today for me is Day 5. Day 5 of potential, possibility, and promise. I can only hope that it works out in my favor, so far, it has been. Then again, it's only Day 5.

I can't find any inspiration to write within me, not like my life is uneventful or without color, I just currently can't derive any.

'I'm just surviving.'

And I think I am just as torn inside...

Edittttttttttt*

Well, I'm probably to emotionally tied into to many TV shows to even think straight right now, but even so I am choosing to catch the few that read this up to the things in my life. Well... let me just get my TV show rants out of the way. Why on earth would they ever bring April into Luke’s life NOW, and why would he be such a jerk about it and push Lorelai so far away!? Why didn’t he accept Lorelai’s ultimatum. Jerk. Why don't writers ever put those who belong together... TOGETHER. Booth & Bones!? MAC & STELLA, shall I really start on Mac & Stella!? No... I won't. I have put my hope in the fact that the Mac/Stella/Adam "triangle" is like the Brooke/Peyton/Lucas triangle. This is all worthless nonsense though, let's move on.
Let's just dive right into the wrath I have burning in my heart right now. There are two wraths, actually. One, the wrath of Stephanie Harp. No, Stephanie Harp didn't put a label on me, don't worry. I love her to death, anyways, on with the anger. Why on earth would someone put a label on me!? It's just annoying, I don't want to be labeled, and it’s just so annoying, especially when the label is just completely ridiculous. I mean, it’s always bothered me when people call me ‘religious’, because quite frankly, that is not the right word. Now it’s just frustrating and it turns me away from people and ‘religiousness’. Well, wrath number two, myself. Since when am I the girl I never wanted to be? Let’s not get into that though. NO. Let's dig into it. Let's dig deep. I hate the girl I see when I look in the mirror now, my emotions are all over the place, I'm never stable and feel the one emotion I miss the most. Joyful. It only comes in waves, lonely waves that we're calling happiness. It's just... I know it's okay to be angry and to have emotions as a Christian, but things are wrong here. I just, love sinning more then I love God. That turns my heart upside down in my heart when I say that but that's the way I am acting. I don't like it. I don't think about God anymore, I mean I do, but not like I used to, not like I should. I just don't really know what to do because it hurts. I'm perfectly capable of being happy, it just never lasts. It's just not... right.
I’ve got a good pitch for the Good News Daily though. I am exhilarated when I say that I am going to be playing soccer this season. Yes, it’s going to suck with the headaches but this is worth it, it’s so worth it. If the pain is to much I’ll pull a Lucas Scott, but for now I’m going to do what I love. It was just perfect timing when I signed onto the website and realized that the last sign up was a day away. Glorious. I finally got some new medicine that I've heared works for a lot of people with chronic migraine headaches. (don't get me started on my chronic migraine headaches that occur when exerting physical activity rant) Of course, I've been perscribed over 6 medicatoins that have also helped others headaches, but hey. This could be the time! Seventh times a charm. No really, minus the sarcasm and everything, I really want this to work, so if you have any beleif in God himself and the power of prayer, please throw my name in there this time.. not only for the headache thing, just, everything. I havn't asked for prayer in a long time, because something's telling me I don't diserve it, and something else is telling me it doesn't work. I know better then that though...
This isn’t very… well written or anything because my emotions are all mixed up, but I don’t really have much control over any of that. This is just what I’m up to…

'just when things went right, doesn't mean they were always wrong...'

Some things we don't talk about

rather do without

just hold a smile

I've got a lot going on in my heart lately, but I've noticed lately I don't ever want to talk about it. I mean, I'm sure if someone offered to listen, I'd love to go on a rampage and draw a lot of attention to myself, because quite frankly I do enjoy attention. I'm sure it would be better to talk, but lately I just feel like if no one wants to hear it, that's cool. I mean, yeah, I have friends who'd care to hear about my burdons but, why trouble them? I'm being totally contradictory to the person I was in the past, but I just don't feel like it's a big deal anymore. I just don't want to break down over every simple thing. I just feel like I care way to much about people who don't give a 'jit' about me. I'm just not going to deal with that anymore.

"So you want me to tell you something about myself? I don't have anything to say. Even if I did you'd be wrong to believe me. Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows any more."

- Nathan Scott

Anyways, I don't want to talk about it. Writing in a blog and a works document are two completely different things, I'm still not very real writing in a blog. So, I've come to the conclusion this is pretty pointless. Maybe I'm PMSing or maybe I really am just angry today. I'm actually very angry cause I don't know how to do Hope freakin' online, and I have so much homework and I don't know what I'm going to wear this week and I think I have a cold and I don't want swine flu and you know, I used to be a REALLY big fan of friendship. Friends were VERY important to me, everything about them, ya know? I loved having friends, I always wanted a good friend, a best friend, I always wanted to be the good friend someone would come to if they needed me. I've come to the conclusion I DON'T CARE. No one needs me as a friend, friends I've had for years don't seem to care. Okay, Okay, I'm being very selective here. I do have some who care, but assume we're excluding them. Does anyone on a deep, real level actually care anymore!? I'm quite convinced they don't? Arn't most things we do as humans selfish anyways? Do we even care about the people around us? Even me, sometimes I just I don't care that much, I matter more then others around me. You would think though, if you cared about someone as much as I've cared about people, you would want NOT to hurt them. Nope, apparently not. People are jerks. I've come to the conclusion.

"People are going to disappoint you. I get that.I kind of expect that. But i don’t know; what if you wake up one day and realize that you are the disappointment?"

-Peyton Sawyer

Well, maybe this is me letting it out. I really never know until a few days later, what I am feeling. Anyways. Kids keep surrounding me and I feel as though they are looking over my shoulder, and I can't write with that. This clearly wasn't a very profound post, it was spur of the moment and what came out of it, I don't really control that, or maybe I do. Things really arn't to bad in my life, haha, I was told I'm over dramatic today, THANKS STEPH. That, however, was only about the swine flu. On a GREAT note I got a new scent today! If you think I smell Very Sexy... I've got my reasoning. HAHA. Actually today I was drowning my oh so many sorrows in shopping. I don't remember what my sorrows were, oh! Probably that all my TV shows are going straight to Hell! Jayyykayyy, but really. Oh, I'm just frustrated.

I should probably quit ranting, but that would mean me moving on to doing homework, and I'm afraid that once I stop writing, my point of veiw will change on life, and then this post will be worth nothing, because I'm actually gunna go hang out with some pretty neat kids and do homework. Or as I would say, a fun fest. I've got a 4-day week of school to look forward too! Wednesday I get to see Mrs. Beckett & Steph! Then this weekend, RTU, hopefully that will be... good. Hopefully Steph will go, because if she dosn't I'll probably have to bring a shotgun with me....

Alright. Time to buckle down and get to work. Ha, I'm really funny guys. Kate Voegele is my new fav! Oh, and Lizzie McGuire is coming back on Disney Channel FULL TIME, WHAT UP.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9Lf0gFQqqo

Watch that, you will honestly laugh.

I can't let you bring me down anymore.

Peace, have a good week. <3

Hear Me Now,

You will never be alone.

The sky stayed closed around dusk, with cracks through the clouds like on an old sidewalk. The sun scorched across the bottom of the clouds making them pink, leaving the clouds above them looking mean with torturous blues and grays. Those mean clouds had been like that all day, making the world seem like a dreary place to be. As the sun hurriedly creped underneath them though, at the end of a long day, our past seemed to matter.
It was as though the time we spent apart was not even a day, and that we could go back in a brisk moment of remembrance. The sun trickled down through the clouds onto the water, and into our eyes making tears fall slowly. Our time together meant something, and our time together is now. Nothing here has neared its end, if anything, things are just beginning for the two of us.

Today I hung out with a bunch of kids again, so smiles were abundant. Mostly, I hung out with Zukie and my best childhood friend, Kelly. We road down to Crystal Beach and remembered for a little bit. We watched these two kids climb a tree we used to climb, and it looks so small now, we couldn’t help but laugh. Kelly has and always will be one of my closest friends, how can she not be? She knows who I am, what I’m proud of and what I’m not so proud of, most of all we have that mutual understanding towards each other. I’m not talking to her to prove a point, but just to talk to her. We listen to each other like we actually care about what the other person is saying. I don’t think there’s any other friends like the ones you grow up with, and who stick with you.
School has gotten harder this week, and the Devil has been invading my life like there’s no tomorrow! Jerk. I really need to get a few things right with God, we have quite a messy relationship right now, and it’s all on my part, I accept that much. I know God doesn’t tempt, but the Devil is really, very good at it. I’ve decided I’m going to start watching what I eat and exercising. Zukie and I have a mutual fear of getting fat, haha. Tomorrow is the long awaited and dreaded picture day!
This weekend I am hoping for a good weekend. I get to hang out with Dimitra tomorrow, Jasmin Saturday, and Stephanie possibly Sunday. I am amped, because I miss them all so much. It will be good to talk with Deedee, laugh with Jasmin, and hear Stephanie. I think the rest of this year is going to be eventful. Literally, straight up full of events. I’m really excited for the girls Chrysalis flight and also Fall Retreat to Warren W. Willis! I am completely thrilled.

I've really got to get to bed though. I'm so soar from bike riding on Kellys bike, hardest thing ever! Mile run this weekend! Woohoo for not BS-ing Hope online, because that would just be wrong, right? RIGHT. You want to know what else is wrong? Stella sleeping with some lab-rat when she should clearly be in bed with Mac Taylor! Goodness, goodness. Good thing Jordan covered for me with my tearing up story over that. Haha, I love her! Anyways, goodnight week 2 of junior year. :D

"My hearts like an open book for the whole world to read. Sometimes nothing, it keeps me together at the seames."

- Home Sweet Home, Carrie Underwood

PS, today I ate / DOMINATED my first Big Mac! :D

Don't Forget

This, this right here is my man.

Demi Lovato would be very disappointed in me right now. For today, I remembered a lot of things that should have never been forgotten. I forgot how much I love just being outside. I forgot how much I love to hear the laughter of children. I forgot how simply beauty can be revealed. I forgot how much I love being the "older sister" to more then just one brother. I forgot how good it feels to forget about all your troubles, and the nonsense in the world and just hang around. I forgot how bright the sun can shine, and how much I can actually enjoy it. Most importantly, I forgot how good it feels to have a soccer ball between my feet. Consequently, I forgot how much of a headache physical activity brings me. Ha, I always forget these simple things, however, it makes it all the more refreshing every time I get to take part in them.

"How are you doing today?" I said politely to him.
"Ah, normal day in the life as an adult." he paused for a minute, and looked me dead in the eye, and glanced at my brother in what seemed to be almost admiration, "I wish I could be a kid again."

Ha, I like to think I’m writing a book, but really I’m just blogging. That was just me talking to some Subway guy. I almost wanted to agree with him, until I remembered that I still am a kid. This whole thinking about college thing, and what I want to do with my life sometimes confuses that. Every time that I hang out with my little brother and neighbors, I say, ‘this is probably the last time I’ll get to do things like this’. I don’t know why I say this, because I’m clearly wrong, but my mind is still indecisive about what’s going on. The reassurance that I still have time in my life, doesn’t stop the pouring in of inconclusive thoughts about my future. I’ve never had something that literally causes me to constantly sit up at night and wonder. It shouldn’t be this big of a deal, should it? To me it is. I have some people who believe in me, believe that I can do great things, and I’m unbelievably thankful for them. There are some people who bring me back to reality, and I have to be thankful for them as well. I guess there’s a point when it’s just about me, what I want to do, and in reality what I CAN do. Also, hopefully, what I do decide to do I will be able to glorify God in some way.

‘And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.’
-Breathe, Taylor Swift

Speaking of God, today was the last youth Sunday, EVER. I’m upset over this because I really like talking to the older people and see them smile at me. Most of all, I like being able to smile at them. Scratch that, it sounds weird. Haha, the point is I really enjoy being able to be a part of the church and I feel more like I am when we have youth Sundays. I also like being able to tell them what we are doing, and thank them because most of the time without them we wouldn’t be able to do it. Point is, it was a good way to start my day. I love youth Sundays. <3

I was going to write something else that was potentially spectacular, but I forgot. I’m very forgetful these days. Tomorrow’s the beginning of another week of school. I’m actually excited, I know things are only going to get harder, but I think I’m ready for the challenge. Remember those people who believe in me? They tend to get me through it, also the ones who don’t know a thing about me. I draw courage from what I need to. This week I start Hope online, I have my first Analysis of Functions quiz, and my first Chemistry lab. It’s going to be a solid week. September is actually going to be a solid month, from what I can tell. One Tree Hill season seven starts, CSI:NY season six starts, and Rock the Universe. Score. I’m also going to read Dear John, by Nicholas Sparks. Only cause one of my favorite quotes on earth is in it, oh and Selena Gomez recommended it, HA. Really though, Nicholas gets it done. Nights in Rodanthe, that was the business. I won’t even start babbling about my ‘nights in Rodanthe’, or an hour south of there. Well, I have to wake up super early to be at school by 6:30 to make up a test. Hopefully this post wasn’t to much of a ramble. My minds kind of confused right now, so please, excuse me.

'I''ll be alone but maybe more carefree, like a kite that floats so effortlessly. I was afraid to be alone, now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be. All these faces none the same..'

-November, Azure Ray

Good song, you should consider listening to it.

Anywho, goodnight, week of new beginings.

<3

I think you need to stop following miserys lead, shine away.

'maybe god can be on both sides of the gun

never understood why, some of us

never cared it's so good, so good'

Yesturday I was reading through things I wrote more towards the begining of the summer, and it's just so intresting to read that. I was so happy, and what I wrote about camp just about broke my heart, haha. Ahww, good summer. :) I kind of want to post some of that writing on here, but it just doesn't feel in the moment enough, I don't know. I just, you know, over and over I say I want to write something amazing, I never feel like I can though. Even when I write on here, if more people were to know about this, I just feel like it would lose all meaning.

'...They give me hope. And, I'm afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it'll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame. Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything's going to be okay and that there's going to be someone there to help make sure of that. ' - Brooke Davis

So, I'm an offical upperclassmen as of yesturday. Yes, I am now a Junior, although, I really don't see the big deal. I mean, I see some small deals, but I just don't see the big deal. The only thing I think cool about being a Junior, is I'm now the girl I looked up to for all those years, "the older one". The one who knows what's up. Anyways, I don't really care that I'm a Junior, except for the fact that I can call Jasmin a freshmen. Getting to the point, I'm really quite fond of this school year. Yes, I do realize I've only made it through two days and have one hundred and seventy eight to go, and only twelve days to miss. I think I can do it. I've got really great classes, almost all of which with friends. The work is going to probably get pretty intense, but I'm working my butt off for bright futures this year, and hopefully something good will come out of that.

"April, do you care about the way you look?" - Mrs. Dragoutsis
"Uhm... I guess so." - Me
"Girrrrllll, you know you do!" - Random girl in my class

After school today, considering I get out at twelve on wednesdays, I hit up Clearwater Fundamental with Steph and helped out in the library, who knew that could be such a fun festable. I might even get a vollunteer badge, depending on how early I can make it up to the school Friday afternoon for pictures, I'm very excited.

I also went to youth group today, which was suprisingly... very grand. I guess I just missed having a good time there. Just... laughing, you know? Feeling the laughter and smiles radiating off of others. We just... played the stupidest games in reality but my goodness, it was just great. It's also very funny the fact that Jasmin & I's trigger in "the trigger game" was both about eachother, HAHA, I love her a lot! Then we worshiped, and, I'm.. weirdly just a big fan of looking at other people when they worship, because you just don't know what they're thinking but... you know that joyous and peaceful feeling that must be erupting in there hearts at that moment... I love knowing other people are feeling that, it's reassring... it gives me hope. I dont' know, the way we looked tonight was different then I've ever witnessed it. We all just seemed to be... standing somewhat forward, anxious for something to happen, waiting for this big wave of greatness to wash over us and cleanse us. Then again, maybe that's just what I was waiting for. It's always, always, always worth the weight. It was a fun night, I'm glad these nights are back for me. I'm also glad, that today was just GOOD, cause when have you ever heared me say I've had a good day on a school day? It's just rare.

' Do you ever wonder where you'd be if in some critical moment your friends just weren't there for you? ' - One Tree Hill

I think the weird thing about today is that I had such a good day at school. (I really enjoy repeating myself over and over again). My point is, I had fun with a bunch of friends who hardly know me, and I hardly know them. Then, when it comes time for my real friends, the ones who I'm very close to and have been through and loads of things together... I just feel, like they don't care so much about me. Not all of them, that would be completely wrong, just some of them always seem distracted or like something else is more important. It could be all in my head, then again, my head's on pretty straight, I'm convinced. I just feel distant from people I once felt so close to... as in, this summer. People from this summer seem easy to laugh with, but when it comes down to me wanting to share something, hell nope. It's probably not as bad as I make it out to be. Then again, keeping everything inside when I just want someone to listen... isn't always the best solution. I keep saying, 'I'll deal', whens that moment going to come when I just can't anymore? I know that feeling... it's not a good one. I just... sometimes, I'm sure I have the opportunity to talk, it's just, I don't want to dominate the conversation, and make it all about me, but I don't want someone else always twisting my conversation to something about them... it just... hurts once you start to notice it. Hmm... 'I'll deal.' Right?

' there are times when the poets and pornstars align and you won`t know who to believe in '

Anyways, you know that friend I said I ran into the other day, but it wasn't really a run in because I knew they was going to be there, and I said I didn't really miss them, it was just made up in my mind that I do. That's probably (I use the term 'probably' very, very loosely) a lie. I don't know, I'm just up and down with that situation, I should probably just put it in the past and keep it there. I should also try to forgive a certain someone living under this roof. No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I pray about it, no matter how many times I give it up to God, it just does not work. I'm convinced I can never forgive that person, and that's scary, because what Neil said is right, 'you know unforgiveness destroys your life'. I know that, I realize that, yet I still can't forgive them. I just can't do it. I should go read now, but I think I'm going to go eat and then pass out, I just really wanted to write. I always really want to write, most the time I usually just don't think anythings very worthy of it, because 'who really cares'.

On a happy note to end this, however, I will just mention one thing that has made me very happy lately, my little brother. He's just, growing up, so he's kind of more of a friend now. Yes, he's still my dorky, little brother but I love him all the same. It's just cooler now because I can have legit conversaions with him and hang out and laugh at the same things. I always just want to help him though... just be his big sister. I guess I can only be what he needs me to be, I guess the same thing applys in any and every situation. Which I admit to being way to pushy in my past, and I've realized that does not work. You have to float other peoples boats, not only yours. That's... my new motto. Haha, righttttt.

Goodnight, world.

P.S. Got enough quotes!? :)

NERD. =X

Today's a different day then yesturday.

Things have changed a lot this summer, I have changed a lot this summer. I've had relationships that wavered and I've had opinions that have altered. Through it all however, one thing has remained burried, yet it didn't change once, even if I forgot about it.

I forgot how much I love the One that gave me life. I'm scared sometimes, I forget sometimes, and sometimes I even doubt. I know I sin, and I know I'm nothing, and I know that I'm not the one who can make this work... He is. I'm not saying, things are perfect between Him and I right now, but hopefully I'm are on my way to something better with Him. There are things I need to quit doing, sins i need to quit commiting, and things I should really give less attention to, and instead, give it to Him.

It's easier to write this all down. It's easier then doing it, then picking up a bible, then singing songs of praise, then being downright joyful all the time. So what made these calm feelings overcome my heart, why now? Him. Ha, I can not explain his mysterious ways, nor will I try now to understand them. Lessons lately though, have been sticking out to me like they hadn't before. Sure, I don't always want to serve like I used to, [I don't think I'll ever be the same Christian I was before] but I think that's OK.

' It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. '

- Romans 9:16

I think that I used to think that I was this perfect Christian girl, I mean, I knew I had my sins, but they were never "the worst", you know? I think that right now me coming to terms with this [even though I havn't completely accepted it yet] helps. I'm not saying, automatically go back into Christian routine... I think it just takes time. I know, however, that I need to start making myself, because if I don't... you know, sometimes just being there is enough. I'm going to stop ranting about what I need to do, because, I know what I need to do. It's just a lot harder to realise when I'm all snuggled up in my bed with my DVD sets, or even my laptop. The point of this blog in the first place was to talk about how good God was to me today.

Today I took communion for the first time since camp. It felt so good, it felt good to feel God again, it was good to have that simple reminder of His love for me and my love for Him. It's surely been feeling good to talk to Him the past few days. It feels great to smile a real, guenuine smile. Everything... I don't know. I'm just done with this hurt. I'm done with the pain being afraid is causing me. To tell you the truth, I think I'll always be afraid, just in general. Maybe, that's just me. Anyway, communion today was glorious.

I also saw an old friend. Honestly, just a lot of thoughts have just been running through my head lately. I don't even know how to write something specific without drifting into all of this confusion.

" You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it. "

- Haley James Scott

Anyway, everything I've typed has nothing to do with what I wanted to say. One Tree Hill watching always makes me think... a lot. Lately I've been doing much thinking about what I want to do with my future. Now, I never wanted to do anything with soccer for my future, but I wouldn't have minded playing a few more years. Since that's kind of out of the picture, I've just been doing more thinking about what to do with myself. I really like to write. I really enjoy it... and I think I could make something out of it, and even if I couldn't, maybe I could go all Lyndsey and be an editor. You know, read other peoples manuscripts, have there book published and watch there dreams come true. [Secret: I love watching people have there dreams come true, that fills my heart with a lot of indisribable joy.] That could be enough for me. Although, I havn't done much reserach on this, so I really don't know much about what editors even do, but based on a fictional show... the job looks apealing. I don't know, I don't know why thoughts about my future keep consuming me, should they be? Who knows, the point is, I'd love to do something great. Then again, who doesn't. I kind of just want to 'remind someone of the magic in the world.' Hmmm, haha, now I'm just trying way to hard to be Mark Schwan. Whatever. ;)

"I'm not Dr. Suess, Stephanie!" - April

"Yeah, but you could be." - Steph

Even if someone shows the smallest bit of belief or confidence in me, I guess I need it. Don't even get me started on my Chrysalis letters, ha. I'm glad this was just basically me ranting. Hmm. So I said I ran into an old friend today? Okay I didn't really run into her, I knew she was going to be where I was. Anyways, I just think it's very odd. That I make this big deal of missing her, but my heart dosn't really even feel like that, my hearts not sad about it anymore. I just... something in me keeps holding on. I don't know, I'm a girl with a neverending supply of hope, even if it's the tinyest spec of it.

" There were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart, that someday it would return to him. And his world would be whole again. And his belief in god and love and art would be reawakened in his heart. " - Lucas Scott

P.S. Expect a breif explanation of the highlights of my summer update, maybe? I don't know if I'll post it, I've just been writing it, cause, well... I had a good summer. Haha. :) Anywho, I've got to get back to Tom Sawyer.