The time has come.

I need to say goodbye to 2009, although, I really am not into "talking to years". That's not the point though. Two thousand and nine has been a very hard year for me. I lost my way a little and wasn't sure if I could ever find it back, but I did. With loving people around me and a God that I would be nothing without. Things are still a little shaky sometimes but moving forward seems to be the way to go. I didn't "find out who I am" this year, but whoever that girl is, got tested like crazy. I'd like to say I will be stronger because of this year. I've had people that I loved walk out of my life like I was nothing, and I've been treated like dirt, but on some occasions, bad memories just can be washed away by the upcoming of beautiful things. I saw God this year so much, it's outstanding actually what that man can do. I went to Chrysalis, Warren W. Willis (twice!), Hillsong United Concert, Rock the Universe, and all of these areas where I saw God were just with my youth group. There were plenty of unexplainable times where I saw Him individually and it was so breathtaking. Beauty was by far abundant this year and all given to me from Him. Things have changed a lot this year, and things will continue to change, but I am hoping, like most people would hope, that it would be for the better.

Resolutions? Not so sure about those yet. Last year I was a fanatic about making them, but this year it doesn't seem so important, my life is not based on what the year "brings to me", it is what I bring to myself and what my God puts in my life. Things will be hard, I know that, but a resolution can't save me from that.

I just want to be the best person that I can be.
I don't want to be depended on others, but only on my Savior.
I want to stop being such a hater, towards myself and others.
I need to forgive people, but not let them trample me again.

If those sound like resolutions to you, then maybe that's what they are. To me, it's things I've always wanted... this is just a time where a "clean slate" could, i presume, be given to me.

2010, I have no idea what will occur this year. I know that I'll turn seventeen. (GETTING OLD.) I'll be starting my senior year of high school. I'll have my last year attending Warren W. Willis summer camp. That's really all I know, the rest of it is opened with... possibilities.

Today's I need not to only say goodbye to 2009, but also, '08, '07, and '06. Years I've been holding onto much to tightly. They're over now. Some of them are filled with wonderful memories but I cannot let those memories hold me back anymore from being the person that I want to become. I'm smarter then I was then, I'm better then I was then. Letting go of these years, these priceless years, will not kill me. I need to remember what I learned from them. I learned so much within' these past four years. Met Jesus Christ. Made friendships that I didn't know could actually be a real life thing, even if those friends are not in my life any more. I've been places and done things that I would never expect myself to have done. I've grown up. Not to say I'm done growing up, because if that was so... well, I'd be in a pickle.

I just need the reassurance, whether I have to give it to myself or wait for someone else to tell me, that everything is going to be okay. That my past can be buried. That I am who I am, and regrets arn't worth it.

"It's my life, I'm taking a stand." - James Lucas Scott.

I'm April Mills, and I've got to much to loose.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV

Then again, maybe that, right there is all I needed to hear.

Mmmmm.

I have to write it out, because I'm hurt and I'm already missing where I was. I need someone to convince me that things are better now. I just keep seeing the beauty in how things were then...

New Years Eve 2008:
Beauty was hidden beneath our faces, underneath our tears, and it was like everything stood still. It seemed as though everything came out, and although that is unrealistic, what was on our hearts that night was shared among each other. Our stories were out, in a candlelit gym, with mirrored walls, and a roll of toilet paper being passed around. When it was all done, we continued sharing our tears in communion and hugs all around. We were supposed to go to a rollerskating party, but we stayed in. We stayed in Golds Gym for the rest of the night, except when we went outside with sparklers and to the fountain that had been filled with soap. We were at peace.


New Years Eve 2009:
We had gotten Bojangles & Cheerwine that day, and the rest was spent in Lake J, and maybe it wasn't as sentimental as the year before, but we were together and that is all that mattered. We took pictures in front of the cross, like usual. We searched for somewhere to eat, there were about eleven of us in one car. We went out to eat at Buddy's BBQ, Steph & Neil filmed their "broadcast". It was fun to be together. We gave the man a big tip, and he thanked us and told us about how this must be a sign from God. It was freezing out. Literally. We spent it in the same church we had visited last year, our group being the most boisterous group there. The new year came in and we did our dance. The bad memories from that trip fade out when I look upon this day.

I know that bringing in the New Year should be looked upon with hope and joy, but it's harder this year for some reason. I don't know what I need to get through tomorrow, it shouldn't be this hard. I don't even know why it is hard, it was just easier with them, it's just going to be different. I guess I need to accept it, and look upon the new year in a brighter way.
I do admit to missing the way things used to be, but a lot of the time I was hurting, so I don't remember why I am holding onto it so much. It's just easier knowing I had something stable to hold onto.


"and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff."

That's been my motto lately.
Send me a prayer.
Happy New Year.

Can't fight this feeling.

"I miss you now, I loved you, and I know things could still be worse."

I can't stop thinking about what I was doing one year ago today, even two years ago today. Discovering new things, seeing new land, hanging out with the absolute best people on this earth, and experiencing feelings that are completely insane. Although I am ready for change, and am ready for the new year, I can't help but miss it.

I know I'm lucky, and I know that things had to change, without it I would be trapped in states of despair, but nevertheless, if I had a choice, I would relive those moments. Those priceless moments, when I'm with hearts full of love, so far away from normal that it only seems as if it is us who exist. For those few days, I'm almost positive that we are.

That's irrational, but that's okay.

We were on top of the world, or at least that's how we felt.

Anyways, at least we got to go on fall retreat this year, which has revealed more to me then anything else, maybe because it put me back in the right direction, towards greatness.

Last nights lock in was amazing, however. Haha. Oh man, grand.

Time to go waste away the rest of break. :)

I'd put the big 'ol thick fall retreat group photo here at the bottom but it's way to complicated, but whatev is clev.

"No one is as lucky as us, we're not at the end, but we've already won."

You are the only exception...

The Bad Stuff:
When being let down by others becomes a reoccurring experience, is it best to eliminate that person out of your life? After a while it gets old. You try to oversee the pain because you love that person, despite there ignorance of there actions. They don't see your pain. Maybe you don't show it, maybe you do; either way, they can't see it. To them, it's not that big of a deal; to them, your pain is pulled out of thin air, and is just being used to put you against them. You feel it though, it's real, don't doubt that it's real. It's hard to not let it hold you down, being hurt by someone you love, it's even harder to forget it. You don't want to believe they could do it again. You don't want to believe that they would be okay with causing you that pain...

The Good Stuff:
I've never been surrounded by family and friends at once, and actually been appreciative of the environment. That is why, last night's youth Christmas party was so beautiful to me. The most important people in my life were all there, under God. I got to make my family proud, and make my friends laugh. We got to pray together, sing together, and laugh together. Glowing faces lit up the room. Ha, I won a cantaloupe from the gift exchange, and my grandpa stole it from me. We did the traditional mad lib, I ate Neil's grandmas veggie squares, I got to read the Christmas story aloud, and ignite the passionate prayer by starting it. Good night. You couldn't have touched me if you wanted to.

The Current Stuff:
Well, school will be over tomorrow, technically, in my eyes it is over. Tomorrow will be just a day that doesn't matter to much. I have to take my Hope exam sunday, then I'll be done with that semester. Southard read me my schedual for second semester and it looks pretty much the same! I'm so excited! :) I'm typing up a whole paper on Fall Retreat, God knows why. Litterally.... Nothing to important, Christmas is next week. I plan on getting nothing if my mom doesn't have health insurance before then. If there are presents under the tree, she should not expect me to open them if she is insurence-less. Oh, and, Paramore CD = golden.

open your eyes like i opened mine,
it's only the real world.

What I'm Thankful For:

1.) The people who have never left me alone.

"...just grab onto your necklace and remember how much God loves you." - KB

"oh yeah that was when you were being a jerk." D. Russ
"can we maybe try focusing on who I am and not who I've been!?"' - Me.
*big hug, and slightly fresh

Rogo
gripes00: not to assume anything, but it seems as though during and following the fall retreat your attitude or enthusiasm for god and life in general has shifted toward inspirational and positive
gripes00: is this true
xLaughTilWeCry: hmmm, yes.
gripes00: ok
gripes00: just verifying

and to everyone else who never left my side. If I was being a jerk, if I was downright joyful, no matter what. I'm just so thankful for the people who are generously placed into my life. Without them, I'd obviously be a completely different person. Without a doubt, I am thankful for them every day. I'm unbelievably thankful to have a best friend like Stephanie Harp to just be able to laugh with. I'm also thankful for everyone who lends an ear to me whenever I need it.

2.) For the beautiful things I've seen this year. From Lake Griffen, to a moment of rejoicing throughout my friends hearts. Everything beautiful and tragic I have seen this year has shaped me into not only who I am at this moment, (because quite frankly, I'm not so sure who that is) but also who I am becoming. This year has been really hard, I had a major period of drifting from my Savior, but all of it I am thankful for. Not because He put me there, but because He brought me back.

3.) Being able to play soccer. Headaches or not, full team or not, enemies on my team or not... I am ridiculously thankful, because I can fly again. Say I'm good at something again. I'm also thankful for learning new skills. Like piano. Pretty cool bob.

4.) I am thankful for the devotion to school I have this year. I just hope I can continue to carry through with it and succeed, because it's all very scary to me.

5.) Sweet potato casserole. So. Good.

Well, there's my top five. If I honestly listed everything I'm thankful for it would be like taking an inventory of the entire world. No inspiration to write anymore. I hope everyone had a nice break. Mine was basically summer in a nutshell. Literally, I hung out with steph, got no sleep, ate way to much food, played video games, and watched One Tree Hill. Pretty serious. :)

Coming to terms with things.

Sometimes it's difficult. Especially when my opinions weigh in differently from day to day. By the end of this summer, I had thought that it was my best summer yet. In this moment I agree. About two weeks ago, I confessed that this summer sucked underneath all of the fun. In this moment I agree. In the past, I could have looked over my summer and said, "I don't see God there at all." I can't agree, here in this moment. My heart was so closed for the past six months, so closed to God and everything He had to offer me that I could not see straight. Having that one moment of impact though, that one moment of pure divinity, that one millisecond where I chose to stand up and open my heart not even a millimeter wide, that is the moment where I not only said that I want Christ back in my life, but that I legitimately acted upon it with others, and that it was not a moment of me, but a moment of Him. I could not have seen that moment coming. Hoped for it, yes. Prayed for it, yes. There was nothing, however, that could have predicted that moment of greatness.

To get to the point of this post. My friend brought up the band All Time Low the other day, and I've been having constant flashbacks to smile-worthy times in my life. Not moments that there was just happiness, but also where there was God. I saw Him in last years Winter Retreat, which I did not expect. Most importantly, I saw him in this summer. I saw him in a car with me and Stephanie cruising down a one lane road that stretches through miles of nothing. I saw him trying to burst through the windows of the car from the inside out, because the small space just could not contain him any longer, just like I did the night where I accepted him back into my life, Halloween night. I saw Him when I was parasailing, I saw Him in the ocean and in the joyful faces of my brothers, I saw Him in the ice cream, and the sand, and the huge house we stayed in. I saw Him in it all looking back. The only question that is now haunting my heart; is that wrong? Is it wrong for me have not to seen God when I was going through these times of troubles yet happiness, yet looking back with an accepting heart, now seeing Him? I don't have much knowledge, except for what I am specifically taught and expected to learn. I did know that he was with me even when I couldn't feel Him, but that was hard for me to accept.

"Meeting Jesus does not resolve in our troubles ending; sometimes our troubles just begin."

I am slowly coming to terms with this statement, because I am experiencing it now. I think something I will always take into deep consideration is what I learned at summer camp this year. As a Christian, it's okay to be angry and upset. It's okay not to be downright joyful all the time. The joyousness that comes from God, however, fills my heart and casts away all stress for me. Yes, there are worries, and there is pain, but in all that there is greatness, and I am determined to find it.

I'm happy. It's good to be smiling again. Distant from others, unaccepted by others, disapproved by others are all side effects of this wondrous joy I feel on the inside. Tomorrow is a Wednesday. I get to meet with people who support me, pray for me, and help me get where I am going. I cannot explain to you the goodness I feel when I walk into that room with my renewed heart. My new favorite part of this glorious experience is lifting up prayer requests and praises and then coming together to feel them together in a circle of hope. Like I said in my last post, I am in love. Until you experience this love, it is doubtful that you can grasp what I am trying to say. All I can tell you is that it is a worth while experience to ask God to reveal himself to you. To open your heart, and give that 1%, even if it hurts at first. All of these paragraphs are directed at one person in particular. Myself: the one who didn't get it.

"...Jesus meets her in the middle of her mess.... Ashamed of her past? Not anymore. All she can think about is her future. A woman whose past has defined her is now defined by her present. Her muddled, mistake-ridden, sin-cluttered past has driven her to a man like no other man, and she wants everyone to meet him."

Never did I ever think I would relate to the Samaritan woman that Jesus meets at the well on the outskirts of town. I am in a non-stop mode of thankfulness lately, and it will continue, because there is nothing that is not to be thankful for.

Quotes are from the book Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli.

It's been a while,

and everything under the moon has changed.

10/30/09 - 11/1/09 - My faith, hope, joy... Everything was renewed. My faith in God, in my best friends, in the people I used to be incredibly close to. My hope in prayer, in life, in God. My joy in the Lord, within my heart, in everything. This particular weekend has changed my life forever. I would not trade it for anything. It was pure and beautiful. There is no more words that I can use to further describe it.

11/11/09 - I lifted up a prayer request that I might find a coach for my soccer team. A day later, I find that I at least have a coach signed up to coach my team.

11/18/09 - I lifted up a prayer request that I would get a team to play with, because we didn't have enough players. The next day, I find out I have a team, and that the next night I would be receiving my jersey.

The power of prayer is the most amazing, wonderful thing. Sure, soccer playing only leads to the most intense migraines I have ever experienced (with the exception of one). I am unbelievably thankful for the opportunity to play soccer, and also to be surrounded with so many people who are in prayer for me and who love me continually without exception. More then anything, I am incredibly thankful to have something to believe in again. Something that gives me hope, something that takes away the fear, something that makes me smile without question, something that starts with weeping and leads to celebration, something I can't change. Something I love. God. To be in love once again, is a greater feeling that I thought possible. It's better then laughter, breaking 100, Wilmington, NC, the Atlantic ocean, plastic utensils, the outer banks. Everything. And I'm in love. :)

"No room for fear, only faith."
Thankyou.