I'm a ghost overground on parade.

always learning : always begining

and it can always be a new day when You're here

So, if I haven't said this already, January 2010 has been the most stressful, busy, ridiculous month I've ever had in my life. There is just so much to be done, and so much that is still going to happen. I've got exams this week... I don't doubt that I can dominate them, but they just worry me. I have to finish moving everything back into my room. I'm turning 17 in like... well soon. Getting old. I'm so stressed whenever I sit down and think about everything, so I've been trying not to, but it's not working out to well. Basically, we're halfway through January... I'm just typing what comes to mind, I can't even think straight at this point. However, life is good, and God is better.

Take me back to the days

when the only think i needed

to feel safe was a seatbelt,

mommy & daddy.

Move me forward to days that are brighter,

days when i'll be done with you forever.

Take me back to the sunflowers we planted;

Move me forward from days where

I couldn't speak without raising my voice

Take me back to cool Christmas mornings

where I thought you were even better then Santa.

Move me forward to days

where i can feel love for someone

who loves me.

Take me back to show me where everything went wrong

take me back to answer one single question,

why does forgiveness play no roll in this relationship?

I'll never be like you.

I can't, and i don't want to.

Move me forward to a cloudless day without you,

move me forward to a day

where I can actually believe

that I have a shot at getting into Heaven.

Move me away from you

Let.

Me.

Out.

What? Just a snidbit of what comes to mind when I'm really angry... Anyways, this has been a tough week at times, but next week will only be harder. Reading the Bible actually helped calm my nerves a lot... it was strange for me. I have SAT's next saturday. Thank GOD for this four day weekend I've had and a three day weekend next week. I'm just really stressed, so if any of you (if anyone actually reads this...) wants to send out a prayer for me, it would be much appriciated. I shouldn't worry, it won't give me one more moment of life, but you know, I'm only human. Anyways, I better go study Chem & get back to the moving process.

'the currents will pull you away from your love,

just keep your head above'

Honestly, despite the whole stress thing, my life is really good right now. Ha, I feel like I just sat here and complained, but no. My life is amazing, there is nothing I would change besides the workload, which is in my own hands. :)

Mmmmm.

Just sitting around... Doing Zukie's homework. No big deal. It's been a crazy twenty-four hours.

How can God even think of being so good to us, I don't know, I guess He's just that good. He is. It's beautiful to see how far we have come. Our youth group, and the individual people within it. It is absolutely amazing to see that he has carried me this far. Our relationship, God & I's, has never been like this before. It's never like... I sit up and cry every night and every morning because of how thankful I am for his being in my life. Okay, I'm being slightly over dramatic. Without a doubt though, there's been tears shed the past few nights and mornings. I'm finally getting back to praying, and worshiping in general. It's just this amazing feeling, but I think I am doing something incredibly different then the last time that I fell in love with Him: I'm not ignoring all the problems around me, I don't just tune them out, I'm actually realising that just because He's in my life doesn't mean I can shut the world out, I can talk to Him about it. I finally have so many sisters & brothers in Christ too that I can talk to and just share my life and faith with and it is an incredible feeling. Sometimes things hurt, I'm clearly still human, and they hurt for a while and knowing God is with me does not immediately take those feelings away, but these are things I have to slowly learn and experience.

Last night at youth group, a lot of us shared our testimonies. It's one of those moments that I didn't realise could happen between those walls. I figured it was something that could only happen when we're in a far away town, but it's not. He was in that place. I found it inspiring that all these people, we are actually... united through God. I forget sometimes. I just forget so much, and I am scared of forgetting again.

"no room for fear, only faith."

It's something I wasn't expecting, and it's something I can't write down, let alone say out loud. Usually I go to school on Thursdays ready to face the world, the aftermath of Wednesdays. Today however, not so much. It turns out making God famous scares me, because the fear of being accepted still overtakes me a lot, it shouldn't. It's not about me.... but it does effecft me. You call it pride, I call it Satan. I finally have friends in school, and I know "they're not real friends if they don't accept you for who you are", but that's not what it is. I know they'll accept me, it's just different... I'm going to take this slow. I've got a lot to learn. Just when you think you know something... ;)

Nevertheless, I remain amazed on what He can do. How he can turn peoples lives upside down completely. Everything... so fantastic. In this moment, this moment of looking back and realising how things have changed, how all the hell that we bared is worth it! Now, because of what we suffered, we've ended up here. Now, we can be who we are.

"Sophomore year... right!?" Haha, I love those people.

I'm just consumed by Him, and I love seeing other people consumed by Him too. Oh, and Jasmin was there, so I was excited. We were BOOMIN'. =] I think it's even more amazing, not more amazing, but... inspiring, surely, that not only do I see these people and see God, but... some of these people see God when they see me, it's insanity. It's so reassuring to see these peoples faith's blossom.

Just some crap that I randomly write before bed.... what? ...

Okay... one thing.

I can see it coming

I see through your eyes

Like I see through this world

Your heart is defected

Your feelings artificial

You draw a line

Because you think crossing it may lead to questions

That you don't' want to answer

You don't even want it

You never even wanted it,

Why are you here?

Surely, you're not one of us.

We're starving for truth

Your idea of truth is a fake smile

And laughs that won't last

You talk to build yourself up

But you can't even see

What you're doing to yourself,

What you are doing to me

I've experienced this betrayal before,

But I expected more from you

I thought your eyes could see what is real

But your heart won't open enough to ever let in what you'll need one day

You underestimate this power

That I can't live without

You underestimate me

And all you do is doubt

I won't live with this burden

It can't be worth the pain to come

You can't answer my question truthfully

Brave your own self

For the life filled with unhappiness

That you have to come

Mm, a little mean, a little true. Needs some more work, and not grammatically correct at all. But, please, tell me why I should always be so down on myself? Oh wait, I shouldn't. Thanks, Alex Waldron for inspiring me to share, in the smallest ways that I don't think you know.

I'm refusing to go back and reread this before I post, so if it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish, it's not, but who cares. God's so good.

"Your daughter's in love,
You've won Your children!"

Goodnight. =]

it's all wrong the way we're working

towards a goal that's nonexistent,

it's not existent,

but we just keep believing

Sometimes I cover up the girl that I am. I look for people who seem to be content with their lives and I wish I were them. Sometimes the girl I wish I was isn't proving anything, and in trying to be her, I am not proving anything. I look up to people with flaws and I aspire to be these people because their lives... they seem fulfilling, real, productive, worthy. Sometimes these people aren't real, sometimes it's just someone I'd rather be, because I don't consider myself "good enough". There is a big difference between growing and changing. There's an even bigger difference between changing by living and changing because of something you want... especially when that thing you went is unrealistic or just not what you actually need.

It's a new year and I'm refusing to look back. Learn from the past, obviously. Dwell on it, not anymore. It's just hurting me... not anyone else, but I'm not going to let it anymore. I'm bigger then it. Sometimes I attempt to give off this different exterior of myself... it's not who I am, and people who have been just meeting me for the first time lately, they aren't meeting the April they should be. I've been this different person all throughout 2009. Learning, trying to hard, and confused. In all different aspects of my life. Things get hard, and sometimes when they get hard I ignore what should be happening in these hard times. I should be turning to God, and to a friend who actually cares. Instead, I've been pushing these two things away, because this pride I've built up inside of me tells me that I will be okay on my own. I'm not. I have false thoughts quite a lot, but there is no one there brave enough to tell me, 'you're wrong'.

In my heart I am a God fearing girl filled with love and hope. I don't come off that way a lot, because sometimes it's hard. It shouldn't be. You know, I don't really know. I'm kind of just ranting to rant, and so it's not all in my head! :) I spent the day with Alex on Sunday, secretly she's one of those people who pulls the words out of you're heart, no matter how close you are you are compelled and confident in talking to her because of the compassion she offers and in the way she responds, you know it's not criticism. I don't know, I got that 'good friend' feeling from her, that I can't really explain. Actually I could, I just don't want to because I'm afraid if I say some things out loud they won't be real any more. Another false though, but some things are better kept inside. Not all things though.

Goodnight, and look out January, I'm about to dominate.

The time has come.

I need to say goodbye to 2009, although, I really am not into "talking to years". That's not the point though. Two thousand and nine has been a very hard year for me. I lost my way a little and wasn't sure if I could ever find it back, but I did. With loving people around me and a God that I would be nothing without. Things are still a little shaky sometimes but moving forward seems to be the way to go. I didn't "find out who I am" this year, but whoever that girl is, got tested like crazy. I'd like to say I will be stronger because of this year. I've had people that I loved walk out of my life like I was nothing, and I've been treated like dirt, but on some occasions, bad memories just can be washed away by the upcoming of beautiful things. I saw God this year so much, it's outstanding actually what that man can do. I went to Chrysalis, Warren W. Willis (twice!), Hillsong United Concert, Rock the Universe, and all of these areas where I saw God were just with my youth group. There were plenty of unexplainable times where I saw Him individually and it was so breathtaking. Beauty was by far abundant this year and all given to me from Him. Things have changed a lot this year, and things will continue to change, but I am hoping, like most people would hope, that it would be for the better.

Resolutions? Not so sure about those yet. Last year I was a fanatic about making them, but this year it doesn't seem so important, my life is not based on what the year "brings to me", it is what I bring to myself and what my God puts in my life. Things will be hard, I know that, but a resolution can't save me from that.

I just want to be the best person that I can be.
I don't want to be depended on others, but only on my Savior.
I want to stop being such a hater, towards myself and others.
I need to forgive people, but not let them trample me again.

If those sound like resolutions to you, then maybe that's what they are. To me, it's things I've always wanted... this is just a time where a "clean slate" could, i presume, be given to me.

2010, I have no idea what will occur this year. I know that I'll turn seventeen. (GETTING OLD.) I'll be starting my senior year of high school. I'll have my last year attending Warren W. Willis summer camp. That's really all I know, the rest of it is opened with... possibilities.

Today's I need not to only say goodbye to 2009, but also, '08, '07, and '06. Years I've been holding onto much to tightly. They're over now. Some of them are filled with wonderful memories but I cannot let those memories hold me back anymore from being the person that I want to become. I'm smarter then I was then, I'm better then I was then. Letting go of these years, these priceless years, will not kill me. I need to remember what I learned from them. I learned so much within' these past four years. Met Jesus Christ. Made friendships that I didn't know could actually be a real life thing, even if those friends are not in my life any more. I've been places and done things that I would never expect myself to have done. I've grown up. Not to say I'm done growing up, because if that was so... well, I'd be in a pickle.

I just need the reassurance, whether I have to give it to myself or wait for someone else to tell me, that everything is going to be okay. That my past can be buried. That I am who I am, and regrets arn't worth it.

"It's my life, I'm taking a stand." - James Lucas Scott.

I'm April Mills, and I've got to much to loose.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV

Then again, maybe that, right there is all I needed to hear.

Mmmmm.

I have to write it out, because I'm hurt and I'm already missing where I was. I need someone to convince me that things are better now. I just keep seeing the beauty in how things were then...

New Years Eve 2008:
Beauty was hidden beneath our faces, underneath our tears, and it was like everything stood still. It seemed as though everything came out, and although that is unrealistic, what was on our hearts that night was shared among each other. Our stories were out, in a candlelit gym, with mirrored walls, and a roll of toilet paper being passed around. When it was all done, we continued sharing our tears in communion and hugs all around. We were supposed to go to a rollerskating party, but we stayed in. We stayed in Golds Gym for the rest of the night, except when we went outside with sparklers and to the fountain that had been filled with soap. We were at peace.


New Years Eve 2009:
We had gotten Bojangles & Cheerwine that day, and the rest was spent in Lake J, and maybe it wasn't as sentimental as the year before, but we were together and that is all that mattered. We took pictures in front of the cross, like usual. We searched for somewhere to eat, there were about eleven of us in one car. We went out to eat at Buddy's BBQ, Steph & Neil filmed their "broadcast". It was fun to be together. We gave the man a big tip, and he thanked us and told us about how this must be a sign from God. It was freezing out. Literally. We spent it in the same church we had visited last year, our group being the most boisterous group there. The new year came in and we did our dance. The bad memories from that trip fade out when I look upon this day.

I know that bringing in the New Year should be looked upon with hope and joy, but it's harder this year for some reason. I don't know what I need to get through tomorrow, it shouldn't be this hard. I don't even know why it is hard, it was just easier with them, it's just going to be different. I guess I need to accept it, and look upon the new year in a brighter way.
I do admit to missing the way things used to be, but a lot of the time I was hurting, so I don't remember why I am holding onto it so much. It's just easier knowing I had something stable to hold onto.


"and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff."

That's been my motto lately.
Send me a prayer.
Happy New Year.

Can't fight this feeling.

"I miss you now, I loved you, and I know things could still be worse."

I can't stop thinking about what I was doing one year ago today, even two years ago today. Discovering new things, seeing new land, hanging out with the absolute best people on this earth, and experiencing feelings that are completely insane. Although I am ready for change, and am ready for the new year, I can't help but miss it.

I know I'm lucky, and I know that things had to change, without it I would be trapped in states of despair, but nevertheless, if I had a choice, I would relive those moments. Those priceless moments, when I'm with hearts full of love, so far away from normal that it only seems as if it is us who exist. For those few days, I'm almost positive that we are.

That's irrational, but that's okay.

We were on top of the world, or at least that's how we felt.

Anyways, at least we got to go on fall retreat this year, which has revealed more to me then anything else, maybe because it put me back in the right direction, towards greatness.

Last nights lock in was amazing, however. Haha. Oh man, grand.

Time to go waste away the rest of break. :)

I'd put the big 'ol thick fall retreat group photo here at the bottom but it's way to complicated, but whatev is clev.

"No one is as lucky as us, we're not at the end, but we've already won."

You are the only exception...

The Bad Stuff:
When being let down by others becomes a reoccurring experience, is it best to eliminate that person out of your life? After a while it gets old. You try to oversee the pain because you love that person, despite there ignorance of there actions. They don't see your pain. Maybe you don't show it, maybe you do; either way, they can't see it. To them, it's not that big of a deal; to them, your pain is pulled out of thin air, and is just being used to put you against them. You feel it though, it's real, don't doubt that it's real. It's hard to not let it hold you down, being hurt by someone you love, it's even harder to forget it. You don't want to believe they could do it again. You don't want to believe that they would be okay with causing you that pain...

The Good Stuff:
I've never been surrounded by family and friends at once, and actually been appreciative of the environment. That is why, last night's youth Christmas party was so beautiful to me. The most important people in my life were all there, under God. I got to make my family proud, and make my friends laugh. We got to pray together, sing together, and laugh together. Glowing faces lit up the room. Ha, I won a cantaloupe from the gift exchange, and my grandpa stole it from me. We did the traditional mad lib, I ate Neil's grandmas veggie squares, I got to read the Christmas story aloud, and ignite the passionate prayer by starting it. Good night. You couldn't have touched me if you wanted to.

The Current Stuff:
Well, school will be over tomorrow, technically, in my eyes it is over. Tomorrow will be just a day that doesn't matter to much. I have to take my Hope exam sunday, then I'll be done with that semester. Southard read me my schedual for second semester and it looks pretty much the same! I'm so excited! :) I'm typing up a whole paper on Fall Retreat, God knows why. Litterally.... Nothing to important, Christmas is next week. I plan on getting nothing if my mom doesn't have health insurance before then. If there are presents under the tree, she should not expect me to open them if she is insurence-less. Oh, and, Paramore CD = golden.

open your eyes like i opened mine,
it's only the real world.