Friday, March 26, 2010

Everyone knows I'm in over my head...[]


Moving on to real life...

You take the little bit of strength & belief that I have left in me... and you blow it out of proportion. I am eternally grateful. You people look at me and you see the things that I cannot. You talk to me like I am real, and the things you say to me always seem real. You are the truest friends that I have.
Wednesday nights are the times that give the week a true perspective. Beautiful moments where the definition of hope is redefined completely. Where weak touches can break your composure in an instant, but it's all for the good of this everlasting moment. Before, during, and after are all times that I treasure. Before: We sit there and we talk truthfully. We laugh and are thankful. The lighting is pure and I feel comfortable. We enjoy stupid jokes. During: Laughter is a reoccurring event, and so is the Lords presence in and around us. We talk again, we share our hearts and we are now just girls in a thermos of a hallway. Most of our weeks have been normal days or piled with hardship. We cry for each other, some of us don't share all, but in this dim lighting, we are alone with the realness of this life. We have each other, and we pray for each other. It is amazing, our love for each other, our ability to share, and the little knowledge we have. We come together, being "such girls", and we hug. It always starts with a group hug and separates into smaller hugs. We laugh and make jokes afterward, but it all is still so real. We come back to a bigger, darker place, and there is more sharing. Things are different but we are still together. There is one candle and we share in the worship of our wonderful God. There is more sharing, more worship, and more sharing. You mention my name, and I know your story, and I am so thankful for it. Your walk with the Lord has always strengthened mine. In the darkness we worship. We jump and we sing at the top of our lungs. There are shakers and big movements, because our God's love never fails, and His mercy is new each morning. After: We are sad it is over but grateful that it happened. We say our goodbyes, but I could stay here forever. I leave with a sense of knowing that I can do this.

That is only one Wednesday night for me. That is not all that it is about, but it is all that makes my life beautiful. Life is hard & life is good. Mostly hard. But good too.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I'm. Alone. In. This.

This is going to be a post of disregard, realization, and hurt. Are you ready?


My last post was a tad, false. I feel most of it. Most of it. However, I realized the most amazing thing. I bury myself in all this stuff to cloud my head of the things that are actually worth thinking about right? I make it so my mind can't even see... truth. However, sitting in my bathroom the other day (weirdbeard) just me, alone, for once in a long while, just me and my thoughts. I realised... that I believe in God. I just... I said that out loud and tears came to my eyes. None of my problems... are God's problems. They're problems that I create and.. maybe, I don't know, I blame God, because "He's in charge"? He is great though. In that moment I realised that my faith in Him is real and that matters so much more than anything else. It doesn't sound moving typed out. That moment however gave me so much perspective, and "perspective is a lovely hand to hold".

"God, he suddenly understood, was love in its purest form.."


Yes, I am hurt. My soul is wounded with open scars. Actually maybe the title of this section should be Change. I have realised lately that change happens. Whether we want it or not, it is an inevitable factor that haunts each and every one of our lives. Everyone changes at different times, the ever so slightest change occurs day to day. Our rate of change though... it's just not the same as someone elses. So, what if one day, we change. Can others still feel the same about us? Can they love a changed person? The change could be for better or for worse... but it not might work into someone elses, someone elses who you were once close to, life. "People change and promises are broken, clouds will move and skies will be wide open." I often find that when I change, I push people out. I've recently learned what real friendship is. Yet I can't seem to apply that in my own friendships and life. Anyway, I can't explain this ramble. It's really just a bunch of things flying around in my heart. I am hurt, and things are bound to change. I am going to make things change.

Things you should know:

-When you doubt me, all it does is motivate me.
-I'm an undercover vegetarian.
-I do what I want, sometimes I know what I want and sometimes I don't.

Well, here we are. Who knows what I'm talking about.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Just go get your shovel.

That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him that they world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without."

The earth shattered as the rain fell and pelted my skin like it had the summer before. It didn't feel the same though, the rain didn't feel like a knife now, so much as it did a cold drop of water. Which is perhaps, exactly what it was. For me however, it was only a reminder of how lost I am. It's like... food still tastes good, and I can still be overcome by a powerful spell of influencive beauty that is captured in only one room... but none of it's real. It all just quickly fades into the black and white picture film of my past, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Yet, there has to be. There has to be something to do with it, yet I still resort to what I know is wrong. I go back to the plan of summer 2009, and I hide under books, tv shows, and my best friend. Mostly my days are a battle. They are filled with half of me wanting to serve my God, and half of me wanting to do what I want. I still want to be the girl who can light up a room, one singular face that has lost it's hope in a sea of high school students. My pride tells me I can do it alone. Of course, the knowledge I have, which is quite a lot by the way, brings me back to what I already know: I. Can't. I've already tried, and I thought I had learned my lesson. I guess it's just one of the waves, one of the huge, huge, HUGE waves. No. Not even that. It's just a lot of waves. It's the consistency of seven foot waves continuing to rain down on me. It's just me, fifty feet out from the shore, and these waves, they just keep coming. I think, "Hey, look, I can breathe, I'm good--" BAM, there comes another one, so I tumble underwater for what seems like forever yet again. They never stop coming. No, no. It's like I'm a bookshelf. A big seventeen shelf bookshelf, and there are just so many books, so many of them. There's books from school, and from friends, and from family, and from God, and the unknown, and about so much other miscellaneous stuff that they literally go in the miscellaneous category. All the books are all mixed up though, not in place. Not one of them though, contrary to Taylor Swifts' beliefs, is a fairytale. They're all huge books, we're not talking paperback. Well, maybe some are paperbacks. Yeah. Definitely, the ones that I want to get rid of but they keep sticking around, because once, they were a good story. It's so hard to see past the books and the waves. I can't see past them, and when I do, it's vast and it's vacant. That's more scary then the waves and the books themselves. Maybe it's all about the struggles though. The Old Man(from The Old Man and The Sea) he had his struggles, yet he got what he wanted because he persevered. Now, he wasn't defeated... yet he ended up with nothing... nothing. Yet again, he did it alone.

Sometimes I guess you just write things because that's what you're feeling and you have no one to talk to. Either because the courage to talk to them isn't there, or you just don't think your problems are worth it. "Sometimes people write the things they can't say." That sounds better, thank you Haley James Scott. Anyways... Maybe I'm feeling a bit jealous. Today is my old Best Friends birthday, and I'm not sad we're not as good friends any more... but... I'm so proud of her. She has come so far. So far in her faith. It is the most beautiful thing, and renews my faith daily. Dimitra Russert may have been a sinner, but the Lord has made her beautiful. I guess, this is where the jealousy comes in, because I am so far behind her in that area of my life. It just used to be.. different. I feel like I pulled an Andrew Garcia and just peaked way to early... but all the triple dots are starting to freak me out... So we move on.

So sometimes I wish I would have never found God, that would give me an excuse for never knowing what to do. It would give me an excuse for not being able to ask my best friend to pray for me. It would give me the privlage of being able to do what I want. It all sounds bad, and I don't like admiting it, because in all honestly.. well I just don't know. I have found God though, and He's saved me from it all. I always know He'll welcome me back with open arms, though I know I don't diserve that. Tonight I hope to have dashboard confessional, US 19, and God knows what else. I'd like to believe that all things will work themselfs out. "And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works." The hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see, which is another Relient K song... possibly the same one, but if I put quotes around to many thing's I'll look unorriginal. I drive wreckless sometimes, and I like it. My heart pumps, it beats and I don't know what it's beating for. If it's just an organ then it contains nothing but blood and is keeping me alive, but I believe in more then science, yet I'm made up of lamenin which is incredible. I just feel like I'm in this state of having a breaking heart again and I just don't think I can deal with it. Let alone can I explain it. Wtih God, there are no completly bad days, because there's always the joy, but here. Here, trapped in this state of discomfort... I just feel trapped. There's a lot of locks. I don't see any keys though. I only see the window.

Quotes? Relient K, Looking for Alaska, and I don't care to go back and read my rant again to see the other ones. Great, I'm not even entertaining myself. So, if anyone actually reads this, if I get one question asking "what's wrong?" don't ask me that. Sure, I appriciate the concern, but I just don't want to hear it. I'm fine. Sometimes your fingers just get carried awayyyyy.