The time has come.

I need to say goodbye to 2009, although, I really am not into "talking to years". That's not the point though. Two thousand and nine has been a very hard year for me. I lost my way a little and wasn't sure if I could ever find it back, but I did. With loving people around me and a God that I would be nothing without. Things are still a little shaky sometimes but moving forward seems to be the way to go. I didn't "find out who I am" this year, but whoever that girl is, got tested like crazy. I'd like to say I will be stronger because of this year. I've had people that I loved walk out of my life like I was nothing, and I've been treated like dirt, but on some occasions, bad memories just can be washed away by the upcoming of beautiful things. I saw God this year so much, it's outstanding actually what that man can do. I went to Chrysalis, Warren W. Willis (twice!), Hillsong United Concert, Rock the Universe, and all of these areas where I saw God were just with my youth group. There were plenty of unexplainable times where I saw Him individually and it was so breathtaking. Beauty was by far abundant this year and all given to me from Him. Things have changed a lot this year, and things will continue to change, but I am hoping, like most people would hope, that it would be for the better.

Resolutions? Not so sure about those yet. Last year I was a fanatic about making them, but this year it doesn't seem so important, my life is not based on what the year "brings to me", it is what I bring to myself and what my God puts in my life. Things will be hard, I know that, but a resolution can't save me from that.

I just want to be the best person that I can be.
I don't want to be depended on others, but only on my Savior.
I want to stop being such a hater, towards myself and others.
I need to forgive people, but not let them trample me again.

If those sound like resolutions to you, then maybe that's what they are. To me, it's things I've always wanted... this is just a time where a "clean slate" could, i presume, be given to me.

2010, I have no idea what will occur this year. I know that I'll turn seventeen. (GETTING OLD.) I'll be starting my senior year of high school. I'll have my last year attending Warren W. Willis summer camp. That's really all I know, the rest of it is opened with... possibilities.

Today's I need not to only say goodbye to 2009, but also, '08, '07, and '06. Years I've been holding onto much to tightly. They're over now. Some of them are filled with wonderful memories but I cannot let those memories hold me back anymore from being the person that I want to become. I'm smarter then I was then, I'm better then I was then. Letting go of these years, these priceless years, will not kill me. I need to remember what I learned from them. I learned so much within' these past four years. Met Jesus Christ. Made friendships that I didn't know could actually be a real life thing, even if those friends are not in my life any more. I've been places and done things that I would never expect myself to have done. I've grown up. Not to say I'm done growing up, because if that was so... well, I'd be in a pickle.

I just need the reassurance, whether I have to give it to myself or wait for someone else to tell me, that everything is going to be okay. That my past can be buried. That I am who I am, and regrets arn't worth it.

"It's my life, I'm taking a stand." - James Lucas Scott.

I'm April Mills, and I've got to much to loose.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV

Then again, maybe that, right there is all I needed to hear.

Mmmmm.

I have to write it out, because I'm hurt and I'm already missing where I was. I need someone to convince me that things are better now. I just keep seeing the beauty in how things were then...

New Years Eve 2008:
Beauty was hidden beneath our faces, underneath our tears, and it was like everything stood still. It seemed as though everything came out, and although that is unrealistic, what was on our hearts that night was shared among each other. Our stories were out, in a candlelit gym, with mirrored walls, and a roll of toilet paper being passed around. When it was all done, we continued sharing our tears in communion and hugs all around. We were supposed to go to a rollerskating party, but we stayed in. We stayed in Golds Gym for the rest of the night, except when we went outside with sparklers and to the fountain that had been filled with soap. We were at peace.


New Years Eve 2009:
We had gotten Bojangles & Cheerwine that day, and the rest was spent in Lake J, and maybe it wasn't as sentimental as the year before, but we were together and that is all that mattered. We took pictures in front of the cross, like usual. We searched for somewhere to eat, there were about eleven of us in one car. We went out to eat at Buddy's BBQ, Steph & Neil filmed their "broadcast". It was fun to be together. We gave the man a big tip, and he thanked us and told us about how this must be a sign from God. It was freezing out. Literally. We spent it in the same church we had visited last year, our group being the most boisterous group there. The new year came in and we did our dance. The bad memories from that trip fade out when I look upon this day.

I know that bringing in the New Year should be looked upon with hope and joy, but it's harder this year for some reason. I don't know what I need to get through tomorrow, it shouldn't be this hard. I don't even know why it is hard, it was just easier with them, it's just going to be different. I guess I need to accept it, and look upon the new year in a brighter way.
I do admit to missing the way things used to be, but a lot of the time I was hurting, so I don't remember why I am holding onto it so much. It's just easier knowing I had something stable to hold onto.


"and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff."

That's been my motto lately.
Send me a prayer.
Happy New Year.

Can't fight this feeling.

"I miss you now, I loved you, and I know things could still be worse."

I can't stop thinking about what I was doing one year ago today, even two years ago today. Discovering new things, seeing new land, hanging out with the absolute best people on this earth, and experiencing feelings that are completely insane. Although I am ready for change, and am ready for the new year, I can't help but miss it.

I know I'm lucky, and I know that things had to change, without it I would be trapped in states of despair, but nevertheless, if I had a choice, I would relive those moments. Those priceless moments, when I'm with hearts full of love, so far away from normal that it only seems as if it is us who exist. For those few days, I'm almost positive that we are.

That's irrational, but that's okay.

We were on top of the world, or at least that's how we felt.

Anyways, at least we got to go on fall retreat this year, which has revealed more to me then anything else, maybe because it put me back in the right direction, towards greatness.

Last nights lock in was amazing, however. Haha. Oh man, grand.

Time to go waste away the rest of break. :)

I'd put the big 'ol thick fall retreat group photo here at the bottom but it's way to complicated, but whatev is clev.

"No one is as lucky as us, we're not at the end, but we've already won."

You are the only exception...

The Bad Stuff:
When being let down by others becomes a reoccurring experience, is it best to eliminate that person out of your life? After a while it gets old. You try to oversee the pain because you love that person, despite there ignorance of there actions. They don't see your pain. Maybe you don't show it, maybe you do; either way, they can't see it. To them, it's not that big of a deal; to them, your pain is pulled out of thin air, and is just being used to put you against them. You feel it though, it's real, don't doubt that it's real. It's hard to not let it hold you down, being hurt by someone you love, it's even harder to forget it. You don't want to believe they could do it again. You don't want to believe that they would be okay with causing you that pain...

The Good Stuff:
I've never been surrounded by family and friends at once, and actually been appreciative of the environment. That is why, last night's youth Christmas party was so beautiful to me. The most important people in my life were all there, under God. I got to make my family proud, and make my friends laugh. We got to pray together, sing together, and laugh together. Glowing faces lit up the room. Ha, I won a cantaloupe from the gift exchange, and my grandpa stole it from me. We did the traditional mad lib, I ate Neil's grandmas veggie squares, I got to read the Christmas story aloud, and ignite the passionate prayer by starting it. Good night. You couldn't have touched me if you wanted to.

The Current Stuff:
Well, school will be over tomorrow, technically, in my eyes it is over. Tomorrow will be just a day that doesn't matter to much. I have to take my Hope exam sunday, then I'll be done with that semester. Southard read me my schedual for second semester and it looks pretty much the same! I'm so excited! :) I'm typing up a whole paper on Fall Retreat, God knows why. Litterally.... Nothing to important, Christmas is next week. I plan on getting nothing if my mom doesn't have health insurance before then. If there are presents under the tree, she should not expect me to open them if she is insurence-less. Oh, and, Paramore CD = golden.

open your eyes like i opened mine,
it's only the real world.

What I'm Thankful For:

1.) The people who have never left me alone.

"...just grab onto your necklace and remember how much God loves you." - KB

"oh yeah that was when you were being a jerk." D. Russ
"can we maybe try focusing on who I am and not who I've been!?"' - Me.
*big hug, and slightly fresh

Rogo
gripes00: not to assume anything, but it seems as though during and following the fall retreat your attitude or enthusiasm for god and life in general has shifted toward inspirational and positive
gripes00: is this true
xLaughTilWeCry: hmmm, yes.
gripes00: ok
gripes00: just verifying

and to everyone else who never left my side. If I was being a jerk, if I was downright joyful, no matter what. I'm just so thankful for the people who are generously placed into my life. Without them, I'd obviously be a completely different person. Without a doubt, I am thankful for them every day. I'm unbelievably thankful to have a best friend like Stephanie Harp to just be able to laugh with. I'm also thankful for everyone who lends an ear to me whenever I need it.

2.) For the beautiful things I've seen this year. From Lake Griffen, to a moment of rejoicing throughout my friends hearts. Everything beautiful and tragic I have seen this year has shaped me into not only who I am at this moment, (because quite frankly, I'm not so sure who that is) but also who I am becoming. This year has been really hard, I had a major period of drifting from my Savior, but all of it I am thankful for. Not because He put me there, but because He brought me back.

3.) Being able to play soccer. Headaches or not, full team or not, enemies on my team or not... I am ridiculously thankful, because I can fly again. Say I'm good at something again. I'm also thankful for learning new skills. Like piano. Pretty cool bob.

4.) I am thankful for the devotion to school I have this year. I just hope I can continue to carry through with it and succeed, because it's all very scary to me.

5.) Sweet potato casserole. So. Good.

Well, there's my top five. If I honestly listed everything I'm thankful for it would be like taking an inventory of the entire world. No inspiration to write anymore. I hope everyone had a nice break. Mine was basically summer in a nutshell. Literally, I hung out with steph, got no sleep, ate way to much food, played video games, and watched One Tree Hill. Pretty serious. :)

Coming to terms with things.

Sometimes it's difficult. Especially when my opinions weigh in differently from day to day. By the end of this summer, I had thought that it was my best summer yet. In this moment I agree. About two weeks ago, I confessed that this summer sucked underneath all of the fun. In this moment I agree. In the past, I could have looked over my summer and said, "I don't see God there at all." I can't agree, here in this moment. My heart was so closed for the past six months, so closed to God and everything He had to offer me that I could not see straight. Having that one moment of impact though, that one moment of pure divinity, that one millisecond where I chose to stand up and open my heart not even a millimeter wide, that is the moment where I not only said that I want Christ back in my life, but that I legitimately acted upon it with others, and that it was not a moment of me, but a moment of Him. I could not have seen that moment coming. Hoped for it, yes. Prayed for it, yes. There was nothing, however, that could have predicted that moment of greatness.

To get to the point of this post. My friend brought up the band All Time Low the other day, and I've been having constant flashbacks to smile-worthy times in my life. Not moments that there was just happiness, but also where there was God. I saw Him in last years Winter Retreat, which I did not expect. Most importantly, I saw him in this summer. I saw him in a car with me and Stephanie cruising down a one lane road that stretches through miles of nothing. I saw him trying to burst through the windows of the car from the inside out, because the small space just could not contain him any longer, just like I did the night where I accepted him back into my life, Halloween night. I saw Him when I was parasailing, I saw Him in the ocean and in the joyful faces of my brothers, I saw Him in the ice cream, and the sand, and the huge house we stayed in. I saw Him in it all looking back. The only question that is now haunting my heart; is that wrong? Is it wrong for me have not to seen God when I was going through these times of troubles yet happiness, yet looking back with an accepting heart, now seeing Him? I don't have much knowledge, except for what I am specifically taught and expected to learn. I did know that he was with me even when I couldn't feel Him, but that was hard for me to accept.

"Meeting Jesus does not resolve in our troubles ending; sometimes our troubles just begin."

I am slowly coming to terms with this statement, because I am experiencing it now. I think something I will always take into deep consideration is what I learned at summer camp this year. As a Christian, it's okay to be angry and upset. It's okay not to be downright joyful all the time. The joyousness that comes from God, however, fills my heart and casts away all stress for me. Yes, there are worries, and there is pain, but in all that there is greatness, and I am determined to find it.

I'm happy. It's good to be smiling again. Distant from others, unaccepted by others, disapproved by others are all side effects of this wondrous joy I feel on the inside. Tomorrow is a Wednesday. I get to meet with people who support me, pray for me, and help me get where I am going. I cannot explain to you the goodness I feel when I walk into that room with my renewed heart. My new favorite part of this glorious experience is lifting up prayer requests and praises and then coming together to feel them together in a circle of hope. Like I said in my last post, I am in love. Until you experience this love, it is doubtful that you can grasp what I am trying to say. All I can tell you is that it is a worth while experience to ask God to reveal himself to you. To open your heart, and give that 1%, even if it hurts at first. All of these paragraphs are directed at one person in particular. Myself: the one who didn't get it.

"...Jesus meets her in the middle of her mess.... Ashamed of her past? Not anymore. All she can think about is her future. A woman whose past has defined her is now defined by her present. Her muddled, mistake-ridden, sin-cluttered past has driven her to a man like no other man, and she wants everyone to meet him."

Never did I ever think I would relate to the Samaritan woman that Jesus meets at the well on the outskirts of town. I am in a non-stop mode of thankfulness lately, and it will continue, because there is nothing that is not to be thankful for.

Quotes are from the book Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli.

It's been a while,

and everything under the moon has changed.

10/30/09 - 11/1/09 - My faith, hope, joy... Everything was renewed. My faith in God, in my best friends, in the people I used to be incredibly close to. My hope in prayer, in life, in God. My joy in the Lord, within my heart, in everything. This particular weekend has changed my life forever. I would not trade it for anything. It was pure and beautiful. There is no more words that I can use to further describe it.

11/11/09 - I lifted up a prayer request that I might find a coach for my soccer team. A day later, I find that I at least have a coach signed up to coach my team.

11/18/09 - I lifted up a prayer request that I would get a team to play with, because we didn't have enough players. The next day, I find out I have a team, and that the next night I would be receiving my jersey.

The power of prayer is the most amazing, wonderful thing. Sure, soccer playing only leads to the most intense migraines I have ever experienced (with the exception of one). I am unbelievably thankful for the opportunity to play soccer, and also to be surrounded with so many people who are in prayer for me and who love me continually without exception. More then anything, I am incredibly thankful to have something to believe in again. Something that gives me hope, something that takes away the fear, something that makes me smile without question, something that starts with weeping and leads to celebration, something I can't change. Something I love. God. To be in love once again, is a greater feeling that I thought possible. It's better then laughter, breaking 100, Wilmington, NC, the Atlantic ocean, plastic utensils, the outer banks. Everything. And I'm in love. :)

"No room for fear, only faith."
Thankyou.

This is me afraid...

Life is life. It's up, and it's down. It's hard, and it's simple. It varies.

Today for me is Day 5. Day 5 of potential, possibility, and promise. I can only hope that it works out in my favor, so far, it has been. Then again, it's only Day 5.

I can't find any inspiration to write within me, not like my life is uneventful or without color, I just currently can't derive any.

'I'm just surviving.'

And I think I am just as torn inside...

Edittttttttttt*

Well, I'm probably to emotionally tied into to many TV shows to even think straight right now, but even so I am choosing to catch the few that read this up to the things in my life. Well... let me just get my TV show rants out of the way. Why on earth would they ever bring April into Luke’s life NOW, and why would he be such a jerk about it and push Lorelai so far away!? Why didn’t he accept Lorelai’s ultimatum. Jerk. Why don't writers ever put those who belong together... TOGETHER. Booth & Bones!? MAC & STELLA, shall I really start on Mac & Stella!? No... I won't. I have put my hope in the fact that the Mac/Stella/Adam "triangle" is like the Brooke/Peyton/Lucas triangle. This is all worthless nonsense though, let's move on.
Let's just dive right into the wrath I have burning in my heart right now. There are two wraths, actually. One, the wrath of Stephanie Harp. No, Stephanie Harp didn't put a label on me, don't worry. I love her to death, anyways, on with the anger. Why on earth would someone put a label on me!? It's just annoying, I don't want to be labeled, and it’s just so annoying, especially when the label is just completely ridiculous. I mean, it’s always bothered me when people call me ‘religious’, because quite frankly, that is not the right word. Now it’s just frustrating and it turns me away from people and ‘religiousness’. Well, wrath number two, myself. Since when am I the girl I never wanted to be? Let’s not get into that though. NO. Let's dig into it. Let's dig deep. I hate the girl I see when I look in the mirror now, my emotions are all over the place, I'm never stable and feel the one emotion I miss the most. Joyful. It only comes in waves, lonely waves that we're calling happiness. It's just... I know it's okay to be angry and to have emotions as a Christian, but things are wrong here. I just, love sinning more then I love God. That turns my heart upside down in my heart when I say that but that's the way I am acting. I don't like it. I don't think about God anymore, I mean I do, but not like I used to, not like I should. I just don't really know what to do because it hurts. I'm perfectly capable of being happy, it just never lasts. It's just not... right.
I’ve got a good pitch for the Good News Daily though. I am exhilarated when I say that I am going to be playing soccer this season. Yes, it’s going to suck with the headaches but this is worth it, it’s so worth it. If the pain is to much I’ll pull a Lucas Scott, but for now I’m going to do what I love. It was just perfect timing when I signed onto the website and realized that the last sign up was a day away. Glorious. I finally got some new medicine that I've heared works for a lot of people with chronic migraine headaches. (don't get me started on my chronic migraine headaches that occur when exerting physical activity rant) Of course, I've been perscribed over 6 medicatoins that have also helped others headaches, but hey. This could be the time! Seventh times a charm. No really, minus the sarcasm and everything, I really want this to work, so if you have any beleif in God himself and the power of prayer, please throw my name in there this time.. not only for the headache thing, just, everything. I havn't asked for prayer in a long time, because something's telling me I don't diserve it, and something else is telling me it doesn't work. I know better then that though...
This isn’t very… well written or anything because my emotions are all mixed up, but I don’t really have much control over any of that. This is just what I’m up to…

'just when things went right, doesn't mean they were always wrong...'

Some things we don't talk about

rather do without

just hold a smile

I've got a lot going on in my heart lately, but I've noticed lately I don't ever want to talk about it. I mean, I'm sure if someone offered to listen, I'd love to go on a rampage and draw a lot of attention to myself, because quite frankly I do enjoy attention. I'm sure it would be better to talk, but lately I just feel like if no one wants to hear it, that's cool. I mean, yeah, I have friends who'd care to hear about my burdons but, why trouble them? I'm being totally contradictory to the person I was in the past, but I just don't feel like it's a big deal anymore. I just don't want to break down over every simple thing. I just feel like I care way to much about people who don't give a 'jit' about me. I'm just not going to deal with that anymore.

"So you want me to tell you something about myself? I don't have anything to say. Even if I did you'd be wrong to believe me. Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows any more."

- Nathan Scott

Anyways, I don't want to talk about it. Writing in a blog and a works document are two completely different things, I'm still not very real writing in a blog. So, I've come to the conclusion this is pretty pointless. Maybe I'm PMSing or maybe I really am just angry today. I'm actually very angry cause I don't know how to do Hope freakin' online, and I have so much homework and I don't know what I'm going to wear this week and I think I have a cold and I don't want swine flu and you know, I used to be a REALLY big fan of friendship. Friends were VERY important to me, everything about them, ya know? I loved having friends, I always wanted a good friend, a best friend, I always wanted to be the good friend someone would come to if they needed me. I've come to the conclusion I DON'T CARE. No one needs me as a friend, friends I've had for years don't seem to care. Okay, Okay, I'm being very selective here. I do have some who care, but assume we're excluding them. Does anyone on a deep, real level actually care anymore!? I'm quite convinced they don't? Arn't most things we do as humans selfish anyways? Do we even care about the people around us? Even me, sometimes I just I don't care that much, I matter more then others around me. You would think though, if you cared about someone as much as I've cared about people, you would want NOT to hurt them. Nope, apparently not. People are jerks. I've come to the conclusion.

"People are going to disappoint you. I get that.I kind of expect that. But i don’t know; what if you wake up one day and realize that you are the disappointment?"

-Peyton Sawyer

Well, maybe this is me letting it out. I really never know until a few days later, what I am feeling. Anyways. Kids keep surrounding me and I feel as though they are looking over my shoulder, and I can't write with that. This clearly wasn't a very profound post, it was spur of the moment and what came out of it, I don't really control that, or maybe I do. Things really arn't to bad in my life, haha, I was told I'm over dramatic today, THANKS STEPH. That, however, was only about the swine flu. On a GREAT note I got a new scent today! If you think I smell Very Sexy... I've got my reasoning. HAHA. Actually today I was drowning my oh so many sorrows in shopping. I don't remember what my sorrows were, oh! Probably that all my TV shows are going straight to Hell! Jayyykayyy, but really. Oh, I'm just frustrated.

I should probably quit ranting, but that would mean me moving on to doing homework, and I'm afraid that once I stop writing, my point of veiw will change on life, and then this post will be worth nothing, because I'm actually gunna go hang out with some pretty neat kids and do homework. Or as I would say, a fun fest. I've got a 4-day week of school to look forward too! Wednesday I get to see Mrs. Beckett & Steph! Then this weekend, RTU, hopefully that will be... good. Hopefully Steph will go, because if she dosn't I'll probably have to bring a shotgun with me....

Alright. Time to buckle down and get to work. Ha, I'm really funny guys. Kate Voegele is my new fav! Oh, and Lizzie McGuire is coming back on Disney Channel FULL TIME, WHAT UP.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9Lf0gFQqqo

Watch that, you will honestly laugh.

I can't let you bring me down anymore.

Peace, have a good week. <3

Hear Me Now,

You will never be alone.

The sky stayed closed around dusk, with cracks through the clouds like on an old sidewalk. The sun scorched across the bottom of the clouds making them pink, leaving the clouds above them looking mean with torturous blues and grays. Those mean clouds had been like that all day, making the world seem like a dreary place to be. As the sun hurriedly creped underneath them though, at the end of a long day, our past seemed to matter.
It was as though the time we spent apart was not even a day, and that we could go back in a brisk moment of remembrance. The sun trickled down through the clouds onto the water, and into our eyes making tears fall slowly. Our time together meant something, and our time together is now. Nothing here has neared its end, if anything, things are just beginning for the two of us.

Today I hung out with a bunch of kids again, so smiles were abundant. Mostly, I hung out with Zukie and my best childhood friend, Kelly. We road down to Crystal Beach and remembered for a little bit. We watched these two kids climb a tree we used to climb, and it looks so small now, we couldn’t help but laugh. Kelly has and always will be one of my closest friends, how can she not be? She knows who I am, what I’m proud of and what I’m not so proud of, most of all we have that mutual understanding towards each other. I’m not talking to her to prove a point, but just to talk to her. We listen to each other like we actually care about what the other person is saying. I don’t think there’s any other friends like the ones you grow up with, and who stick with you.
School has gotten harder this week, and the Devil has been invading my life like there’s no tomorrow! Jerk. I really need to get a few things right with God, we have quite a messy relationship right now, and it’s all on my part, I accept that much. I know God doesn’t tempt, but the Devil is really, very good at it. I’ve decided I’m going to start watching what I eat and exercising. Zukie and I have a mutual fear of getting fat, haha. Tomorrow is the long awaited and dreaded picture day!
This weekend I am hoping for a good weekend. I get to hang out with Dimitra tomorrow, Jasmin Saturday, and Stephanie possibly Sunday. I am amped, because I miss them all so much. It will be good to talk with Deedee, laugh with Jasmin, and hear Stephanie. I think the rest of this year is going to be eventful. Literally, straight up full of events. I’m really excited for the girls Chrysalis flight and also Fall Retreat to Warren W. Willis! I am completely thrilled.

I've really got to get to bed though. I'm so soar from bike riding on Kellys bike, hardest thing ever! Mile run this weekend! Woohoo for not BS-ing Hope online, because that would just be wrong, right? RIGHT. You want to know what else is wrong? Stella sleeping with some lab-rat when she should clearly be in bed with Mac Taylor! Goodness, goodness. Good thing Jordan covered for me with my tearing up story over that. Haha, I love her! Anyways, goodnight week 2 of junior year. :D

"My hearts like an open book for the whole world to read. Sometimes nothing, it keeps me together at the seames."

- Home Sweet Home, Carrie Underwood

PS, today I ate / DOMINATED my first Big Mac! :D

Don't Forget

This, this right here is my man.

Demi Lovato would be very disappointed in me right now. For today, I remembered a lot of things that should have never been forgotten. I forgot how much I love just being outside. I forgot how much I love to hear the laughter of children. I forgot how simply beauty can be revealed. I forgot how much I love being the "older sister" to more then just one brother. I forgot how good it feels to forget about all your troubles, and the nonsense in the world and just hang around. I forgot how bright the sun can shine, and how much I can actually enjoy it. Most importantly, I forgot how good it feels to have a soccer ball between my feet. Consequently, I forgot how much of a headache physical activity brings me. Ha, I always forget these simple things, however, it makes it all the more refreshing every time I get to take part in them.

"How are you doing today?" I said politely to him.
"Ah, normal day in the life as an adult." he paused for a minute, and looked me dead in the eye, and glanced at my brother in what seemed to be almost admiration, "I wish I could be a kid again."

Ha, I like to think I’m writing a book, but really I’m just blogging. That was just me talking to some Subway guy. I almost wanted to agree with him, until I remembered that I still am a kid. This whole thinking about college thing, and what I want to do with my life sometimes confuses that. Every time that I hang out with my little brother and neighbors, I say, ‘this is probably the last time I’ll get to do things like this’. I don’t know why I say this, because I’m clearly wrong, but my mind is still indecisive about what’s going on. The reassurance that I still have time in my life, doesn’t stop the pouring in of inconclusive thoughts about my future. I’ve never had something that literally causes me to constantly sit up at night and wonder. It shouldn’t be this big of a deal, should it? To me it is. I have some people who believe in me, believe that I can do great things, and I’m unbelievably thankful for them. There are some people who bring me back to reality, and I have to be thankful for them as well. I guess there’s a point when it’s just about me, what I want to do, and in reality what I CAN do. Also, hopefully, what I do decide to do I will be able to glorify God in some way.

‘And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.’
-Breathe, Taylor Swift

Speaking of God, today was the last youth Sunday, EVER. I’m upset over this because I really like talking to the older people and see them smile at me. Most of all, I like being able to smile at them. Scratch that, it sounds weird. Haha, the point is I really enjoy being able to be a part of the church and I feel more like I am when we have youth Sundays. I also like being able to tell them what we are doing, and thank them because most of the time without them we wouldn’t be able to do it. Point is, it was a good way to start my day. I love youth Sundays. <3

I was going to write something else that was potentially spectacular, but I forgot. I’m very forgetful these days. Tomorrow’s the beginning of another week of school. I’m actually excited, I know things are only going to get harder, but I think I’m ready for the challenge. Remember those people who believe in me? They tend to get me through it, also the ones who don’t know a thing about me. I draw courage from what I need to. This week I start Hope online, I have my first Analysis of Functions quiz, and my first Chemistry lab. It’s going to be a solid week. September is actually going to be a solid month, from what I can tell. One Tree Hill season seven starts, CSI:NY season six starts, and Rock the Universe. Score. I’m also going to read Dear John, by Nicholas Sparks. Only cause one of my favorite quotes on earth is in it, oh and Selena Gomez recommended it, HA. Really though, Nicholas gets it done. Nights in Rodanthe, that was the business. I won’t even start babbling about my ‘nights in Rodanthe’, or an hour south of there. Well, I have to wake up super early to be at school by 6:30 to make up a test. Hopefully this post wasn’t to much of a ramble. My minds kind of confused right now, so please, excuse me.

'I''ll be alone but maybe more carefree, like a kite that floats so effortlessly. I was afraid to be alone, now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be. All these faces none the same..'

-November, Azure Ray

Good song, you should consider listening to it.

Anywho, goodnight, week of new beginings.

<3

I think you need to stop following miserys lead, shine away.

'maybe god can be on both sides of the gun

never understood why, some of us

never cared it's so good, so good'

Yesturday I was reading through things I wrote more towards the begining of the summer, and it's just so intresting to read that. I was so happy, and what I wrote about camp just about broke my heart, haha. Ahww, good summer. :) I kind of want to post some of that writing on here, but it just doesn't feel in the moment enough, I don't know. I just, you know, over and over I say I want to write something amazing, I never feel like I can though. Even when I write on here, if more people were to know about this, I just feel like it would lose all meaning.

'...They give me hope. And, I'm afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it'll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame. Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything's going to be okay and that there's going to be someone there to help make sure of that. ' - Brooke Davis

So, I'm an offical upperclassmen as of yesturday. Yes, I am now a Junior, although, I really don't see the big deal. I mean, I see some small deals, but I just don't see the big deal. The only thing I think cool about being a Junior, is I'm now the girl I looked up to for all those years, "the older one". The one who knows what's up. Anyways, I don't really care that I'm a Junior, except for the fact that I can call Jasmin a freshmen. Getting to the point, I'm really quite fond of this school year. Yes, I do realize I've only made it through two days and have one hundred and seventy eight to go, and only twelve days to miss. I think I can do it. I've got really great classes, almost all of which with friends. The work is going to probably get pretty intense, but I'm working my butt off for bright futures this year, and hopefully something good will come out of that.

"April, do you care about the way you look?" - Mrs. Dragoutsis
"Uhm... I guess so." - Me
"Girrrrllll, you know you do!" - Random girl in my class

After school today, considering I get out at twelve on wednesdays, I hit up Clearwater Fundamental with Steph and helped out in the library, who knew that could be such a fun festable. I might even get a vollunteer badge, depending on how early I can make it up to the school Friday afternoon for pictures, I'm very excited.

I also went to youth group today, which was suprisingly... very grand. I guess I just missed having a good time there. Just... laughing, you know? Feeling the laughter and smiles radiating off of others. We just... played the stupidest games in reality but my goodness, it was just great. It's also very funny the fact that Jasmin & I's trigger in "the trigger game" was both about eachother, HAHA, I love her a lot! Then we worshiped, and, I'm.. weirdly just a big fan of looking at other people when they worship, because you just don't know what they're thinking but... you know that joyous and peaceful feeling that must be erupting in there hearts at that moment... I love knowing other people are feeling that, it's reassring... it gives me hope. I dont' know, the way we looked tonight was different then I've ever witnessed it. We all just seemed to be... standing somewhat forward, anxious for something to happen, waiting for this big wave of greatness to wash over us and cleanse us. Then again, maybe that's just what I was waiting for. It's always, always, always worth the weight. It was a fun night, I'm glad these nights are back for me. I'm also glad, that today was just GOOD, cause when have you ever heared me say I've had a good day on a school day? It's just rare.

' Do you ever wonder where you'd be if in some critical moment your friends just weren't there for you? ' - One Tree Hill

I think the weird thing about today is that I had such a good day at school. (I really enjoy repeating myself over and over again). My point is, I had fun with a bunch of friends who hardly know me, and I hardly know them. Then, when it comes time for my real friends, the ones who I'm very close to and have been through and loads of things together... I just feel, like they don't care so much about me. Not all of them, that would be completely wrong, just some of them always seem distracted or like something else is more important. It could be all in my head, then again, my head's on pretty straight, I'm convinced. I just feel distant from people I once felt so close to... as in, this summer. People from this summer seem easy to laugh with, but when it comes down to me wanting to share something, hell nope. It's probably not as bad as I make it out to be. Then again, keeping everything inside when I just want someone to listen... isn't always the best solution. I keep saying, 'I'll deal', whens that moment going to come when I just can't anymore? I know that feeling... it's not a good one. I just... sometimes, I'm sure I have the opportunity to talk, it's just, I don't want to dominate the conversation, and make it all about me, but I don't want someone else always twisting my conversation to something about them... it just... hurts once you start to notice it. Hmm... 'I'll deal.' Right?

' there are times when the poets and pornstars align and you won`t know who to believe in '

Anyways, you know that friend I said I ran into the other day, but it wasn't really a run in because I knew they was going to be there, and I said I didn't really miss them, it was just made up in my mind that I do. That's probably (I use the term 'probably' very, very loosely) a lie. I don't know, I'm just up and down with that situation, I should probably just put it in the past and keep it there. I should also try to forgive a certain someone living under this roof. No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I pray about it, no matter how many times I give it up to God, it just does not work. I'm convinced I can never forgive that person, and that's scary, because what Neil said is right, 'you know unforgiveness destroys your life'. I know that, I realize that, yet I still can't forgive them. I just can't do it. I should go read now, but I think I'm going to go eat and then pass out, I just really wanted to write. I always really want to write, most the time I usually just don't think anythings very worthy of it, because 'who really cares'.

On a happy note to end this, however, I will just mention one thing that has made me very happy lately, my little brother. He's just, growing up, so he's kind of more of a friend now. Yes, he's still my dorky, little brother but I love him all the same. It's just cooler now because I can have legit conversaions with him and hang out and laugh at the same things. I always just want to help him though... just be his big sister. I guess I can only be what he needs me to be, I guess the same thing applys in any and every situation. Which I admit to being way to pushy in my past, and I've realized that does not work. You have to float other peoples boats, not only yours. That's... my new motto. Haha, righttttt.

Goodnight, world.

P.S. Got enough quotes!? :)

NERD. =X

Today's a different day then yesturday.

Things have changed a lot this summer, I have changed a lot this summer. I've had relationships that wavered and I've had opinions that have altered. Through it all however, one thing has remained burried, yet it didn't change once, even if I forgot about it.

I forgot how much I love the One that gave me life. I'm scared sometimes, I forget sometimes, and sometimes I even doubt. I know I sin, and I know I'm nothing, and I know that I'm not the one who can make this work... He is. I'm not saying, things are perfect between Him and I right now, but hopefully I'm are on my way to something better with Him. There are things I need to quit doing, sins i need to quit commiting, and things I should really give less attention to, and instead, give it to Him.

It's easier to write this all down. It's easier then doing it, then picking up a bible, then singing songs of praise, then being downright joyful all the time. So what made these calm feelings overcome my heart, why now? Him. Ha, I can not explain his mysterious ways, nor will I try now to understand them. Lessons lately though, have been sticking out to me like they hadn't before. Sure, I don't always want to serve like I used to, [I don't think I'll ever be the same Christian I was before] but I think that's OK.

' It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. '

- Romans 9:16

I think that I used to think that I was this perfect Christian girl, I mean, I knew I had my sins, but they were never "the worst", you know? I think that right now me coming to terms with this [even though I havn't completely accepted it yet] helps. I'm not saying, automatically go back into Christian routine... I think it just takes time. I know, however, that I need to start making myself, because if I don't... you know, sometimes just being there is enough. I'm going to stop ranting about what I need to do, because, I know what I need to do. It's just a lot harder to realise when I'm all snuggled up in my bed with my DVD sets, or even my laptop. The point of this blog in the first place was to talk about how good God was to me today.

Today I took communion for the first time since camp. It felt so good, it felt good to feel God again, it was good to have that simple reminder of His love for me and my love for Him. It's surely been feeling good to talk to Him the past few days. It feels great to smile a real, guenuine smile. Everything... I don't know. I'm just done with this hurt. I'm done with the pain being afraid is causing me. To tell you the truth, I think I'll always be afraid, just in general. Maybe, that's just me. Anyway, communion today was glorious.

I also saw an old friend. Honestly, just a lot of thoughts have just been running through my head lately. I don't even know how to write something specific without drifting into all of this confusion.

" You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it. "

- Haley James Scott

Anyway, everything I've typed has nothing to do with what I wanted to say. One Tree Hill watching always makes me think... a lot. Lately I've been doing much thinking about what I want to do with my future. Now, I never wanted to do anything with soccer for my future, but I wouldn't have minded playing a few more years. Since that's kind of out of the picture, I've just been doing more thinking about what to do with myself. I really like to write. I really enjoy it... and I think I could make something out of it, and even if I couldn't, maybe I could go all Lyndsey and be an editor. You know, read other peoples manuscripts, have there book published and watch there dreams come true. [Secret: I love watching people have there dreams come true, that fills my heart with a lot of indisribable joy.] That could be enough for me. Although, I havn't done much reserach on this, so I really don't know much about what editors even do, but based on a fictional show... the job looks apealing. I don't know, I don't know why thoughts about my future keep consuming me, should they be? Who knows, the point is, I'd love to do something great. Then again, who doesn't. I kind of just want to 'remind someone of the magic in the world.' Hmmm, haha, now I'm just trying way to hard to be Mark Schwan. Whatever. ;)

"I'm not Dr. Suess, Stephanie!" - April

"Yeah, but you could be." - Steph

Even if someone shows the smallest bit of belief or confidence in me, I guess I need it. Don't even get me started on my Chrysalis letters, ha. I'm glad this was just basically me ranting. Hmm. So I said I ran into an old friend today? Okay I didn't really run into her, I knew she was going to be where I was. Anyways, I just think it's very odd. That I make this big deal of missing her, but my heart dosn't really even feel like that, my hearts not sad about it anymore. I just... something in me keeps holding on. I don't know, I'm a girl with a neverending supply of hope, even if it's the tinyest spec of it.

" There were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart, that someday it would return to him. And his world would be whole again. And his belief in god and love and art would be reawakened in his heart. " - Lucas Scott

P.S. Expect a breif explanation of the highlights of my summer update, maybe? I don't know if I'll post it, I've just been writing it, cause, well... I had a good summer. Haha. :) Anywho, I've got to get back to Tom Sawyer.

Soccer.

I can't sit here and tell you how much I love this game. How when I walk out onto an empty soccer feild alone, with the sun still up, making the grass shine brighter then it ever could with morning dew on it. With the sky still blue as it can be with no clouds to add any gloom to the perfect picture moment. When the lights stand taller than any other thing around with the exception of a few silhouette tree tops lying in the suns path. When the birds are still chirping, taking away any other sound that may erupt inthe distance. That's a moment where I feel as if I'm about to take on the world.

Now, while I understand you may not be able to comprehend this moment of pure beauty and greatness, that's cool. It's just, soccer's my thing, and that is just simply put a wondrous moment for me. I could name a million just about soccer. Like the feeling you get when you take off your socks and shin guards after an intence match in a far away town, and the wind seems to take over your damp shins making everything seem okay. I won't talk about the smell, however...

But arn't smells wonderful? Having the ability to smell a scent so great (or not so great) that lets you reminisce on a grand time in your life. Like the smell of an old high school summer camp, your childhood bestfriends house, fresh and crisp mountain air, chlorine in your hair, the dentist office sent, whatever it may be that reminds you of a time where your life was marked, where you felt alive. The best part is you don't have to be in the location to smell it. They sometimes just come in random whiffs of air, whether your laying back on your grandparents hammock with a fresh glass of ice water in retro spect, or just having an outing and that essence of a time stolen from you in the form of a smell comes up.

Taking a trip down memory lane is one of my favorite things to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about living in the moment, but with some of my past years holding such rich, cherrishable memories, how could i dare to forget them?

So, I mean... I wrote that a long time ago. Probably last March or something. The point is, I just got invited to a friendly soccer game up at my favorite feild on the plannet, and my heart wants nothing more then to be there with the ball between my feet. Is this weird... to love a game this much? Because sometimes I feel like no one knows what I'm talking about. You know, the headaches I get from this game are pretty bad. Maybe I just forget about the pain sometimes... but I think I could deal with them. I really do, or maybe not. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be playing this game. Maybe it's just something I love that I should only do from time to time. I don't know, but this is weighing on my heart. I love this game.

Now, I wrote the paragraph above this... yesturday. The day before I had one of the worse migranes of my entire life. I think it's funny how I can't really remember pain... I mean, I'm unbelievable thankful, but maybe I wouldn't want to keep trying to play soccer again if I would just remember how much pain I'm really feeling from it. I don't think I'm going to play this season, it breaks my heart, but I can deal. I still will get to practice with my little bro and go watch his games, and of course my neighbors games. That fills my heart with so much joy.

I guess I'll go to bed now, I have much rampaging to do, you know. I just, need to sleep for now. There's rampaging to come though, so don't worry. Goodnight. Also, I'm almost positive a lot of spelling / grammer in this post is wrong... Criticism is always welcomed.

Here We Go Again...

I am what you see

I am not what they say

but if i turned out to be

could you love me anyway?

"Tell me why I even try," she thinks to herself behind her blue eyes that always seem to give away the exact emotion effecting the feel of her heart. She’s already pushed everyone far enough away to the point that they won’t accept her back the same way, except for the few who don‘t have a clue or just don‘t give a care about it… maybe because they don‘t really know as much as she once did. She thinks the others don’t see change well enough, or maybe she just can’t snap out of this easy lifestyle she’s living. Except it’s not easy, she’s hurt and broken behind all the laughter. She needs someone to reach in past the color she thinks she’s radiating off, and pull her out of the grey she’s currently resigning in. She’s passed by all her chances of hope, she has to do it all alone. Everything that used to mean something seems so far off, she doesn’t want to go back, but moving forward is a complicated web that she’d have to unweave…. And without help she’s getting nowhere. She can’t tear down the pride she doesn’t think she has any of.

You don't know how desperate I've become

And It looks like I'm loosing' this fight

But it's my heart that's breakin'

down this long dusty road of mine

I need to take a long cruise and listen to a song that gets your mind to think about all aspects of your life. What I need even more is to get back with God, as hard as that is for me to admit and even harder for me to come to terms with, considering I haven’t yet. I can’t believe I pushed away the beautiful gift of a friend I had. I just don’t know how willing they would be to accept this mess back into there life’s. I just don’t see how everyone else seems to be living the life I want to. I feel like I’m losing, when I really sit down and just think about it. I want things to get better, I do, it just seems like that is so hard and would take way to much unforgivable forgiveness. It’s just that there are so many emotions running through my heart. Half the time I can’t feel the pain because I’ve been going non-stop with friends, and filling the gap with things that just should NOT, completely not overtake my life the way they are… but to get back is just, it’s just a lot harder… "you’ve got to make yourself." Is life pathetic when the only person you can relate to anymore is a twenty-seven year old man? Or when you’re hearing God speak to you through a Demi Lovato song? Because I’m not quite sure anymore.

You might feel like your drowning

And thats what I need to let go

Tell me what you've got to break down the walls

You just might need dynamite

Well, there you have it. My first "real" post. One well edited peice of writing and another rampage, accompanied by the well writen lyrics of two completly different and amazingly talented people. This is my last bit of alone time for the next couple of days I'm guessing, but I think I'm going to start working on changing myself again, because I'm sick of the girl I've become... she doesn't care anymore, and I sure as hell do. I might be lazy and unwilling, but I'll get there somehow. It's good to get this off my chest, and not just in Microsoft Word, but somewhere where someone may read it. I think I'm going to go cruising tonight with a slurpee and a good friend, with the company of The Fray. Sounds like a plan to me.

I'll definatly use this, right? (:

Hopefully so.

Okay, so the only reason I made this (or paula) is because I need to be abe to write and have people read it and not be afraid, because if I want to do anything in my life that involves writing, chances are I do, people are at some point going to have to read it. So this is either some big challenge, or I just like to glorify myself a whole lot. Either way, I'm quite convinced it dosen't matter all to much at the moment. Ha, anywho, I'm not in the mood to write now, hopefully I will be in the near future.

<3