Mmmmm.

I have to write it out, because I'm hurt and I'm already missing where I was. I need someone to convince me that things are better now. I just keep seeing the beauty in how things were then...

New Years Eve 2008:
Beauty was hidden beneath our faces, underneath our tears, and it was like everything stood still. It seemed as though everything came out, and although that is unrealistic, what was on our hearts that night was shared among each other. Our stories were out, in a candlelit gym, with mirrored walls, and a roll of toilet paper being passed around. When it was all done, we continued sharing our tears in communion and hugs all around. We were supposed to go to a rollerskating party, but we stayed in. We stayed in Golds Gym for the rest of the night, except when we went outside with sparklers and to the fountain that had been filled with soap. We were at peace.


New Years Eve 2009:
We had gotten Bojangles & Cheerwine that day, and the rest was spent in Lake J, and maybe it wasn't as sentimental as the year before, but we were together and that is all that mattered. We took pictures in front of the cross, like usual. We searched for somewhere to eat, there were about eleven of us in one car. We went out to eat at Buddy's BBQ, Steph & Neil filmed their "broadcast". It was fun to be together. We gave the man a big tip, and he thanked us and told us about how this must be a sign from God. It was freezing out. Literally. We spent it in the same church we had visited last year, our group being the most boisterous group there. The new year came in and we did our dance. The bad memories from that trip fade out when I look upon this day.

I know that bringing in the New Year should be looked upon with hope and joy, but it's harder this year for some reason. I don't know what I need to get through tomorrow, it shouldn't be this hard. I don't even know why it is hard, it was just easier with them, it's just going to be different. I guess I need to accept it, and look upon the new year in a brighter way.
I do admit to missing the way things used to be, but a lot of the time I was hurting, so I don't remember why I am holding onto it so much. It's just easier knowing I had something stable to hold onto.


"and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff."

That's been my motto lately.
Send me a prayer.
Happy New Year.