Sunday, August 30, 2009

Don't Forget

This, this right here is my man.

Demi Lovato would be very disappointed in me right now. For today, I remembered a lot of things that should have never been forgotten. I forgot how much I love just being outside. I forgot how much I love to hear the laughter of children. I forgot how simply beauty can be revealed. I forgot how much I love being the "older sister" to more then just one brother. I forgot how good it feels to forget about all your troubles, and the nonsense in the world and just hang around. I forgot how bright the sun can shine, and how much I can actually enjoy it. Most importantly, I forgot how good it feels to have a soccer ball between my feet. Consequently, I forgot how much of a headache physical activity brings me. Ha, I always forget these simple things, however, it makes it all the more refreshing every time I get to take part in them.

"How are you doing today?" I said politely to him.
"Ah, normal day in the life as an adult." he paused for a minute, and looked me dead in the eye, and glanced at my brother in what seemed to be almost admiration,
"I wish I could be a kid again."

Ha, I like to think I’m writing a book, but really I’m just blogging. That was just me talking to some Subway guy. I almost wanted to agree with him, until I remembered that I still am a kid. This whole thinking about college thing, and what I want to do with my life sometimes confuses that. Every time that I hang out with my little brother and neighbors, I say, ‘this is probably the last time I’ll get to do things like this’. I don’t know why I say this, because I’m clearly wrong, but my mind is still indecisive about what’s going on. The reassurance that I still have time in my life, doesn’t stop the pouring in of inconclusive thoughts about my future. I’ve never had something that literally causes me to constantly sit up at night and wonder. It shouldn’t be this big of a deal, should it? To me it is. I have some people who believe in me, believe that I can do great things, and I’m unbelievably thankful for them. There are some people who bring me back to reality, and I have to be thankful for them as well. I guess there’s a point when it’s just about me, what I want to do, and in reality what I CAN do. Also, hopefully, what I do decide to do I will be able to glorify God in some way.

‘And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.’
-Breathe, Taylor Swift

Speaking of God, today was the last youth Sunday, EVER. I’m upset over this because I really like talking to the older people and see them smile at me. Most of all, I like being able to smile at them. Scratch that, it sounds weird. Haha, the point is I really enjoy being able to be a part of the church and I feel more like I am when we have youth Sundays. I also like being able to tell them what we are doing, and thank them because most of the time without them we wouldn’t be able to do it. Point is, it was a good way to start my day. I love youth Sundays. <3
I was going to write something else that was potentially spectacular, but I forgot. I’m very forgetful these days. Tomorrow’s the beginning of another week of school. I’m actually excited, I know things are only going to get harder, but I think I’m ready for the challenge. Remember those people who believe in me? They tend to get me through it, also the ones who don’t know a thing about me. I draw courage from what I need to. This week I start Hope online, I have my first Analysis of Functions quiz, and my first Chemistry lab. It’s going to be a solid week. September is actually going to be a solid month, from what I can tell. One Tree Hill season seven starts, CSI:NY season six starts, and Rock the Universe. Score. I’m also going to read Dear John, by Nicholas Sparks. Only cause one of my favorite quotes on earth is in it, oh and Selena Gomez recommended it, HA. Really though, Nicholas gets it done. Nights in Rodanthe, that was the business. I won’t even start babbling about my ‘nights in Rodanthe’, or an hour south of there. Well, I have to wake up super early to be at school by 6:30 to make up a test. Hopefully this post wasn’t to much of a ramble. My minds kind of confused right now, so please, excuse me.

'I''ll be alone but maybe more carefree, like a kite that floats so effortlessly. I was afraid to be alone, now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be. All these faces none the same..'
-November, Azure Ray

Good song, you should consider listening to it.

Anywho, goodnight, week of new beginings.


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I think you need to stop following miserys lead, shine away.

'maybe god can be on both sides of the gun
never understood why, some of us
never cared it's so good, so good'

Yesturday I was reading through things I wrote more towards the begining of the summer, and it's just so intresting to read that. I was so happy, and what I wrote about camp just about broke my heart, haha. Ahww, good summer. :) I kind of want to post some of that writing on here, but it just doesn't feel in the moment enough, I don't know. I just, you know, over and over I say I want to write something amazing, I never feel like I can though. Even when I write on here, if more people were to know about this, I just feel like it would lose all meaning.

'...They give me hope. And, I'm afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it'll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame. Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything's going to be okay and that there's going to be someone there to help make sure of that. ' - Brooke Davis

So, I'm an offical upperclassmen as of yesturday. Yes, I am now a Junior, although, I really don't see the big deal. I mean, I see some small deals, but I just don't see the big deal. The only thing I think cool about being a Junior, is I'm now the girl I looked up to for all those years, "the older one". The one who knows what's up. Anyways, I don't really care that I'm a Junior, except for the fact that I can call Jasmin a freshmen. Getting to the point, I'm really quite fond of this school year. Yes, I do realize I've only made it through two days and have one hundred and seventy eight to go, and only twelve days to miss. I think I can do it. I've got really great classes, almost all of which with friends. The work is going to probably get pretty intense, but I'm working my butt off for bright futures this year, and hopefully something good will come out of that.

"April, do you care about the way you look?" - Mrs. Dragoutsis
"Uhm... I guess so." - Me
"Girrrrllll, you know you do!" - Random girl in my class

After school today, considering I get out at twelve on wednesdays, I hit up Clearwater Fundamental with Steph and helped out in the library, who knew that could be such a fun festable. I might even get a vollunteer badge, depending on how early I can make it up to the school Friday afternoon for pictures, I'm very excited.

I also went to youth group today, which was suprisingly... very grand. I guess I just missed having a good time there. Just... laughing, you know? Feeling the laughter and smiles radiating off of others. We just... played the stupidest games in reality but my goodness, it was just great. It's also very funny the fact that Jasmin & I's trigger in "the trigger game" was both about eachother, HAHA, I love her a lot! Then we worshiped, and, I'm.. weirdly just a big fan of looking at other people when they worship, because you just don't know what they're thinking but... you know that joyous and peaceful feeling that must be erupting in there hearts at that moment... I love knowing other people are feeling that, it's reassring... it gives me hope. I dont' know, the way we looked tonight was different then I've ever witnessed it. We all just seemed to be... standing somewhat forward, anxious for something to happen, waiting for this big wave of greatness to wash over us and cleanse us. Then again, maybe that's just what I was waiting for. It's always, always, always worth the weight. It was a fun night, I'm glad these nights are back for me. I'm also glad, that today was just GOOD, cause when have you ever heared me say I've had a good day on a school day? It's just rare.

' Do you ever wonder where you'd be if in some critical moment your friends just weren't there for you? ' - One Tree Hill

I think the weird thing about today is that I had such a good day at school. (I really enjoy repeating myself over and over again). My point is, I had fun with a bunch of friends who hardly know me, and I hardly know them. Then, when it comes time for my real friends, the ones who I'm very close to and have been through and loads of things together... I just feel, like they don't care so much about me. Not all of them, that would be completely wrong, just some of them always seem distracted or like something else is more important. It could be all in my head, then again, my head's on pretty straight, I'm convinced. I just feel distant from people I once felt so close to... as in, this summer. People from this summer seem easy to laugh with, but when it comes down to me wanting to share something, hell nope. It's probably not as bad as I make it out to be. Then again, keeping everything inside when I just want someone to listen... isn't always the best solution. I keep saying, 'I'll deal', whens that moment going to come when I just can't anymore? I know that feeling... it's not a good one. I just... sometimes, I'm sure I have the opportunity to talk, it's just, I don't want to dominate the conversation, and make it all about me, but I don't want someone else always twisting my conversation to something about them... it just... hurts once you start to notice it. Hmm... 'I'll deal.' Right?

' there are times when the poets and pornstars align and you won`t know who to believe in '

Anyways, you know that friend I said I ran into the other day, but it wasn't really a run in because I knew they was going to be there, and I said I didn't really miss them, it was just made up in my mind that I do. That's probably (I use the term 'probably' very, very loosely) a lie. I don't know, I'm just up and down with that situation, I should probably just put it in the past and keep it there. I should also try to forgive a certain someone living under this roof. No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I pray about it, no matter how many times I give it up to God, it just does not work. I'm convinced I can never forgive that person, and that's scary, because what Neil said is right, 'you know unforgiveness destroys your life'. I know that, I realize that, yet I still can't forgive them. I just can't do it. I should go read now, but I think I'm going to go eat and then pass out, I just really wanted to write. I always really want to write, most the time I usually just don't think anythings very worthy of it, because 'who really cares'.

On a happy note to end this, however, I will just mention one thing that has made me very happy lately, my little brother. He's just, growing up, so he's kind of more of a friend now. Yes, he's still my dorky, little brother but I love him all the same. It's just cooler now because I can have legit conversaions with him and hang out and laugh at the same things. I always just want to help him though... just be his big sister. I guess I can only be what he needs me to be, I guess the same thing applys in any and every situation. Which I admit to being way to pushy in my past, and I've realized that does not work. You have to float other peoples boats, not only yours. That's... my new motto. Haha, righttttt.

Goodnight, world.
P.S. Got enough quotes!? :)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Today's a different day then yesturday.

Things have changed a lot this summer, I have changed a lot this summer. I've had relationships that wavered and I've had opinions that have altered. Through it all however, one thing has remained burried, yet it didn't change once, even if I forgot about it.

I forgot how much I love the One that gave me life. I'm scared sometimes, I forget sometimes, and sometimes I even doubt. I know I sin, and I know I'm nothing, and I know that I'm not the one who can make this work... He is. I'm not saying, things are perfect between Him and I right now, but hopefully I'm are on my way to something better with Him. There are things I need to quit doing, sins i need to quit commiting, and things I should really give less attention to, and instead, give it to Him.

It's easier to write this all down. It's easier then doing it, then picking up a bible, then singing songs of praise, then being downright joyful all the time. So what made these calm feelings overcome my heart, why now? Him. Ha, I can not explain his mysterious ways, nor will I try now to understand them. Lessons lately though, have been sticking out to me like they hadn't before. Sure, I don't always want to serve like I used to, [I don't think I'll ever be the same Christian I was before] but I think that's OK.

' It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. '
- Romans 9:16

I think that I used to think that I was this perfect Christian girl, I mean, I knew I had my sins, but they were never "the worst", you know? I think that right now me coming to terms with this [even though I havn't completely accepted it yet] helps. I'm not saying, automatically go back into Christian routine... I think it just takes time. I know, however, that I need to start making myself, because if I don't... you know, sometimes just being there is enough. I'm going to stop ranting about what I need to do, because, I know what I need to do. It's just a lot harder to realise when I'm all snuggled up in my bed with my DVD sets, or even my laptop. The point of this blog in the first place was to talk about how good God was to me today.

Today I took communion for the first time since camp. It felt so good, it felt good to feel God again, it was good to have that simple reminder of His love for me and my love for Him. It's surely been feeling good to talk to Him the past few days. It feels great to smile a real, guenuine smile. Everything... I don't know. I'm just done with this hurt. I'm done with the pain being afraid is causing me. To tell you the truth, I think I'll always be afraid, just in general. Maybe, that's just me. Anyway, communion today was glorious.
I also saw an old friend. Honestly, just a lot of thoughts have just been running through my head lately. I don't even know how to write something specific without drifting into all of this confusion.

" You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it. "
- Haley James Scott

Anyway, everything I've typed has nothing to do with what I wanted to say. One Tree Hill watching always makes me think... a lot. Lately I've been doing much thinking about what I want to do with my future. Now, I never wanted to do anything with soccer for my future, but I wouldn't have minded playing a few more years. Since that's kind of out of the picture, I've just been doing more thinking about what to do with myself. I really like to write. I really enjoy it... and I think I could make something out of it, and even if I couldn't, maybe I could go all Lyndsey and be an editor. You know, read other peoples manuscripts, have there book published and watch there dreams come true. [Secret: I love watching people have there dreams come true, that fills my heart with a lot of indisribable joy.] That could be enough for me. Although, I havn't done much reserach on this, so I really don't know much about what editors even do, but based on a fictional show... the job looks apealing. I don't know, I don't know why thoughts about my future keep consuming me, should they be? Who knows, the point is, I'd love to do something great. Then again, who doesn't. I kind of just want to 'remind someone of the magic in the world.' Hmmm, haha, now I'm just trying way to hard to be Mark Schwan. Whatever. ;)

"I'm not Dr. Suess, Stephanie!" - April
"Yeah, but you could be." - Steph

Even if someone shows the smallest bit of belief or confidence in me, I guess I need it. Don't even get me started on my Chrysalis letters, ha. I'm glad this was just basically me ranting. Hmm. So I said I ran into an old friend today? Okay I didn't really run into her, I knew she was going to be where I was. Anyways, I just think it's very odd. That I make this big deal of missing her, but my heart dosn't really even feel like that, my hearts not sad about it anymore. I just... something in me keeps holding on. I don't know, I'm a girl with a neverending supply of hope, even if it's the tinyest spec of it.

" There were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart, that someday it would return to him. And his world would be whole again. And his belief in god and love and art would be reawakened in his heart. " - Lucas Scott

P.S. Expect a breif explanation of the highlights of my summer update, maybe? I don't know if I'll post it, I've just been writing it, cause, well... I had a good summer. Haha. :) Anywho, I've got to get back to Tom Sawyer.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I can't sit here and tell you how much I love this game. How when I walk out onto an empty soccer feild alone, with the sun still up, making the grass shine brighter then it ever could with morning dew on it. With the sky still blue as it can be with no clouds to add any gloom to the perfect picture moment. When the lights stand taller than any other thing around with the exception of a few silhouette tree tops lying in the suns path. When the birds are still chirping, taking away any other sound that may erupt inthe distance. That's a moment where I feel as if I'm about to take on the world.
Now, while I understand you may not be able to comprehend this moment of pure beauty and greatness, that's cool. It's just, soccer's my thing, and that is just simply put a wondrous moment for me. I could name a million just about soccer. Like the feeling you get when you take off your socks and shin guards after an intence match in a far away town, and the wind seems to take over your damp shins making everything seem okay. I won't talk about the smell, however...
But arn't smells wonderful? Having the ability to smell a scent so great (or not so great) that lets you reminisce on a grand time in your life. Like the smell of an old high school summer camp, your childhood bestfriends house, fresh and crisp mountain air, chlorine in your hair, the dentist office sent, whatever it may be that reminds you of a time where your life was marked, where you felt alive. The best part is you don't have to be in the location to smell it. They sometimes just come in random whiffs of air, whether your laying back on your grandparents hammock with a fresh glass of ice water in retro spect, or just having an outing and that essence of a time stolen from you in the form of a smell comes up.
Taking a trip down memory lane is one of my favorite things to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about living in the moment, but with some of my past years holding such rich, cherrishable memories, how could i dare to forget them?

So, I mean... I wrote that a long time ago. Probably last March or something. The point is, I just got invited to a friendly soccer game up at my favorite feild on the plannet, and my heart wants nothing more then to be there with the ball between my feet. Is this weird... to love a game this much? Because sometimes I feel like no one knows what I'm talking about. You know, the headaches I get from this game are pretty bad. Maybe I just forget about the pain sometimes... but I think I could deal with them. I really do, or maybe not. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be playing this game. Maybe it's just something I love that I should only do from time to time. I don't know, but this is weighing on my heart. I love this game.

Now, I wrote the paragraph above this... yesturday. The day before I had one of the worse migranes of my entire life. I think it's funny how I can't really remember pain... I mean, I'm unbelievable thankful, but maybe I wouldn't want to keep trying to play soccer again if I would just remember how much pain I'm really feeling from it. I don't think I'm going to play this season, it breaks my heart, but I can deal. I still will get to practice with my little bro and go watch his games, and of course my neighbors games. That fills my heart with so much joy.

I guess I'll go to bed now, I have much rampaging to do, you know. I just, need to sleep for now. There's rampaging to come though, so don't worry. Goodnight. Also, I'm almost positive a lot of spelling / grammer in this post is wrong... Criticism is always welcomed.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Here We Go Again...

I am what you see
I am not what they say
but if i turned out to be
could you love me anyway?

"Tell me why I even try," she thinks to herself behind her blue eyes that always seem to give away the exact emotion effecting the feel of her heart. She’s already pushed everyone far enough away to the point that they won’t accept her back the same way, except for the few who don‘t have a clue or just don‘t give a care about it… maybe because they don‘t really know as much as she once did. She thinks the others don’t see change well enough, or maybe she just can’t snap out of this easy lifestyle she’s living. Except it’s not easy, she’s hurt and broken behind all the laughter. She needs someone to reach in past the color she thinks she’s radiating off, and pull her out of the grey she’s currently resigning in. She’s passed by all her chances of hope, she has to do it all alone. Everything that used to mean something seems so far off, she doesn’t want to go back, but moving forward is a complicated web that she’d have to unweave…. And without help she’s getting nowhere. She can’t tear down the pride she doesn’t think she has any of.

You don't know how desperate I've become
And It looks like I'm loosing' this fight
But it's my heart that's breakin'
down this long dusty road of mine
I need to take a long cruise and listen to a song that gets your mind to think about all aspects of your life. What I need even more is to get back with God, as hard as that is for me to admit and even harder for me to come to terms with, considering I haven’t yet. I can’t believe I pushed away the beautiful gift of a friend I had. I just don’t know how willing they would be to accept this mess back into there life’s. I just don’t see how everyone else seems to be living the life I want to. I feel like I’m losing, when I really sit down and just think about it. I want things to get better, I do, it just seems like that is so hard and would take way to much unforgivable forgiveness. It’s just that there are so many emotions running through my heart. Half the time I can’t feel the pain because I’ve been going non-stop with friends, and filling the gap with things that just should NOT, completely not overtake my life the way they are… but to get back is just, it’s just a lot harder… "you’ve got to make yourself." Is life pathetic when the only person you can relate to anymore is a twenty-seven year old man? Or when you’re hearing God speak to you through a Demi Lovato song? Because I’m not quite sure anymore.

You might feel like your drowning
And thats what I need to let go
Tell me what you've got to break down the walls
You just might need dynamite
Well, there you have it. My first "real" post. One well edited peice of writing and another rampage, accompanied by the well writen lyrics of two completly different and amazingly talented people. This is my last bit of alone time for the next couple of days I'm guessing, but I think I'm going to start working on changing myself again, because I'm sick of the girl I've become... she doesn't care anymore, and I sure as hell do. I might be lazy and unwilling, but I'll get there somehow. It's good to get this off my chest, and not just in Microsoft Word, but somewhere where someone may read it. I think I'm going to go cruising tonight with a slurpee and a good friend, with the company of The Fray. Sounds like a plan to me.

Monday, August 3, 2009

I'll definatly use this, right? (:

Hopefully so.

Okay, so the only reason I made this (or paula) is because I need to be abe to write and have people read it and not be afraid, because if I want to do anything in my life that involves writing, chances are I do, people are at some point going to have to read it. So this is either some big challenge, or I just like to glorify myself a whole lot. Either way, I'm quite convinced it dosen't matter all to much at the moment. Ha, anywho, I'm not in the mood to write now, hopefully I will be in the near future.