Here We Go Again...

I am what you see

I am not what they say

but if i turned out to be

could you love me anyway?

"Tell me why I even try," she thinks to herself behind her blue eyes that always seem to give away the exact emotion effecting the feel of her heart. She’s already pushed everyone far enough away to the point that they won’t accept her back the same way, except for the few who don‘t have a clue or just don‘t give a care about it… maybe because they don‘t really know as much as she once did. She thinks the others don’t see change well enough, or maybe she just can’t snap out of this easy lifestyle she’s living. Except it’s not easy, she’s hurt and broken behind all the laughter. She needs someone to reach in past the color she thinks she’s radiating off, and pull her out of the grey she’s currently resigning in. She’s passed by all her chances of hope, she has to do it all alone. Everything that used to mean something seems so far off, she doesn’t want to go back, but moving forward is a complicated web that she’d have to unweave…. And without help she’s getting nowhere. She can’t tear down the pride she doesn’t think she has any of.

You don't know how desperate I've become

And It looks like I'm loosing' this fight

But it's my heart that's breakin'

down this long dusty road of mine

I need to take a long cruise and listen to a song that gets your mind to think about all aspects of your life. What I need even more is to get back with God, as hard as that is for me to admit and even harder for me to come to terms with, considering I haven’t yet. I can’t believe I pushed away the beautiful gift of a friend I had. I just don’t know how willing they would be to accept this mess back into there life’s. I just don’t see how everyone else seems to be living the life I want to. I feel like I’m losing, when I really sit down and just think about it. I want things to get better, I do, it just seems like that is so hard and would take way to much unforgivable forgiveness. It’s just that there are so many emotions running through my heart. Half the time I can’t feel the pain because I’ve been going non-stop with friends, and filling the gap with things that just should NOT, completely not overtake my life the way they are… but to get back is just, it’s just a lot harder… "you’ve got to make yourself." Is life pathetic when the only person you can relate to anymore is a twenty-seven year old man? Or when you’re hearing God speak to you through a Demi Lovato song? Because I’m not quite sure anymore.

You might feel like your drowning

And thats what I need to let go

Tell me what you've got to break down the walls

You just might need dynamite

Well, there you have it. My first "real" post. One well edited peice of writing and another rampage, accompanied by the well writen lyrics of two completly different and amazingly talented people. This is my last bit of alone time for the next couple of days I'm guessing, but I think I'm going to start working on changing myself again, because I'm sick of the girl I've become... she doesn't care anymore, and I sure as hell do. I might be lazy and unwilling, but I'll get there somehow. It's good to get this off my chest, and not just in Microsoft Word, but somewhere where someone may read it. I think I'm going to go cruising tonight with a slurpee and a good friend, with the company of The Fray. Sounds like a plan to me.