I think you need to stop following miserys lead, shine away.

'maybe god can be on both sides of the gun

never understood why, some of us

never cared it's so good, so good'

Yesturday I was reading through things I wrote more towards the begining of the summer, and it's just so intresting to read that. I was so happy, and what I wrote about camp just about broke my heart, haha. Ahww, good summer. :) I kind of want to post some of that writing on here, but it just doesn't feel in the moment enough, I don't know. I just, you know, over and over I say I want to write something amazing, I never feel like I can though. Even when I write on here, if more people were to know about this, I just feel like it would lose all meaning.

'...They give me hope. And, I'm afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it'll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame. Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything's going to be okay and that there's going to be someone there to help make sure of that. ' - Brooke Davis

So, I'm an offical upperclassmen as of yesturday. Yes, I am now a Junior, although, I really don't see the big deal. I mean, I see some small deals, but I just don't see the big deal. The only thing I think cool about being a Junior, is I'm now the girl I looked up to for all those years, "the older one". The one who knows what's up. Anyways, I don't really care that I'm a Junior, except for the fact that I can call Jasmin a freshmen. Getting to the point, I'm really quite fond of this school year. Yes, I do realize I've only made it through two days and have one hundred and seventy eight to go, and only twelve days to miss. I think I can do it. I've got really great classes, almost all of which with friends. The work is going to probably get pretty intense, but I'm working my butt off for bright futures this year, and hopefully something good will come out of that.

"April, do you care about the way you look?" - Mrs. Dragoutsis
"Uhm... I guess so." - Me
"Girrrrllll, you know you do!" - Random girl in my class

After school today, considering I get out at twelve on wednesdays, I hit up Clearwater Fundamental with Steph and helped out in the library, who knew that could be such a fun festable. I might even get a vollunteer badge, depending on how early I can make it up to the school Friday afternoon for pictures, I'm very excited.

I also went to youth group today, which was suprisingly... very grand. I guess I just missed having a good time there. Just... laughing, you know? Feeling the laughter and smiles radiating off of others. We just... played the stupidest games in reality but my goodness, it was just great. It's also very funny the fact that Jasmin & I's trigger in "the trigger game" was both about eachother, HAHA, I love her a lot! Then we worshiped, and, I'm.. weirdly just a big fan of looking at other people when they worship, because you just don't know what they're thinking but... you know that joyous and peaceful feeling that must be erupting in there hearts at that moment... I love knowing other people are feeling that, it's reassring... it gives me hope. I dont' know, the way we looked tonight was different then I've ever witnessed it. We all just seemed to be... standing somewhat forward, anxious for something to happen, waiting for this big wave of greatness to wash over us and cleanse us. Then again, maybe that's just what I was waiting for. It's always, always, always worth the weight. It was a fun night, I'm glad these nights are back for me. I'm also glad, that today was just GOOD, cause when have you ever heared me say I've had a good day on a school day? It's just rare.

' Do you ever wonder where you'd be if in some critical moment your friends just weren't there for you? ' - One Tree Hill

I think the weird thing about today is that I had such a good day at school. (I really enjoy repeating myself over and over again). My point is, I had fun with a bunch of friends who hardly know me, and I hardly know them. Then, when it comes time for my real friends, the ones who I'm very close to and have been through and loads of things together... I just feel, like they don't care so much about me. Not all of them, that would be completely wrong, just some of them always seem distracted or like something else is more important. It could be all in my head, then again, my head's on pretty straight, I'm convinced. I just feel distant from people I once felt so close to... as in, this summer. People from this summer seem easy to laugh with, but when it comes down to me wanting to share something, hell nope. It's probably not as bad as I make it out to be. Then again, keeping everything inside when I just want someone to listen... isn't always the best solution. I keep saying, 'I'll deal', whens that moment going to come when I just can't anymore? I know that feeling... it's not a good one. I just... sometimes, I'm sure I have the opportunity to talk, it's just, I don't want to dominate the conversation, and make it all about me, but I don't want someone else always twisting my conversation to something about them... it just... hurts once you start to notice it. Hmm... 'I'll deal.' Right?

' there are times when the poets and pornstars align and you won`t know who to believe in '

Anyways, you know that friend I said I ran into the other day, but it wasn't really a run in because I knew they was going to be there, and I said I didn't really miss them, it was just made up in my mind that I do. That's probably (I use the term 'probably' very, very loosely) a lie. I don't know, I'm just up and down with that situation, I should probably just put it in the past and keep it there. I should also try to forgive a certain someone living under this roof. No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I pray about it, no matter how many times I give it up to God, it just does not work. I'm convinced I can never forgive that person, and that's scary, because what Neil said is right, 'you know unforgiveness destroys your life'. I know that, I realize that, yet I still can't forgive them. I just can't do it. I should go read now, but I think I'm going to go eat and then pass out, I just really wanted to write. I always really want to write, most the time I usually just don't think anythings very worthy of it, because 'who really cares'.

On a happy note to end this, however, I will just mention one thing that has made me very happy lately, my little brother. He's just, growing up, so he's kind of more of a friend now. Yes, he's still my dorky, little brother but I love him all the same. It's just cooler now because I can have legit conversaions with him and hang out and laugh at the same things. I always just want to help him though... just be his big sister. I guess I can only be what he needs me to be, I guess the same thing applys in any and every situation. Which I admit to being way to pushy in my past, and I've realized that does not work. You have to float other peoples boats, not only yours. That's... my new motto. Haha, righttttt.

Goodnight, world.

P.S. Got enough quotes!? :)

NERD. =X