Sunday, January 24, 2010

I'm alive.

He's alive in me. ;)

Sorry if you guys don't like the ranty-God posts, it's really all I know, and in all honestly... it's what it's all about. I have absolutely no idea how I did on the SAT's. I won't discuss it further.

I love Sunday mornings at Skycrest. Honestly. I love the embrace I feel from those people every time we're all in a room together. Oh man. Haha. I got to eat Neil's moms veggie squares, aka, all is right in the world today. I also look really cute, and smell really good. I have a soccer game in a few, I can only play like 15 minutes to avoid getting a headache. We won our game yesterday, but of course I wasn't there. You know, it's just what happens.

^Mmmm, Sunday. Now it's Monday! I honestly expected today to be one of the worst days.... as it turns out, God is glorious. Yes, I will give Him all the credit. Sure, my classes aren't as great & friend filled as they were first semester, but they have this new feel about them and I could really get used to that! :) It was crazy, cause I woke up and picked a bible verse for the good morning text, and it ended up being Romans 8:18, now Romans 8 is probably one of my favorite chapters in the bible, but i have never really recognized this verse before, and I kept rereading it and couldn't find out what it truly meant, I even looked in the Message Remix version and could not figure it out for the life of me. I don't think I still fully know what it means, but I do know that the part that I could comprehend got me through all of today! I miss all my friends but it makes seeing them a lot more eventful.

God is so good when you are open to Him. I swear. Swearing is a sin. Really though, it just never gets old and never stops being new to me how good He can be. I'm hoping that this semester turns out to be really good. I know it's gunna be hella hard, but I said that about first semester, and made it out with straight A's for the semester, WHATUPP. :]

This ought to be good.

Romans 8:18 - The Message:
That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times.

Time for my favorite part of the day: Brush, floss, & rinse. Feel free to call me a nerd.

Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side.

Friday, January 22, 2010

it's not the end of the world...

just a calamity...

alright! SAT's tomorrow.... GET STOKED.

gripes00: do you have the book
xLaughTilWeCry: yeah i've got the book.
gripes00: burn it

Ha, I'm a little nervous, and very ill prepared. I've been siting around all day watching Bones, eating ENDLESS amounts of food, and I'll probably have gained 10 pounds by the time tomorrow rolls around. I'm trying to avoid the SAT book today, just so I don't lower my confidence for tomorrow, I need all the self belief I can get.

xLaughTilWeCry: yeah but. some people don't give flying flips and they still dominate. i'm like. eff.
gripes00: elf?
gripes00: jk
gripes00: yeah god doesnt like those people anyway
gripes00: jk again...full of jokes...
gripes00: i dont know why that happens, but people dont try and they dominate
gripes00: i was wathcing an episode of fresh prince yesterday where this occured
xLaughTilWeCry: haha. mm
gripes00: will scored higher than carlton
gripes00: and he didnt even try
gripes00: and he was dumb
gripes00: and carlton studied and worried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

xLaughTilWeCry: ahwww.
gripes00: dont worry april
gripes00: youll end up like carlton

Basically I just keep quoting Rogo, because he gave me all the confidence I needed for a tad bit of time. So, I'm just sitting here eating some steak. Now I think it's time to rant about the past few days. Well I dominated my exams if I have yet to tell about that. A on chem & B on anal. However, my schedule is COMPLETELY effed up at this point, I haven't seen it yet but I know it's been moved around, and that upsets me greatly. I'm kinda stressing about Monday, second semester...

gripes00: no need to freak out like fred ball
xLaughTilWeCry: i am fred ball.
gripes00: just the face

I don't really know what else there is to talk about. Pray for me. SAT's are pretty hard, time wise, from what I've heard. Anyways, the best advice anyone could have given anyone:

gripes00: i will begin with phil 4:6
gripes00: and then move to matt 6:25-34
gripes00: but finally, the peace that comes with phil 4:7

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

just like when you were fallin'...

I will be there when you rise...
So there are tons of emotions raging through me all at once, and it is all adding up to an unusual state of contentment. I'm stressed, I'm ecstatic, I'm in over my head, I'm tired, I'm angry, I don't care, and all at once... It's just great. It's amazing to find the calm in the calamity. It's so easy to see God when things are going spectacular for you.
I don't know how faithful of a daughter to the King that I actually am. I don't understand barely any of the bible. I don't know why earthly things matter more to me when I KNOW what the truth is, and what is more important. I do know, however, that God's love for me will never end, and that has been keeping me going.
I've got all my TV shows for every night, I've got great friends, I have another four day weekend coming up... everything is just coming at me at the speed of light and somehow I'm making it through, surely it is not my strength...
I don't know. Today has been a great day. I love hanging out with Stephanie Harp, talking, studying, laughing. I love getting A's on Chem exams. I love quoting the Hangover and 'dramatic reading of a breakup letter' all day long. I love study groups at Starbucks. I love life coming at me at full force, no matter how much it scares me. There are so many open doors around me lately, and a lot of it is on me.
Everything is scary, but secretly great. I just hope that I am not drifting away from God in the process of finding so many new things in life... I hope it's all Him. It's easier when I can see Him, when I can feel Him in every smile... I don't want life to get hard again and loose him. I guess I have to realise... that generally this WOULD be one of the hardest times of my life, but HE is here. HE is pulling me through it. "I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me" - P. 4:13. It's all Him. Not one bit of it is me.
Pray for me, please. Math exam tomorrow, and SAT's Saturday! :) Life is unbelievably good, hard, but good. It will all be okay, because every day's a new day.
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional <3

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I'm a ghost overground on parade.

always learning : always begining
and it can always be a new day when You're here

So, if I haven't said this already, January 2010 has been the most stressful, busy, ridiculous month I've ever had in my life. There is just so much to be done, and so much that is still going to happen. I've got exams this week... I don't doubt that I can dominate them, but they just worry me. I have to finish moving everything back into my room. I'm turning 17 in like... well soon. Getting old. I'm so stressed whenever I sit down and think about everything, so I've been trying not to, but it's not working out to well. Basically, we're halfway through January... I'm just typing what comes to mind, I can't even think straight at this point. However, life is good, and God is better.

Take me back to the days
when the only think i needed
to feel safe was a seatbelt,
mommy & daddy.
Move me forward to days that are brighter,
days when i'll be done with you forever.
Take me back to the sunflowers we planted;
Move me forward from days where
I couldn't speak without raising my voice
Take me back to cool Christmas mornings
where I thought you were even better then Santa.
Move me forward to days
where i can feel love for someone
who loves me.
Take me back to show me where everything went wrong
take me back to answer one single question,
why does forgiveness play no roll in this relationship?
I'll never be like you.
I can't, and i don't want to.
Move me forward to a cloudless day without you,
move me forward to a day
where I can actually believe
that I have a shot at getting into Heaven.
Move me away from you
What? Just a snidbit of what comes to mind when I'm really angry... Anyways, this has been a tough week at times, but next week will only be harder. Reading the Bible actually helped calm my nerves a lot... it was strange for me. I have SAT's next saturday. Thank GOD for this four day weekend I've had and a three day weekend next week. I'm just really stressed, so if any of you (if anyone actually reads this...) wants to send out a prayer for me, it would be much appriciated. I shouldn't worry, it won't give me one more moment of life, but you know, I'm only human. Anyways, I better go study Chem & get back to the moving process.
'the currents will pull you away from your love,
just keep your head above'
Honestly, despite the whole stress thing, my life is really good right now. Ha, I feel like I just sat here and complained, but no. My life is amazing, there is nothing I would change besides the workload, which is in my own hands. :)

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Just sitting around... Doing Zukie's homework. No big deal. It's been a crazy twenty-four hours.

How can God even think of being so good to us, I don't know, I guess He's just that good. He is. It's beautiful to see how far we have come. Our youth group, and the individual people within it. It is absolutely amazing to see that he has carried me this far. Our relationship, God & I's, has never been like this before. It's never like... I sit up and cry every night and every morning because of how thankful I am for his being in my life. Okay, I'm being slightly over dramatic. Without a doubt though, there's been tears shed the past few nights and mornings. I'm finally getting back to praying, and worshiping in general. It's just this amazing feeling, but I think I am doing something incredibly different then the last time that I fell in love with Him: I'm not ignoring all the problems around me, I don't just tune them out, I'm actually realising that just because He's in my life doesn't mean I can shut the world out, I can talk to Him about it. I finally have so many sisters & brothers in Christ too that I can talk to and just share my life and faith with and it is an incredible feeling. Sometimes things hurt, I'm clearly still human, and they hurt for a while and knowing God is with me does not immediately take those feelings away, but these are things I have to slowly learn and experience.

Last night at youth group, a lot of us shared our testimonies. It's one of those moments that I didn't realise could happen between those walls. I figured it was something that could only happen when we're in a far away town, but it's not. He was in that place. I found it inspiring that all these people, we are actually... united through God. I forget sometimes. I just forget so much, and I am scared of forgetting again.

"no room for fear, only faith."

It's something I wasn't expecting, and it's something I can't write down, let alone say out loud. Usually I go to school on Thursdays ready to face the world, the aftermath of Wednesdays. Today however, not so much. It turns out making God famous scares me, because the fear of being accepted still overtakes me a lot, it shouldn't. It's not about me.... but it does effecft me. You call it pride, I call it Satan. I finally have friends in school, and I know "they're not real friends if they don't accept you for who you are", but that's not what it is. I know they'll accept me, it's just different... I'm going to take this slow. I've got a lot to learn. Just when you think you know something... ;)

Nevertheless, I remain amazed on what He can do. How he can turn peoples lives upside down completely. Everything... so fantastic. In this moment, this moment of looking back and realising how things have changed, how all the hell that we bared is worth it! Now, because of what we suffered, we've ended up here. Now, we can be who we are.

"Sophomore year... right!?" Haha, I love those people.

I'm just consumed by Him, and I love seeing other people consumed by Him too. Oh, and Jasmin was there, so I was excited. We were BOOMIN'. =] I think it's even more amazing, not more amazing, but... inspiring, surely, that not only do I see these people and see God, but... some of these people see God when they see me, it's insanity. It's so reassuring to see these peoples faith's blossom.

Just some crap that I randomly write before bed.... what? ...

Okay... one thing.

I can see it coming

I see through your eyes

Like I see through this world

Your heart is defected

Your feelings artificial

You draw a line

Because you think crossing it may lead to questions

That you don't' want to answer

You don't even want it

You never even wanted it,

Why are you here?

Surely, you're not one of us.

We're starving for truth

Your idea of truth is a fake smile

And laughs that won't last

You talk to build yourself up

But you can't even see

What you're doing to yourself,

What you are doing to me

I've experienced this betrayal before,

But I expected more from you

I thought your eyes could see what is real

But your heart won't open enough to ever let in what you'll need one day

You underestimate this power

That I can't live without

You underestimate me

And all you do is doubt

I won't live with this burden

It can't be worth the pain to come

You can't answer my question truthfully

Brave your own self

For the life filled with unhappiness

That you have to come

Mm, a little mean, a little true. Needs some more work, and not grammatically correct at all. But, please, tell me why I should always be so down on myself? Oh wait, I shouldn't. Thanks, Alex Waldron for inspiring me to share, in the smallest ways that I don't think you know.

I'm refusing to go back and reread this before I post, so if it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish, it's not, but who cares. God's so good.

"Your daughter's in love,
You've won Your children!"

Goodnight. =]

Monday, January 4, 2010

it's all wrong the way we're working

towards a goal that's nonexistent,
it's not existent,
but we just keep believing

Sometimes I cover up the girl that I am. I look for people who seem to be content with their lives and I wish I were them. Sometimes the girl I wish I was isn't proving anything, and in trying to be her, I am not proving anything. I look up to people with flaws and I aspire to be these people because their lives... they seem fulfilling, real, productive, worthy. Sometimes these people aren't real, sometimes it's just someone I'd rather be, because I don't consider myself "good enough". There is a big difference between growing and changing. There's an even bigger difference between changing by living and changing because of something you want... especially when that thing you went is unrealistic or just not what you actually need.

It's a new year and I'm refusing to look back. Learn from the past, obviously. Dwell on it, not anymore. It's just hurting me... not anyone else, but I'm not going to let it anymore. I'm bigger then it. Sometimes I attempt to give off this different exterior of myself... it's not who I am, and people who have been just meeting me for the first time lately, they aren't meeting the April they should be. I've been this different person all throughout 2009. Learning, trying to hard, and confused. In all different aspects of my life. Things get hard, and sometimes when they get hard I ignore what should be happening in these hard times. I should be turning to God, and to a friend who actually cares. Instead, I've been pushing these two things away, because this pride I've built up inside of me tells me that I will be okay on my own. I'm not. I have false thoughts quite a lot, but there is no one there brave enough to tell me, 'you're wrong'.

In my heart I am a God fearing girl filled with love and hope. I don't come off that way a lot, because sometimes it's hard. It shouldn't be. You know, I don't really know. I'm kind of just ranting to rant, and so it's not all in my head! :) I spent the day with Alex on Sunday, secretly she's one of those people who pulls the words out of you're heart, no matter how close you are you are compelled and confident in talking to her because of the compassion she offers and in the way she responds, you know it's not criticism. I don't know, I got that 'good friend' feeling from her, that I can't really explain. Actually I could, I just don't want to because I'm afraid if I say some things out loud they won't be real any more. Another false though, but some things are better kept inside. Not all things though.

Goodnight, and look out January, I'm about to dominate.