it's all wrong the way we're working

towards a goal that's nonexistent,

it's not existent,

but we just keep believing

Sometimes I cover up the girl that I am. I look for people who seem to be content with their lives and I wish I were them. Sometimes the girl I wish I was isn't proving anything, and in trying to be her, I am not proving anything. I look up to people with flaws and I aspire to be these people because their lives... they seem fulfilling, real, productive, worthy. Sometimes these people aren't real, sometimes it's just someone I'd rather be, because I don't consider myself "good enough". There is a big difference between growing and changing. There's an even bigger difference between changing by living and changing because of something you want... especially when that thing you went is unrealistic or just not what you actually need.

It's a new year and I'm refusing to look back. Learn from the past, obviously. Dwell on it, not anymore. It's just hurting me... not anyone else, but I'm not going to let it anymore. I'm bigger then it. Sometimes I attempt to give off this different exterior of myself... it's not who I am, and people who have been just meeting me for the first time lately, they aren't meeting the April they should be. I've been this different person all throughout 2009. Learning, trying to hard, and confused. In all different aspects of my life. Things get hard, and sometimes when they get hard I ignore what should be happening in these hard times. I should be turning to God, and to a friend who actually cares. Instead, I've been pushing these two things away, because this pride I've built up inside of me tells me that I will be okay on my own. I'm not. I have false thoughts quite a lot, but there is no one there brave enough to tell me, 'you're wrong'.

In my heart I am a God fearing girl filled with love and hope. I don't come off that way a lot, because sometimes it's hard. It shouldn't be. You know, I don't really know. I'm kind of just ranting to rant, and so it's not all in my head! :) I spent the day with Alex on Sunday, secretly she's one of those people who pulls the words out of you're heart, no matter how close you are you are compelled and confident in talking to her because of the compassion she offers and in the way she responds, you know it's not criticism. I don't know, I got that 'good friend' feeling from her, that I can't really explain. Actually I could, I just don't want to because I'm afraid if I say some things out loud they won't be real any more. Another false though, but some things are better kept inside. Not all things though.

Goodnight, and look out January, I'm about to dominate.