Sunday, August 23, 2009

Today's a different day then yesturday.


Things have changed a lot this summer, I have changed a lot this summer. I've had relationships that wavered and I've had opinions that have altered. Through it all however, one thing has remained burried, yet it didn't change once, even if I forgot about it.

I forgot how much I love the One that gave me life. I'm scared sometimes, I forget sometimes, and sometimes I even doubt. I know I sin, and I know I'm nothing, and I know that I'm not the one who can make this work... He is. I'm not saying, things are perfect between Him and I right now, but hopefully I'm are on my way to something better with Him. There are things I need to quit doing, sins i need to quit commiting, and things I should really give less attention to, and instead, give it to Him.

It's easier to write this all down. It's easier then doing it, then picking up a bible, then singing songs of praise, then being downright joyful all the time. So what made these calm feelings overcome my heart, why now? Him. Ha, I can not explain his mysterious ways, nor will I try now to understand them. Lessons lately though, have been sticking out to me like they hadn't before. Sure, I don't always want to serve like I used to, [I don't think I'll ever be the same Christian I was before] but I think that's OK.


' It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. '
- Romans 9:16

I think that I used to think that I was this perfect Christian girl, I mean, I knew I had my sins, but they were never "the worst", you know? I think that right now me coming to terms with this [even though I havn't completely accepted it yet] helps. I'm not saying, automatically go back into Christian routine... I think it just takes time. I know, however, that I need to start making myself, because if I don't... you know, sometimes just being there is enough. I'm going to stop ranting about what I need to do, because, I know what I need to do. It's just a lot harder to realise when I'm all snuggled up in my bed with my DVD sets, or even my laptop. The point of this blog in the first place was to talk about how good God was to me today.

Today I took communion for the first time since camp. It felt so good, it felt good to feel God again, it was good to have that simple reminder of His love for me and my love for Him. It's surely been feeling good to talk to Him the past few days. It feels great to smile a real, guenuine smile. Everything... I don't know. I'm just done with this hurt. I'm done with the pain being afraid is causing me. To tell you the truth, I think I'll always be afraid, just in general. Maybe, that's just me. Anyway, communion today was glorious.
I also saw an old friend. Honestly, just a lot of thoughts have just been running through my head lately. I don't even know how to write something specific without drifting into all of this confusion.


" You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it. "
- Haley James Scott

Anyway, everything I've typed has nothing to do with what I wanted to say. One Tree Hill watching always makes me think... a lot. Lately I've been doing much thinking about what I want to do with my future. Now, I never wanted to do anything with soccer for my future, but I wouldn't have minded playing a few more years. Since that's kind of out of the picture, I've just been doing more thinking about what to do with myself. I really like to write. I really enjoy it... and I think I could make something out of it, and even if I couldn't, maybe I could go all Lyndsey and be an editor. You know, read other peoples manuscripts, have there book published and watch there dreams come true. [Secret: I love watching people have there dreams come true, that fills my heart with a lot of indisribable joy.] That could be enough for me. Although, I havn't done much reserach on this, so I really don't know much about what editors even do, but based on a fictional show... the job looks apealing. I don't know, I don't know why thoughts about my future keep consuming me, should they be? Who knows, the point is, I'd love to do something great. Then again, who doesn't. I kind of just want to 'remind someone of the magic in the world.' Hmmm, haha, now I'm just trying way to hard to be Mark Schwan. Whatever. ;)

"I'm not Dr. Suess, Stephanie!" - April
"Yeah, but you could be." - Steph

Even if someone shows the smallest bit of belief or confidence in me, I guess I need it. Don't even get me started on my Chrysalis letters, ha. I'm glad this was just basically me ranting. Hmm. So I said I ran into an old friend today? Okay I didn't really run into her, I knew she was going to be where I was. Anyways, I just think it's very odd. That I make this big deal of missing her, but my heart dosn't really even feel like that, my hearts not sad about it anymore. I just... something in me keeps holding on. I don't know, I'm a girl with a neverending supply of hope, even if it's the tinyest spec of it.

" There were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart, that someday it would return to him. And his world would be whole again. And his belief in god and love and art would be reawakened in his heart. " - Lucas Scott

P.S. Expect a breif explanation of the highlights of my summer update, maybe? I don't know if I'll post it, I've just been writing it, cause, well... I had a good summer. Haha. :) Anywho, I've got to get back to Tom Sawyer.

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