The earth shattered as the rain fell and pelted my skin like it had the summer before. It didn't feel the same though, the rain didn't feel like a knife now, so much as it did a cold drop of water. Which is perhaps, exactly what it was. For me however, it was only a reminder of how lost I am. It's like... food still tastes good, and I can still be overcome by a powerful spell of influencive beauty that is captured in only one room... but none of it's real. It all just quickly fades into the black and white picture film of my past, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Yet, there has to be. There has to be something to do with it, yet I still resort to what I know is wrong. I go back to the plan of summer 2009, and I hide under books, tv shows, and my best friend. Mostly my days are a battle. They are filled with half of me wanting to serve my God, and half of me wanting to do what I want. I still want to be the girl who can light up a room, one singular face that has lost it's hope in a sea of high school students. My pride tells me I can do it alone. Of course, the knowledge I have, which is quite a lot by the way, brings me back to what I already know: I. Can't. I've already tried, and I thought I had learned my lesson. I guess it's just one of the waves, one of the huge, huge, HUGE waves. No. Not even that. It's just a lot of waves. It's the consistency of seven foot waves continuing to rain down on me. It's just me, fifty feet out from the shore, and these waves, they just keep coming. I think, "Hey, look, I can breathe, I'm good--" BAM, there comes another one, so I tumble underwater for what seems like forever yet again. They never stop coming. No, no. It's like I'm a bookshelf. A big seventeen shelf bookshelf, and there are just so many books, so many of them. There's books from school, and from friends, and from family, and from God, and the unknown, and about so much other miscellaneous stuff that they literally go in the miscellaneous category. All the books are all mixed up though, not in place. Not one of them though, contrary to Taylor Swifts' beliefs, is a fairytale. They're all huge books, we're not talking paperback. Well, maybe some are paperbacks. Yeah. Definitely, the ones that I want to get rid of but they keep sticking around, because once, they were a good story. It's so hard to see past the books and the waves. I can't see past them, and when I do, it's vast and it's vacant. That's more scary then the waves and the books themselves. Maybe it's all about the struggles though. The Old Man(from The Old Man and The Sea) he had his struggles, yet he got what he wanted because he persevered. Now, he wasn't defeated... yet he ended up with nothing... nothing. Yet again, he did it alone.
Sometimes I guess you just write things because that's what you're feeling and you have no one to talk to. Either because the courage to talk to them isn't there, or you just don't think your problems are worth it. "Sometimes people write the things they can't say." That sounds better, thank you Haley James Scott. Anyways... Maybe I'm feeling a bit jealous. Today is my old Best Friends birthday, and I'm not sad we're not as good friends any more... but... I'm so proud of her. She has come so far. So far in her faith. It is the most beautiful thing, and renews my faith daily. Dimitra Russert may have been a sinner, but the Lord has made her beautiful. I guess, this is where the jealousy comes in, because I am so far behind her in that area of my life. It just used to be.. different. I feel like I pulled an Andrew Garcia and just peaked way to early... but all the triple dots are starting to freak me out... So we move on.
So sometimes I wish I would have never found God, that would give me an excuse for never knowing what to do. It would give me an excuse for not being able to ask my best friend to pray for me. It would give me the privlage of being able to do what I want. It all sounds bad, and I don't like admiting it, because in all honestly.. well I just don't know. I have found God though, and He's saved me from it all. I always know He'll welcome me back with open arms, though I know I don't diserve that. Tonight I hope to have dashboard confessional, US 19, and God knows what else. I'd like to believe that all things will work themselfs out. "And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works." The hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see, which is another Relient K song... possibly the same one, but if I put quotes around to many thing's I'll look unorriginal. I drive wreckless sometimes, and I like it. My heart pumps, it beats and I don't know what it's beating for. If it's just an organ then it contains nothing but blood and is keeping me alive, but I believe in more then science, yet I'm made up of lamenin which is incredible. I just feel like I'm in this state of having a breaking heart again and I just don't think I can deal with it. Let alone can I explain it. Wtih God, there are no completly bad days, because there's always the joy, but here. Here, trapped in this state of discomfort... I just feel trapped. There's a lot of locks. I don't see any keys though. I only see the window.
Quotes? Relient K, Looking for Alaska, and I don't care to go back and read my rant again to see the other ones. Great, I'm not even entertaining myself. So, if anyone actually reads this, if I get one question asking "what's wrong?" don't ask me that. Sure, I appriciate the concern, but I just don't want to hear it. I'm fine. Sometimes your fingers just get carried awayyyyy.
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