I'm. Alone. In. This.

This is going to be a post of disregard, realization, and hurt. Are you ready?

Disregard/Realization:
My last post was a tad, false. I feel most of it. Most of it. However, I realized the most amazing thing. I bury myself in all this stuff to cloud my head of the things that are actually worth thinking about right? I make it so my mind can't even see... truth. However, sitting in my bathroom the other day (weirdbeard) just me, alone, for once in a long while, just me and my thoughts. I realised... that I believe in God. I just... I said that out loud and tears came to my eyes. None of my problems... are God's problems. They're problems that I create and.. maybe, I don't know, I blame God, because "He's in charge"? He is great though. In that moment I realised that my faith in Him is real and that matters so much more than anything else. It doesn't sound moving typed out. That moment however gave me so much perspective, and "perspective is a lovely hand to hold".

"God, he suddenly understood, was love in its purest form.."


"Hurt":
Yes, I am hurt. My soul is wounded with open scars. Actually maybe the title of this section should be Change. I have realised lately that change happens. Whether we want it or not, it is an inevitable factor that haunts each and every one of our lives. Everyone changes at different times, the ever so slightest change occurs day to day. Our rate of change though... it's just not the same as someone elses. So, what if one day, we change. Can others still feel the same about us? Can they love a changed person? The change could be for better or for worse... but it not might work into someone elses, someone elses who you were once close to, life. "People change and promises are broken, clouds will move and skies will be wide open." I often find that when I change, I push people out. I've recently learned what real friendship is. Yet I can't seem to apply that in my own friendships and life. Anyway, I can't explain this ramble. It's really just a bunch of things flying around in my heart. I am hurt, and things are bound to change. I am going to make things change.

Things you should know:
-When you doubt me, all it does is motivate me.
-I'm an undercover vegetarian.
-I do what I want, sometimes I know what I want and sometimes I don't.


Well, here we are. Who knows what I'm talking about.