Everyone knows I'm in over my head...[except.for.you.]

Cute.

Moving on to real life...

You take the little bit of strength & belief that I have left in me... and you blow it out of proportion. I am eternally grateful. You people look at me and you see the things that I cannot. You talk to me like I am real, and the things you say to me always seem real. You are the truest friends that I have.
Wednesday nights are the times that give the week a true perspective. Beautiful moments where the definition of hope is redefined completely. Where weak touches can break your composure in an instant, but it's all for the good of this everlasting moment. Before, during, and after are all times that I treasure. Before: We sit there and we talk truthfully. We laugh and are thankful. The lighting is pure and I feel comfortable. We enjoy stupid jokes. During: Laughter is a reoccurring event, and so is the Lords presence in and around us. We talk again, we share our hearts and we are now just girls in a thermos of a hallway. Most of our weeks have been normal days or piled with hardship. We cry for each other, some of us don't share all, but in this dim lighting, we are alone with the realness of this life. We have each other, and we pray for each other. It is amazing, our love for each other, our ability to share, and the little knowledge we have. We come together, being "such girls", and we hug. It always starts with a group hug and separates into smaller hugs. We laugh and make jokes afterward, but it all is still so real. We come back to a bigger, darker place, and there is more sharing. Things are different but we are still together. There is one candle and we share in the worship of our wonderful God. There is more sharing, more worship, and more sharing. You mention my name, and I know your story, and I am so thankful for it. Your walk with the Lord has always strengthened mine. In the darkness we worship. We jump and we sing at the top of our lungs. There are shakers and big movements, because our God's love never fails, and His mercy is new each morning. After: We are sad it is over but grateful that it happened. We say our goodbyes, but I could stay here forever. I leave with a sense of knowing that I can do this.

That is only one Wednesday night for me. That is not all that it is about, but it is all that makes my life beautiful. Life is hard & life is good. Mostly hard. But good too.

I'm. Alone. In. This.

This is going to be a post of disregard, realization, and hurt. Are you ready?

Disregard/Realization:
My last post was a tad, false. I feel most of it. Most of it. However, I realized the most amazing thing. I bury myself in all this stuff to cloud my head of the things that are actually worth thinking about right? I make it so my mind can't even see... truth. However, sitting in my bathroom the other day (weirdbeard) just me, alone, for once in a long while, just me and my thoughts. I realised... that I believe in God. I just... I said that out loud and tears came to my eyes. None of my problems... are God's problems. They're problems that I create and.. maybe, I don't know, I blame God, because "He's in charge"? He is great though. In that moment I realised that my faith in Him is real and that matters so much more than anything else. It doesn't sound moving typed out. That moment however gave me so much perspective, and "perspective is a lovely hand to hold".

"God, he suddenly understood, was love in its purest form.."


"Hurt":
Yes, I am hurt. My soul is wounded with open scars. Actually maybe the title of this section should be Change. I have realised lately that change happens. Whether we want it or not, it is an inevitable factor that haunts each and every one of our lives. Everyone changes at different times, the ever so slightest change occurs day to day. Our rate of change though... it's just not the same as someone elses. So, what if one day, we change. Can others still feel the same about us? Can they love a changed person? The change could be for better or for worse... but it not might work into someone elses, someone elses who you were once close to, life. "People change and promises are broken, clouds will move and skies will be wide open." I often find that when I change, I push people out. I've recently learned what real friendship is. Yet I can't seem to apply that in my own friendships and life. Anyway, I can't explain this ramble. It's really just a bunch of things flying around in my heart. I am hurt, and things are bound to change. I am going to make things change.

Things you should know:
-When you doubt me, all it does is motivate me.
-I'm an undercover vegetarian.
-I do what I want, sometimes I know what I want and sometimes I don't.


Well, here we are. Who knows what I'm talking about.

Just go get your shovel.

That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him that they world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without."

The earth shattered as the rain fell and pelted my skin like it had the summer before. It didn't feel the same though, the rain didn't feel like a knife now, so much as it did a cold drop of water. Which is perhaps, exactly what it was. For me however, it was only a reminder of how lost I am. It's like... food still tastes good, and I can still be overcome by a powerful spell of influencive beauty that is captured in only one room... but none of it's real. It all just quickly fades into the black and white picture film of my past, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Yet, there has to be. There has to be something to do with it, yet I still resort to what I know is wrong. I go back to the plan of summer 2009, and I hide under books, tv shows, and my best friend. Mostly my days are a battle. They are filled with half of me wanting to serve my God, and half of me wanting to do what I want. I still want to be the girl who can light up a room, one singular face that has lost it's hope in a sea of high school students. My pride tells me I can do it alone. Of course, the knowledge I have, which is quite a lot by the way, brings me back to what I already know: I. Can't. I've already tried, and I thought I had learned my lesson. I guess it's just one of the waves, one of the huge, huge, HUGE waves. No. Not even that. It's just a lot of waves. It's the consistency of seven foot waves continuing to rain down on me. It's just me, fifty feet out from the shore, and these waves, they just keep coming. I think, "Hey, look, I can breathe, I'm good--" BAM, there comes another one, so I tumble underwater for what seems like forever yet again. They never stop coming. No, no. It's like I'm a bookshelf. A big seventeen shelf bookshelf, and there are just so many books, so many of them. There's books from school, and from friends, and from family, and from God, and the unknown, and about so much other miscellaneous stuff that they literally go in the miscellaneous category. All the books are all mixed up though, not in place. Not one of them though, contrary to Taylor Swifts' beliefs, is a fairytale. They're all huge books, we're not talking paperback. Well, maybe some are paperbacks. Yeah. Definitely, the ones that I want to get rid of but they keep sticking around, because once, they were a good story. It's so hard to see past the books and the waves. I can't see past them, and when I do, it's vast and it's vacant. That's more scary then the waves and the books themselves. Maybe it's all about the struggles though. The Old Man(from The Old Man and The Sea) he had his struggles, yet he got what he wanted because he persevered. Now, he wasn't defeated... yet he ended up with nothing... nothing. Yet again, he did it alone.

Sometimes I guess you just write things because that's what you're feeling and you have no one to talk to. Either because the courage to talk to them isn't there, or you just don't think your problems are worth it. "Sometimes people write the things they can't say." That sounds better, thank you Haley James Scott. Anyways... Maybe I'm feeling a bit jealous. Today is my old Best Friends birthday, and I'm not sad we're not as good friends any more... but... I'm so proud of her. She has come so far. So far in her faith. It is the most beautiful thing, and renews my faith daily. Dimitra Russert may have been a sinner, but the Lord has made her beautiful. I guess, this is where the jealousy comes in, because I am so far behind her in that area of my life. It just used to be.. different. I feel like I pulled an Andrew Garcia and just peaked way to early... but all the triple dots are starting to freak me out... So we move on.

So sometimes I wish I would have never found God, that would give me an excuse for never knowing what to do. It would give me an excuse for not being able to ask my best friend to pray for me. It would give me the privlage of being able to do what I want. It all sounds bad, and I don't like admiting it, because in all honestly.. well I just don't know. I have found God though, and He's saved me from it all. I always know He'll welcome me back with open arms, though I know I don't diserve that. Tonight I hope to have dashboard confessional, US 19, and God knows what else. I'd like to believe that all things will work themselfs out. "And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works." The hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see, which is another Relient K song... possibly the same one, but if I put quotes around to many thing's I'll look unorriginal. I drive wreckless sometimes, and I like it. My heart pumps, it beats and I don't know what it's beating for. If it's just an organ then it contains nothing but blood and is keeping me alive, but I believe in more then science, yet I'm made up of lamenin which is incredible. I just feel like I'm in this state of having a breaking heart again and I just don't think I can deal with it. Let alone can I explain it. Wtih God, there are no completly bad days, because there's always the joy, but here. Here, trapped in this state of discomfort... I just feel trapped. There's a lot of locks. I don't see any keys though. I only see the window.

Quotes? Relient K, Looking for Alaska, and I don't care to go back and read my rant again to see the other ones. Great, I'm not even entertaining myself. So, if anyone actually reads this, if I get one question asking "what's wrong?" don't ask me that. Sure, I appriciate the concern, but I just don't want to hear it. I'm fine. Sometimes your fingers just get carried awayyyyy.

The Confusion in the Head.

Do you ever feel like you give your all to someone who just takes you completely for granted? I'm sure you have. I'm sure you were angry, hurt, and just kept questioning as to why. Honestly, because why in the world would someone push away your good favors and brush you off like you are nothing to them and have never done anything in your life? Well, I am completely and insanly sure that this is the way that God feels about me. I used to be the girl who was in love with Him, just Him & only Him. My worldly desires have gotten the best of me lately. Don't get me wrong, I love my God. I do not honor Him the way he diserves though. Why? Because I'm human. I know what's right, yet I do what's wrong. Romans 7 describes perfectly the way I feel.

School's hard but it's good. I've found out I am a science/math person, and I'm a fan of this discovery. My friends at school, even though I don't see them as much anymore are most definitly awesome. They get me through it. Haha, we're having a Bones marathon this weekend. And you know dats rightttt.

My weekends been good. Spent it with my BFF & going to soccer tournaments. My last "3" games ever. Not that I played anything but goalie. It was cool though. Our team has surely improved, I just wish I could have been out on that field. These headaches make me mad, but not as mad as when I hear my brother telling me he's also getting them when he plays. I'd rather take that hit. Our team came in 3rd in our flight, not that we diserved it. Haha. Zukies team also came in 3rd, but trust me, they diserved second. That reff was the devil. Stupid woman. Whatever, hopefully he'll be playing club next year and will get a break. I had fun this weekend. I am SO soar, sunburnt, & tired. I really wanted to break my leg. At least I'll never stop being surrounded by soccer, as long as Z keeps playing. That makes me glad.

This week should be okay, I don't get to hang out with Steph Monday or Tuseday. That sounds pathetic. Haha. We usually get to hang out every day though for at least 30 minutes. I can live though. Things scare me soemtimes. Like seeing others loose/strugle/not understand their faith. It takes away from me a little bit each time. However, to see that moment of recovery, of regainment, and rejoice is all worth it. Hopefully it comes sooner then later though.

Whateva whateva life is still good. Lent is going... decently. I've been letting my praying knees get way to lazy though. I can't get as close with God as I once was and sometimes that... is a little.... weird. Time to go watch Zukie play COD until I haveta go to bed. I'm legit gunna be dead tomorrow. It's gunna be brutal. Only like a month or so though until Spring Break. Dats rightttt. Oh junior year....


Godspeed.

Why? I’ll tell you why. Here we are, all of us, basically alone, separate creatures, just circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places. Some — they just give up hope because, in their mind, they’re thinking, ‘Oh, there’s nobody out there for me,’ but all of us we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while…every once in a while, two people meet and there’s that spark, and, yes, Bones, he’s handsome and she’s beautiful and maybe that’s all they see at first, but making love…making love…that’s when two people become one.
-Special Agent Seely Booth.

Now that would have been a good Valentines day post. :)
Anywho, I've had a pretty good... Life. What? 200/200 on my Chem test, 51/50 on my math... Scoreeee. If only I could do that good on the SATs, what? Anywho. I have the best friend in Stephanie Harp, and the best brother ever: Zukie. Also, ZJ. :) Life is difficult, but we make it work. I've actually got it quite easy. None the less, Junior year is buttlove. I just need to get through the CPT sometime this month, the ACT April 10th, and the SAT again May 1st. Oh, atleast I've got my God. Without Him I am not even here. Luckily, I do have Him. :) Ash Wednesday is... this Wednesday. Time to give some stuff up that is hindering my relationship with the Morning star. The four year anniversery of my baptism is friday. Febuary 19th. I can not believe it's been four years. This is the year that I doubted that on that day I could say my relationship with my God has improved, but I can say that we are closer now. I can say that now. I'll never fall out of love with You.

♥

It is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space. - Bones
Yeah, but what’s important is we try, and when we do it right, we get close. - Booth
To what? Breaking the laws of physics? - Bones
Yeah, Bones — a miracle. - Booth

Sometimes...

Sometimes people walk out of your life. I consider those people to be unforgivable jerks. You know what I say to them?: You know what!? You know what!? Hey! Never come back here again, okay!? On a more serious note, who is a person to all of a sudden pick up and leave? Am I being hypocritical, yes. I just don't understand how us humans could be so heartless. I hate my dad, but at least he's never left me. Whem someone leaves it hurts, whether it is subconsious or not. They don't even have to go far, they can be around you all the time, but when you look into their eyes, you don't see that person you once shared your heart with. You no longer can find truth in their words, and love on their face. That just hurts.

My life has been facing a lot of ups and downs lately. Nevertheless, God is the dominant part of my life, and when he continues to be, then I continue to have an everlasting joy in my heart taht goes no where. My darkest moments are never to dark when I acknowledge God's presence in my life. Never ceases to amaze me.

I have the greatest family. I have a really grand best friend. I've got the best buddys in my faith. I've basically got it goin' on... However, sometimes things get bad. Sometimes things are harder then they should be.

"Num Nummmm" - Me.

"That's bad, right?" - Neil.

"No...." - Katie & I.

"Oh well I thought good was yum yum. What's bad then?" - Neil.

"Num noooooooooo!" - Katie & I.

Anyways, things have secretly, SECRETLY, been going well lately. Only in secret though. I'm just very happy right now. I think that God's love will conqure all. Even though sometimes I don't know how to believe or how to live out Gods will.. I think it will all unfold. Whatever anything means anymore. I don't know what I say sometimes...

Sometimes people walk into your life, they don't have to be a big part of it to have a huge impact on it. You can see them once or twice, know them for years, or live with them for a lifetime. The people who come in, the people who stay, the people who have made a difference.. Those are the ones who matter.

Sometimes forgiveness is neccissary for the people who walk out. It was most likely for the better. "If you find someone you can trust, hold onto them". They'll let you down, and it'll hurt like hell to love them, but I think you know that it's best to have them there... by your side. Even when they leave, even when they betray you, even when they break your heart...

"wouldn't it be nice to leave it open ended & pretend it could go either way..."

I will leave it open ended, because I'm not quite sure how to finish it.

He's not finished with me yet.

♥

P.S. I really love being "April Mills". :)

It's all about You,

it's not about me.

not much of a blog post,
but at least i have a blog.
whatever the heck that means.