Thursday, April 15, 2010
In a room with ones who know all my secrets, there is no feeling like that.
Inspired by another wednesday, and brought down again by the world. Story of my life. Life is hard. I still don't know what I'm doing, where to go, where to turn, who to believe, who to look to for strength, who can see me break, who can see me die, who can break down the walls, why I feel so alone, why I'm slackin. I just don't know. Life is unbelievably hard for me right now. So many options, choices, people... questions, answers, stories. I just don't know what's up. Usually I know whas up & whas right. Today I don't. I'm sitting here thinking... I'll burry myself in school... or sleep. Yet school is boring me... and when I sleep I dream.. and I think it's real. I just need something real. TV shows & dreams are not doing it for me and they shouldn't. I just want to canoe at sunset again. I want to break 100 on the interstate again. I want to drive and drive and drive until I don't know where I am. I want to know for sure where my life is headed. I want to be hundreds of feet above the ocean with my feet hanging down. I want to be on a dock in Leesburg being constantly reassured by nature that everything is okay. I want to be in a room with glass walls that I feel will break down because of the greatness that is being contained within them. I want to know what I want. I want not to want so much. I want to eat pistashios around a campfire. I want to walk down a dark trail. I want to dance or lay in a field. I want to hold on so tight to someone that I feel if I let go the world would crumble. I want to be in a room filled with tears yet joy is radiating off the mirrored, echoing walls. I want to see someone come to Christ. I want something more to want. I want to not be so nieve and be more rational. I want somebody to believe in me. I want somebody to love me. I want someone not to leave me. I want to watch someone lay on the ground and eat the dirt. I want someone to tell me their goals. I want in a group of people where we are the only ones dancing & pelvic thrusting. I want to be driving up to the pinical of a mountain. I want to be awake in a hotel at 4am trying to find a pizza place that's open. I want to jump into the ocean when the sky looks like death. I want to be on the rivercourt in Wilmington. I want to be surrounded by hope. I want to be open enough to pick up that hose. I want to hear the crowd banging on phew seats, aggrivating the air with my eyes closed feeling God. I want to be trapped in a room with my friends outside the window and a pastor bringing me communion. I want to be on a dock with my best friend worshping God. I want to be sitting on a rock pretending I'm queen. I want to freeze life. I want things to be easier. I want to ace the ACT. I want to much from the past. I want the future to treat me well. I want to stop commiting this stupid sin. I want Booth & Bones to be together and for the show to end. I want abusive fathers to drown. I want teachers to stop getting arrested. I want the devil to not have one more. I want to breathe in each day as a beautiful day. I want to be able to play soccer without getting a headache. I want to stop having headaches period. I want to take three sciences next year and not fail. I want to not be in high school anymore. I want my father to stop being high. I want my brother to have his best friend back. I want my moms back fixed. I want to eat carbinated fruit. I want to stop making lists of what I want... when I have no idea.
I just want to have it....